General

I feel like I’m drowning right now. The last few months I have been desperatley grabbing onto anything. Anything at all, just small tiny things to keep me from going under. I’ve been really utilizing denial and distraction. Ultimatley this just sets me up for giant meltdowns.  I know what needs to be done. It’s like a splinter in my brain. The outcome is becomming increasingly obvious. If my life was a book or movie, you wouldn’t have to finish it. My life has been a shitty melodramatic indie film. Not the type that wins sundance awards. Just a crappy, badly scripted and acted film. I’ve […]

I posted a little while back about my situation, and I am realizing that not only is my depression linked to my tattoos (I have so many) it is a chemical imbalance that I did not believe in for so long. I masked my depression, bipolar, ocd, and whatever else the doctors say I have with booze and drugs for so long that these past 4  years of sobriety has been hell without my usual coping method.  My depression has gotten worse with each year, and this past one has been a nightmare.  6 psych wards and hours in counseling, all the different meds, ECT, […]

I hate my life so much, ever since I was a little kid I’ve been a fat ugly bastard, I got tormented about it all the way from 1st grade up until sophomore year of high school. My junior year I started getting violent, I started listening to heavier music and would go to shows just to hit people, I wanted everyone to know that I wasn’t their little ***** anymore, I made sure I never left a show until I beat the shit out of someone. I come home almost every day and get yelled at by my dad, calling me out on my […]

I have been in an almost constant manic episode for weeks.

Usually they dont last this long. Im not sure why this is lasting so long.

I really am always surprised whenever I think I have hit rock bottom and I just keep on sinking and sinking.

It feels like bottomless pit.

With no possible way to get out of it.

I cannot sleep and I need to recharge my THC battery. I have to leave the house to do that. And I really wish I could. My anxiety is preventing me to go downstairs. I cannot leave. I am pathetic as fuck. Pathetic and disgusting. For fucks sake.

If anyone ever wants to talk my email is ashleyluvkittens@aol.com

well, i’ve barely been eating for about 2 weeks, and everyday i run a mile, wrestle for 2 hours, and play football for 2 hours, i’ve had about 5 hours of sleep in all, my girlfriend broke up with me, and all i want is the one thing i can’t find…………my knife

i’ve been cutting for years, but today was the first time i’ve had to literally mop up after myself

i feel sick and i’m scared that i lost so much blood when i wasn’t trying anything serious

i feel nauseous and light-headed and scared

i don’t know what to do

my arm’s wrapped in a towel and i’m not bleeding, but i’m still scared

I always feel lonely. Sometimes I crave for human contact. I dont know how to get it. I ***** about people trying to get attention the wrong way but I dont know what the right way is.
Do you say to a person “Im lonely. I feel like talking. ” ?
what do you do?
Sitting and hoping someone will notice me and talk to me is useless. I know that.

So, why do I sit here, every day, hoping someone will notice me and talk to me?

Whats the point of hanging on? Does it get any better? I’ve been hanging on, but nothing is getting any better. I just don’t see the point of fighting through all of these emotions only to feel like crap every single second of every single day. Is there a reason for me to stay? Cause I honestly can’t see the point of living anymore and I don’t want to either. I seriously 100% believe that suicide is what is right.

Everyone Fakes. They fake the smile, the happiness, the caring part no one actually cares about you. That’s why no one will care if I die.

tired

ignored

forgotten

stupid

broken

alone

scarred

cut

bare

done.

These past few weeks have been tough. I got help, got a counsler, and I’m switching from public school to cyber school. I expected some things to be a little better… Nothing is, except the fact that in about two weeks I won’t have to get up five days a week and go to school. I’ll miss some people. I’m still extremely suicidal. But at least now I geuss people are aware. I’ve been having horrible anxiety attacks. Sleep insomnia is my new best friend. Even though I hate it. Nothing’s got better. Getting help does absolutely nothing.

Even if i fucking hung myself today, I seriously don’t think anyone would give a fuck. My mum and dad, they’d get over it, cry at the burial and then move on with their lives. My friends pfft, like anyone would even turn up to say goodbye yeah cos i  don’t even have real friends. Everyone that knew my name, oh Rip teenage girl, and then not give a fuck. Seriously don’t think I would  be missed. I don’t believe i need to be part of the world.

Pretending has become a daily routine. Pretending to be happy, to be normal, to be me. When inside I’m breaking, shattering, cracking. Nobody knows me as the sad one. Everyone knows me as the one who makes everyone happy. If I’m not wearing a smile on my face people ask me what’s wrong. Maybe I just don’t want to wear that stupid fake smile anymore. Maybe I’m tired of making everyone else happy when I don’t have happiness. Maybe I’m so sick and tired of having to hold everyone else above water when I’m the one drowning. It’s so super hard being this person. The […]

Life feels pointless. There are no words. I could die now and not feel a thing.

I guess I am just unnoticed where ever I go, I might as well get used to it.

It’s sad really that I’m young, and so ready to die. I don’t think that I desvere to post on here really, I’ve never tried to kill myself. Too pathetic. I think about dying, quite a lot really oh and food. calories.calories.calories.calories. I was diagnosed with ‘anorexia’ 6 months ago. I don’t look anorexic, not like a ‘proper anorexic’. I go to therapy once a week, nod my head and pretend I’m fine. But I’m falling apart. I’m sure none of you will even carry on reading this, thanks if you are. I am worthless, stupid, ugly and not to mention FAT. FAT FAT FAT […]

I don’t get it….does anyone listen? Even for a second of what I am saying? I don’t know, wait yeah I do and now that I think of it no one understand what I am trying to say…Okay let me spell this out, I am hurt! I-A-M-H-U-R-T. My heart has been shattered and I want it fixed back. There, I got it out…I said it.