General

I think a lot about that book I read as a child, The Giver. The main character was special because he had capacity to See Beyond. I feel like that book was prophetic in the way it describes what it feels like trying to break out of society, trying to describe something that goes against what most people understand.

Anyway, I’m not going to start talking like Charles Manson or David Karesh. I’m no prophet. Just some guy with an idea I feel like trying. I felt really strong when the idea was right in front of me; the property was on the market, and enough […]

*Trigger warning-if you’re a sensitive-type of person who is emotional and easily triggered, then it’s probably best to skip my post.*

So as I’m driving, I start hearing Christmas music on various radio channels…I knew it was that time of year again. Some of it is actually really beautiful and they simply don’t create songs like that anymore, so that is a good part of our culture passed down to us.

But I could barely hear it for a few seconds because of the memories it conjures up. It just reminds me of how innocent children really are and the tiny little bubble they live in and […]

Every now and then I get a clear reminder of what I’ve done and who I am, and how everyone else feels about that. I live in this state of denial and emotionally distancing from it the rest of the time. Like I know, factually, what I’ve done. And how horrific everyone feels it is. But that knowledge doesn’t fully connect. I have this emotional shield of rationality, where I disconnect. I detach emotionally.

But sometimes an explicit reminder cuts through, and I remember. I remember what I’ve effectively been trying to bury for 17 years. I remember I don’t want to live in this reality. […]

The city has moods, me and this city have gone round and round. I happen to know a few places where the city will drop things off for me to find when it wants me to find them, and today was a day I got that itch.

Sure enough there it was, a 200-300 dollar keyboard, for $20. Right next to it an $80 amp for $35 so I’m sold and I grab them both. The keyboard is name brand, a Yamaha. The sound is really good. All I had to get was a cord.

The thing about it is this is something I couldn’t get myself […]

The thing is… in my opinion God/Higher power whatever you want to call him, he will put us through things, sometimes unfathomable things that no human could or should have to endure.  I know I’m being pushed to that point knowing the only option is death by our own hands, of course God knows this, he planned it that way. Thus is my view on this subject.  He planned for my sister to die in her sleep after an od.  He planned to take my whole family before me,  I’m the last to go. I’m under 35 years old.

is any time someone put their hand out socially. I couldn’t talk to ppl until I was 28 and when in school I was as quiet as a mouse particularly secondary school. That could have been paranoia about stuttering. I stuttered until the age of 15, stuttering is a **** of a condition and any stutterer would have my deepest empathy. As a stutterer I thought the world revolved around my stuttering, it was only when I came to the greatest realisation in life -‘nobody cares’ that my speech became fluent. I found it hard to make friends in school but eventually made friends then […]

I’m currently about to wright my last letter just incase this is it and i wanted to get some thoughts. I already took the sercurity lock off my phone and i have a plan. This is all contingent on a few things, i won’t get into detail. Anyhow I’m just thinking of what needs to be said in my own words and also who will get my car ect. Im dealing with something that is way to much to bare also I’m just under 35 years old and all my immediate family has already past on including my only sister who past away in her […]

I’m sitting here watching “Bizarre Deaths #9.” Add that to the list of murder/death/true crime/morbid shows I watch.

Idk why I like watching that kind of stuff, but I apparently do. Am I a sick puppy? Sometimes it feels like it.

Anyone else into morbid shows/activities? What’s the most morbid thing you’ve watched or done?

I wasted my teenage years on fear. Anxiety, avoidance, isolation. Missed all the opportunities to grow and develop as a person. Went to college barely more socially capable than an average 11-year-old. Became even more isolated, even more crippled by anxiety. Dropped out, and gave in to depression, addiction. Wasted my early 20s on that. More fear, more isolation. Only this time without hope of a way out. Lost any sense of who I was. Guilt, shame, despair.

With a lot of help from my family, tried to pull things together a few times in my mid-20s. Finally got a dead-end job, still living with parents. […]

-Some ppl do not post- which is fine- I lurk at many other sites- but SP feels so dead- feels like so few ppl post or comment. I would really love for ppl to comment more.
-Also, when ppl do post, sometimes it’s so long it’s hard to follow or read it all or understand the BIG picture (I’m guilty of that too). It seems ppl only read/understand from post to post and not the MAIN issue someone has.

In a few sentences, what is your main issue?
Why are you depressed?

We all have to cross that bridge and for some it’s sooner rather then later. I’m just preparing myself for what’s going to happen at the time I choose to exit this God forsaken world. Mentally. It’s a challenge but I guess il just have to find out when it’s time.  I’m dealing with something that has pushed me so far over my breaking point that I can’t see straight. Everyday I’m in a hase, not sleeping but a couple hours a night. Not eating, barley. I just can’t wait for it to be over.  I’ve heard from many people with near death experiences who […]

So I’m fucked financially. It’s too late in the game to apply for anything and even then most ask for applicants that are looking for 1 year minimum of support. Extending by a semester would have been nice to do before the semester’s about to end. Could get a loan. Not a good idea. Can’t apply for a federal loan cause I’m only doing 1 credit hour so I don’t count as even a part time student. Private loans seem like a deal with the devil. My absolute last choice would be to ask my parents. The mentioned […]

not sure I believe, not sure it matters. Thursday afternoon my boss and her boss pulled me into an office and gave me my walking papers, I was shaking. I asked why a couple times and they couldn’t give me a reason. Seriously, it was just that I was still on probation, and they don’t have to give me a reason. It wasn’t disciplinary. Sign here, hand in your equipment, this had never happened to me like this.

Past two days I’ve been trying to live in this reality. I’m not suicidal about it, at all. Not even that mad. Other people are more mad than […]

I blocked most of the contacts in my phone yesterday.  There are a few of them that I need for the next month and a half, but I decided to block everybody I didn’t need to contact for work or family.  It would raise too much suspicion If I didn’t respond to them.  I deleted my Facebook account too.  It was the only social media presence I had, but I erased that part of myself as well.  I hadn’t posted on it in months, and I can’t stand that crap anymore.  It was weird doing this stuff yesterday, because it felt like the first steps […]

I knew this was coming for a long time i haven’t wanted to be here. My sister who was my only living family member left decided to end her life and she passed away in her sleep. Now that trump and all his goonies are back in the whitehouse its close for that time to come.  this is a sick sick sespool of a world we all live in. Yes i watch the news including jaguar wright and i know whats going on with most of these celebrities now that diddy has been exposed, everything in the dark shall come to light. And oh boy […]

As the title implies, how do you find a desire to live when you are spiritually/emotionally dead inside? As an example, imagine you are in a sinking ship or a burning house, normal people would try to escape while I would just sit there with a bored expression on my face. In such an event, I think I  might feel a slight joy at my possible demise but that’s it.

Snow in Saudi Arabia?

~5min

Flooding in Sahara Desert?

~10min

What’s next? The Earth will be on Fire?
Oh wait…that’s already happening. Much of the USA (like CA) is on fire every year.

Seems like we’re going to destroy ourselves pretty soon- WWIII bc everyone in charge are idiots.

I absolutely lament that I was ever fucking born. This is a shit world.