General

i guess thoughts o f suicide have never been far away all my adult life

Grew up in a dysfunctional family which contributed to me never really having friends. Stumbled around drunk & drugged through late teens and early twenties.

Years go by, I function, work, stopped using any drugs and cut back on the booze. Worked, cleaned myself up and learnt to appear a regular guy… Met lots of people through work and had brief relationships but nothing ever stuck and I never seemed to form lasting friendships…

About three years ago through a set of stupid circumstances all my own making I faced financial ruining, on […]

In those eyes, is the truth.

Today alone not sure if this is good but do not feel like being around anybody confused?

not the drugs per say…but the addiction two adderall and xanax is doing a pretty good job of taking my focus off of life…so i guess this is close enough to death for me to keep breathing

We’re all going to die adventually. Don’t see everyone suddenly caring that I’m not around anymore. I think i could go unmissed for days. People certainly don’t care now. So why should I stay here.

Why does all of the bad stuff happen to the best people? It makes us lower ourselves and do things we regret. Sometimes we can’t make it through it. And the world will be stuck with the bad people who don’t know anything. The bullies that put us down. That dug our grave and watched us jump in it. Why do bad things happen to good people? Because sometimes, we’re just not strong enough to get through it.

I don’t know where to start really. I haven’t been on here in a long time. I can definitely say that I have changed. In some ways good & others bad. I am just confused I guess. I don’t know why I feel this way. I’m just always so mad or depressed. I know i don’t have it so bad either & am thankful for what I have. So I always put on a smile just to hide everything. But I’m tired of doing that. I just want to get up & leave. Go somewhere I don’t know. Somewhere I can be alone, think & […]

I feel so out of sorts today.

Usually my boyfriend drops anything he is doing to discuss things with me. He knows that if i don’t talk to someone and get everything off my chest then i will hurt myself out of frustration and rage. But lately he doesn’t want to listen.

I know i sound really clingy and selfish but it’s getting to the point where i just need to talk to him about ANYTHING and he goes offline or just ignores me.

He’s staying at a friends house and has been there for a couple of weeks due to problems at home. He’s unemployed and i […]

I do not feel any feelings. I vacillate between a depressing awareness of my fundamental lack and cheap moments of forgetting that I don’t think I’m a real person. I have a studio in New York City, but the walls feel like a box. I went to a club wasted and alone late last night and stared at the way the ceiling was cracked or the wallpaper and pretended to have to use the bathroom a lot. I remarked to another alone observer that everyone looked like animals. He disagreed. I think he was staring at the grinding girls. How I wish I could forget […]

I woke the same as any other day
Except a voice was in my head
It said seize the day, pull the trigger,
Drop the blade
And watch the rolling heads

The day I tried to live
I stole a thousand beggar’s change
And gave it to the rich

The day I tried to win
I dangled from the power lines
And let the martyrs stretch
Singing

One more time around
Might do it
One more time around
Might make it
One more time around
Might do it
One more time around
The day I tried to live

Words you say never seem
To live up to the ones

Sometimes I wonder why I am who I am, why I’m here, why no one in this world gives a fuck about me. But right now, I don’t care. I’m happy, not because of something that happened, or something that will happen, but because I choose to be. Happy isn’t really the right word. Content. Calm. Or defeated. At peace. Take your pick of words that describe this emotion, or lack of emotion, but I’m not empty.
I will never be pretty, or smart, or charasmatic. People will never like me very much, and I won’t like them. But for some reason, it doesn’t matter […]

I  dont understand. I haven’t lived trough that much shit yet I still feel worthless I have no reason to be depressed I guess Im just weak, God I hate myself.

I am so incredibly tired of living.  Of dealing with everything, and of putting up with people.  Especially the people who think that it is their mission to “save” me, when I don’t want to be saved.  I’m tired of waking up every morning, and never actually accomplishing anything except, for living life on a endless repeat button.  This isn’t a life, and nothing anyone ever says or does can change anything.  People tell me all the time that,”things will get better.”  No, it won’t, it’s been six years and nothing has changed.  I can’t overcome my past, I can’t deal with the present, and I […]

I have a story to share. And who best than a bunch of people who I could care less if they judge me… thats right. If you do then fuck you.. People always wonder what makes a man finally pull the trigger.. or swallow the pills; finally have that courage to end their life..

I grew up idolizing and almost worshiping Kurt Cobain. Yet always questioned why he ended his life.. now I understand why.. the pain. the demons life can bring along.. Here is my story..

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Summer of 2010.. I was 17 years old. My girlfriend was the love of my life. I gave everything for […]