General

Okay, let me state the obvious. I am a screw up. Can’t get any simpler than that. So tonight, when my dad asked what I wanted for dinner I said, “What does it matter? You’ll make what you want. We always have the same thing.” His response? “DAMMIT ALEXIS, WHY DON’T YOU GO SHOPPING WITH NO MONEY AND SEE WHAT YOU CAN GET!” I said nothing and fell back into staring at Facebook. My dad yells at me so fucking much, and I hate it. He knows I hate it. I guess some people can never changed…just like some people aren’t trustworthy.

this is my first post so please forgive me for run-ons or whiney venting…

10 halloweens ago in 01′ is when these tendencies really began to accelerate inside my head and my heart and my soul even though i’d felt the onset of depression when my dad left at age 9 and the onset of suicide at that manic age of 14.

long story short…

my senior year of HS i was dealt an incredible blow to my already fractured self-esteem and sense of self worth when I was detained (wrongfully in the end) and beaten (bloodied and fractured) by local officers in my town in front of […]

well. the other day i decided to tell my friend my biggest secret..she didnt take it so well and now wont talk to me… also hardly any of my friends are trying to help me with my depression. my one friend said she doesnt want to be around the “negative energy” so i basically only have my boyfriend. and im happy all the time when i talk to him, but when i dont talk to him im so sad i feel like falling asleep and never waking up. i dont know what to do… in a way i want to go to therapy.. but then […]

People say going to help and speak to others will take your mind off your own death wish and change your perspective.

I have done that. Worked in the soup kitchens, the missions, the childrens hospitals, buying the homeless meals, donating coothing and items,  listening to people’s issues in life… especially on SP.

Did not work. Just made life look worse.

All this technology and there is still disease, rape, murder, abuse, molestation, theft, fraud, deceit, war, poverty,  racism, sexism ageism, class warfare, nepotism, etc etc.

Ipads, Ipods, Iphones, Macs, PC’s, Northstar,  Google Earth, GPS, Automated Weapons, Aircraft, Neural Networks, Exosuits, Computerized toilets, the first real Androids, Cloud, etc.

Ideologies, […]

Hi,

I havent posted in a while,figured that i would be “fair” and give this DBT therapy a try,and perhaps make it long enough to go one a last trip.

I thought i *might* be able to make it(to the trip at least,certainly not forever) but now things have been snowballing,I keep messing up,and then the final straw came two nights ago. My BF informed me that i was not welcome at his parents house for Xmas this year. The official reason is that they are upset that i contacted his sister when i was feeling really down a few months back,apparently it left a “bad impression” […]

i tried to not feel the way i do i tried not to cut

i got out the house and tried to make friends and keep a job

but i still feel the way i have done

im not loved or cared for my sister hates me i got no one to turn to

i sit a lone all day things be better if i was not here anymore

but i cart ever do that right i tried and it did not work

but i got a plan to end it all end this hell and pain i go tho every day.

The past week has been really hard with a lot of things, and the past two days especially have been bad. It got to the point where the other night I tried to kill myself. Sadly it was a complete failure but my plan was to walk down to the main road near my house thats like a half mile away. Then i was gonna get myself hit by a car, it was going to be pretty easy. so It was like 2:00 when I went out. I sat on the side of the road for 2.5 hours. No cars came. It was a complete […]

this is it – i have no more faith,, no more will power

tonight’s the night…

This question is so overused but i mean why am i such a coward. why cant i confront my fears and just turn a blind eye to everything that’s happened to me..

only someone really inappreciative about their lives would think of ending everything right..?

im confused and dont know what to do anymore because life has bitten me in the butt and im too weak to handle the pain.

someone help? im tired of being alone..

I’ve been feeling so miserable lately, actually most of my life. I feel no one knows that I exist on this planet. I need the know the truth, I’ve been living in lies may whole life. Crying every single day wishing I never been born. I seem to bee so happy to others, But they don’t know how I really feel. Breaking into tears, angry at everyone i know, Living in secrets and lies. Being in Darkness.

I have a boyfriend! For almost a month I have been 95% happy and THAT is amazing. We have hit a snag in the road and I can’t tell if its my depression or him being over sensitive. But whatever the cause it has made me reconsider us. How can I build a life with someone when not too long ago I wanted to end mine…I still do. I don’t even want to give it to the end of the year anymore. I am thinking this summer…maybe spring. Why prolong it.

I don’t quite know where I’ve gone.

I was born into a nice family, I think.  Everything was fine.  Father ran off before I was one year old; so mother found a replacement.  Didn’t quite work out, I saw a few things I shouldn’t have.

Fast-forwarded to thirteen years old… I think I’m fine.  I’m a brat and I’m spoilt- it’s been me and mother for a long time.  Then the world falls down right in front of me… I’m put in my place by bullies, who continue on and on until I shrink inside myself, and my mother… she’s already cracked;  alcohol was her best friend […]

kay, so…i have a pretty good life, well not as bad as others. i do cut becuz i think thats the only way to make the pain go away, to never works though, and i can’t stop. when I’m so sad i can’t think clearly.
this weekend i was so sad and I’m not even sure why, so i decided to go for a walk. i walked all the way to this one bridge by my house. i don’t know what came over my but i ended up standing on it. and a part of me wanted to jump but the other half couldn’t do […]

instead of fake.

All keeps me from that-is inability to forget. All the small details, my head is full of rubbish;

I’ve decided to end my life this Friday (if I’ll be at home alone and have an opportunity), I’ve already created a plan, did almost everything to prepare and fall asleep later.I had a another realistic nightmare about felling horrible.Something scared me there and I woke up.And when my thoughts started to rush into my head, most “important” information not to forget:what I was thinking when I was 12 and so on.I felt nervous tension with a headache, as usually.When I realized, if only I could […]

The other night I was at my aunts house, I was sharing a room with my parents >:(

When the lights were off and we were all trying to fall asleep, I was crying my eyes out but so silently. I felt so terrible and my parents were 5 feet away from me and they had no idea, they were completely oblivious to the fact I was crying so hard for so long. I think its kinda funny how that happened, how ignorant they really are.

i know a lot of people wont like this , but this is just me. everyone’s aloud to have an opinion? i believe so. Everyone deserve’s another chance, if you believe that you’ve “fucked up” or done something regretful. you don’t need to hate yourself for that or anything else. if people are mean to you, or treat you like shit. just know know matter who you are. you are beautiful and no one can tell you who to be, what you should be and what you shouldn’t. if you’ve had a loss and feel like there’s no hope. that’s never true. there’s always hope, […]

i recently discovered this site. i find myself drawn to read through multiple pages of all your stories. my life has been hard and i can relate to alot of u, others not so much, but i feel sad for all that u have been through. know that i care about u, some of your stories leave me in tears, and i would be sad if u were gone