General

So I’m fucked financially. It’s too late in the game to apply for anything and even then most ask for applicants that are looking for 1 year minimum of support. Extending by a semester would have been nice to do before the semester’s about to end. Could get a loan. Not a good idea. Can’t apply for a federal loan cause I’m only doing 1 credit hour so I don’t count as even a part time student. Private loans seem like a deal with the devil. My absolute last choice would be to ask my parents. The mentioned […]

not sure I believe, not sure it matters. Thursday afternoon my boss and her boss pulled me into an office and gave me my walking papers, I was shaking. I asked why a couple times and they couldn’t give me a reason. Seriously, it was just that I was still on probation, and they don’t have to give me a reason. It wasn’t disciplinary. Sign here, hand in your equipment, this had never happened to me like this.

Past two days I’ve been trying to live in this reality. I’m not suicidal about it, at all. Not even that mad. Other people are more mad than […]

I blocked most of the contacts in my phone yesterday.  There are a few of them that I need for the next month and a half, but I decided to block everybody I didn’t need to contact for work or family.  It would raise too much suspicion If I didn’t respond to them.  I deleted my Facebook account too.  It was the only social media presence I had, but I erased that part of myself as well.  I hadn’t posted on it in months, and I can’t stand that crap anymore.  It was weird doing this stuff yesterday, because it felt like the first steps […]

I knew this was coming for a long time i haven’t wanted to be here. My sister who was my only living family member left decided to end her life and she passed away in her sleep. Now that trump and all his goonies are back in the whitehouse its close for that time to come.  this is a sick sick sespool of a world we all live in. Yes i watch the news including jaguar wright and i know whats going on with most of these celebrities now that diddy has been exposed, everything in the dark shall come to light. And oh boy […]

As the title implies, how do you find a desire to live when you are spiritually/emotionally dead inside? As an example, imagine you are in a sinking ship or a burning house, normal people would try to escape while I would just sit there with a bored expression on my face. In such an event, I think I  might feel a slight joy at my possible demise but that’s it.

Snow in Saudi Arabia?

~5min

Flooding in Sahara Desert?

~10min

What’s next? The Earth will be on Fire?
Oh wait…that’s already happening. Much of the USA (like CA) is on fire every year.

Seems like we’re going to destroy ourselves pretty soon- WWIII bc everyone in charge are idiots.

I absolutely lament that I was ever fucking born. This is a shit world.

I don’t want to exist in this reality anymore. Being the bad guy in everyone else’s narrative… it gets old, you know?

I tell myself that I should stick around, on the off-chance that there’s some way to find peace. To be free of this despair. To possibly repent of my past. Or even just become someone capable of repenting. Just in case death isn’t the end.

But there’s probably nothing. And even if hell exists, there’s probably no way out now. I’m effectively already there, psychologically. I’m stuck in an endless self-reinforcing loop of despair, hatred, craving, resentment. I have no real hope. And I don’t […]

Taking it day at a time, I guess. Hour at a time. Minute at a time. It’s about all I can really manage right now. It’s all I’ve been able to manage for some time, I’d say. There’s that tiny, stupid little part of me that wonders, hopes for a light somewhere, despite everything being so dark and has been for so long. Hope for a relief, maybe. Maybe that’s why I’m still alive, but who’s to say. I don’t know if I’ll live long enough to experience it, or if I’ll live an ungodly amount of time here and feel just… like this the […]

To be happy means you have good things in your life and have things you believe in.

But- What do you do when you don’t believe in anything anymore? When everything told to us since birth has been all LIES?

From as early as childhood- I was taught about the Food Pyramid (now debunked as wrong) and told that is what we must eat to be healthy, that cereal was the best food in the morning (now debunked bc it’s full of sugar and wheat which causes massive health problems), that the Native Americans and the colonists were basically singing kumbaya, sharing Thanksgiving meals […]

Pretty much NOTHING our government (FDA, CDC, FBI, CIA, etc) tells us is true.
Pretty much NOTHING our vulture capitalistic corporations tell us is true.

This shit has been on the shelves for 48 YEARS, since 1976, and just LAST year, they found out these things didn’t really work. Shockingly unshocking. This is what we expect when profit is #1 in the USA. Fuck the truth, right?

And this is relatively “minor” compared to the other shit they’re doing to our food/water/phar.maceutical drugs/etc. This isn’t even a horror story compared to the slew of medical crap they’ve forced unto us.

~3min

Been thinking about a lot of stuff lately now that I’m not going to try and die now. Going through old posts a lot because I’m always curious about stuff. I say my post about my first half baked “attempt”. Then I remembered it was over 20 dollars. So I don’t talk about them a lot anymore since I’m a grown man and my problems are currently where I live and not across the country. I actually don’t talk to my family all that much. Can go a couple weeks without calling them. But when I first joined […]

I don’t know how I’m holding together at this point. As previously mentioned, I’m near as bleak as I’ve ever been. All signs point to that I should be flat on my back, unable to sit up. This entire thing, the work, the burnout, then this past week…… certainly no part of myself thought me strong enough to still be standing after all of this.

To be fair maybe I’m not, I haven’t been clear eyed sober in some time. Better days those where, when it was safe to trust anyone other than me. I don’t even trust me, it’s just I can set my watch […]

A few nights ago was a disaster, I got wasted and ruined the night for my friends. I don’t want to get into details in case they’re on here (which I doubt). Just when things were starting to go well this happens, and I don’t know what to do anymore. My brain is a mess and I don’t know what to say to convince myself this time. I keep trying the new week new me format. But then it crashes. Over and over again. I do something stupid and watch it get fucked all over again.
This time I couldn’t figure out what to […]

Ok so change of plans. Not going to try to kill myself after all. I’ve been prepping these last few weeks. Isolating myself from my friends and those around me. Not eating for a few days. Telling my family that I’ll flunk and committing to flunking to further destabilize. Pushing myself in the lab. Constantly reminding myself of my 25 year time limit. Really drive home how hopeless my situation is intentionally and even on a subconscious level. I was trying to drive myself into a corner to manually override my will to live so I […]

So I called my mom to tell her I’m going to flunk. She asked what was next and if I need to stay another semester, but I told her 2 was enough. That I’d go ahead and come home and find work. Was crying but tried my best to sound grounded. Same spiel, keep going forward, once you work you’ll be fine yada yada. Then I let out a little more than I should have. Told her 25 was very long. She wanted me to elaborate. I said 25 years is pretty long. She kept pressing […]

My body’s starting to break down. I have gotten fair amount of sleep the past few days after my all-nighter. However I haven’t eaten a meal since Tuesday. Had almonds and jerky and dried pineapple. Gas station stuff. I don’t know why. I’m not too busy to get something. My fridge is empty. Still haven’t went grocery shopping. Starting to feel the effect. My mind is still wrapped in barbed wire. Told my uncle I’m not graduating. First person I’ve told. He mentioned other things I could do like work and go […]

Would you rather be delusional but Happy? Or sane, logical, and a realist, but Depressed AF?

Most ppl who are happy are delusional- no reason for being so overly optimistic when all the data points otherwise. BUT, they are happy.

I waste a lot of time and energy pondering whether I should kill myself. I wouldn’t say it’s that I want to, exactly. I’m hugely afraid of death. And my subconscious will to survive, though weaker than average, is still clearly present.

But it strikes me that in my current life suffering predominates. Not in an extreme sense. I have chronic back & stomach issues, but it’s rarely agonizing. Mostly just uncomfortable and irritating. But it’s bad, and it has the potential to get much worse. And is unlikely to get much better. So it doesn’t seem worth enduring, for its own sake. In other words, it would […]