Rants

Despite unfortunately recognizing a fair portion of society as dysfunctional, especially all of it when “societal norms” and “common sense” are spread around to degrees that fail more than succeed (primarily because these phrases are inherently subjective in and of themselves leading to a ton of misuse and furthermore harmful concepts being perpetuated for far too long, but that’s a different thing), I’m no different and probably worse considering how I see the pitfalls and I walk right into them, replicating the mistakes of those who have come around literally decades and centuries and even longer than that beforehand, it’s fucking ridiculous, I don’t know […]

Got way too scared so didn’t do it, and i feel terrible now. I feel like i should have done it already a decade ago, at least i had a partner then, but i also felt weird meeting with a guy online.
Anyway i know i have to do it really soon, I don’t know how to stop being so afraid of changes or the unknown. I don’t want to live in this world.

So i still have a couple of hours before i end it, and I’m actually so afraid of dying alone, and what the hell will happen after death? I know i have to force myself to go through with this, at least i know it will be an almost peaceful way to go. Fuck, i wish someone would be by my side.

Does anyone else feel evil?

When sad shit happens to me, I just move on without giving it a second thought. A while back, I had a falling out with my best friend of nine years – someone I spent a lot of time with.  Since then, it’s been almost four months, and I haven’t really felt sad, and I haven’t even felt like I missed her. Also kind of recently, a close cousin died of cancer. Of course, I thought the death was tragic and unfortunate (cancer is no fucking joke), but I just couldn’t bring myself to grieve – like, I physically couldn’t bring […]

i’ve been putting this off for a long time because i needed to justify this as rational, and this is hard to believe because all the support i’ve received suggests i’m a freak of nature. i want to be a rational and logical person very badly, i get upset when others are not.

i wish people would say plainly to my face that i’m hopeless. your thoughts are a product of your suffering but this temporary solution is wrong. you are wrong for thinking this way, apparently.

this is the only solution. i don’t want to live with my mental disability anymore. looking around, there is no […]

Nobody has to know.

That’s what I always tell myself whenever suicidal thoughts come around. See, incarceration, social vigilance, and psychiatric violence aren’t my thing. I haven’t, to date, met anyone who appreciates getting tased, shot, beaten, and their freedom taken away from them after mustering the courage to speak out anyway. It certainly isn’t a me thing.

Mouth shut. I need to avoid danger, and there’s no need to say why. There’s no safety in coercion, in raw, unfiltered violence. Losing one’s freedom is no fun. It, instead, can be quite a traumatizing experience. Never again.

But there’s more […]

It’s nearly been 2 years now since I was last here. Things never got better since the last time I attempted and posted here.

I tried attempting again last year July, but got caught and the things I was going to use were taken and hidden or thrown away. After that, it was just covered up.

I met someone in September of last year, we started dating, and then 3 months in, he started cheating and I found out in March this year along with the fact that he lied about how old he is. It was incredibly toxic and I planned on attempting while we were […]