I’m 24 years old, I’ve been suicidal and haven’t wanted to live for as long as I can remember. Growing up I was dragged to many different doctors, therapists, and psychiatrists, all never knowing how to help me and my mental illnesses. I’ve tried over 20 different medications, several different types of therapy and even ketamine therapy as a last resort. The ketamine was somewhat helpful, but I realized that even with the combination of ketamine, antidepressants, and therapy, using the tools I’ve been given to try and better my life and my mental health, I still don’t want to live. You can say that […]
Category:
Rants
I mean, sort of but not really, for a few things in particular they’ve all either “lost their luster” or were not ever really apparent in terms of value to begin with. This is going to be quite ranty, not a very important post at all so it’d be better to look at others, but regardless, nowadays social media wise or whatever you call it I still see others thinking about past people and wanting them back or still being hung up over them. I don’t and I have probably never felt that way about much of anyone for my short time on this rock. I […]
All the years.
And another year I am depressed just before my birthday in February.
And last year and the year before and so on for so long it’s been the same. I think since I was 10? 13? 9, turning 10? I don’t know. I started watching porn when I was 9… just before I turned 10 years old.
Ah, my brother had a psychosis then. 7 years ago now, I think? Maybe a little less. I was 14 anyway. Ah, I turn 21 in a week. I didn’t watch porn or masturbate since September but on Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, and now today also I watched […]
I’m so fxxking sick of this world. So tired of people staring at me like I’m a freak. They stare at me because they pity me. People know that I am an outcast. I’m am like this unpopular celebrity. People want nothing to do with me, but yet they’re fascinated with me. No one wants to hang out me, so I don’t have any friends.
I hate everyone especially men. Men make me want to throw up. I want to puke every organ out of my body because I hate them so much. How I can ever be attracted to them is beyond me. I don’t […]
at 3:52pm on august 15, 2024, i attempted to commit suicide to flee from the foul words that escape the mouths of vile people, to flee from the troubles i must push through every day, to flee my imperfect body and personality affected by my severe depression so i can transform into another being. i, however, failed thanks to leaving my computer on. the pleading messages of my best friend were left on read, plainly on the screen of my computer. his words stunned me. he desperately wanted to know if i was okay. he cared to know if i was okay. tears fell from […]
Death, my sweet melancholy friend,
Why have you hidden your face from me for so long?
I longed for you, but I could not find you.
As time went on, things only worsened in your absence.
Now, I can feel you are near.
Let me clear my schedule. Let me set the time aside for you.
You are the only one I can trust to hear my burdens as I lay in your cold embrace.
Reach out your hand, and invite me into your dark abode.
You and I both know life wasn’t meant for us.
i feel that if i don’t make a significant change that society notices, i will never be enough. i feel that i won’t be missed.
what’s the point to live if you don’t do anything with what potential you have? i believe i can do more than i think, but will i? it hurts to think i’ll never make it anywhere in life. it hurts to think there isn’t a future for me. it hurts to think i’m irrelevant.
i want to be noticed. to maintain my life, i *need* to be noticed. i *need* to make a change.
it’s very quiet at this coast, not a lot of people on friday. a few people jump from here every year or so, can’t say how many exactly because their deaths are not always reported, the accidental ones always are though, perhaps they’re more interesting? more valuable?
do you ever talk to someone and so harshly reminded that you’re an utterly inferior human? without them even trying? i go through that a lot. what you feel is what you manifest in the real world right?
reading about these people who “miraculously” survived isn’t very comforting, i believe they must hit rock much sooner and tumbled to the […]
Despite unfortunately recognizing a fair portion of society as dysfunctional, especially all of it when “societal norms” and “common sense” are spread around to degrees that fail more than succeed (primarily because these phrases are inherently subjective in and of themselves leading to a ton of misuse and furthermore harmful concepts being perpetuated for far too long, but that’s a different thing), I’m no different and probably worse considering how I see the pitfalls and I walk right into them, replicating the mistakes of those who have come around literally decades and centuries and even longer than that beforehand, it’s fucking ridiculous, I don’t know […]
Got way too scared so didn’t do it, and i feel terrible now. I feel like i should have done it already a decade ago, at least i had a partner then, but i also felt weird meeting with a guy online.
Anyway i know i have to do it really soon, I don’t know how to stop being so afraid of changes or the unknown. I don’t want to live in this world.
So i still have a couple of hours before i end it, and I’m actually so afraid of dying alone, and what the hell will happen after death? I know i have to force myself to go through with this, at least i know it will be an almost peaceful way to go. Fuck, i wish someone would be by my side.
it should come soon (i say for the hundredth time so like who actually cares). this is a new low. i’ve never felt so scared and panicked.
I only get on here when things get really bad and surprise things are really bad again. I feel safe on here hiding behind a screen. Strangers telling me it’s going to be alright but I know it’s not. 23 feels so young but i feel like I’ve lived a lifetime and a half.
Today i was driving to work and though one small turn of the wheel and I wouldn’t feel pain anymore. But I can’t leave my cats. That’s stupid isn’t it? Staying alive for cats. My therapist says anything that keeps you alive isn’t stupid but i beg to differ.
Being in this relationship […]
Does anyone else feel evil?
When sad shit happens to me, I just move on without giving it a second thought. A while back, I had a falling out with my best friend of nine years – someone I spent a lot of time with. Since then, it’s been almost four months, and I haven’t really felt sad, and I haven’t even felt like I missed her. Also kind of recently, a close cousin died of cancer. Of course, I thought the death was tragic and unfortunate (cancer is no fucking joke), but I just couldn’t bring myself to grieve – like, I physically couldn’t bring […]
i’ve been putting this off for a long time because i needed to justify this as rational, and this is hard to believe because all the support i’ve received suggests i’m a freak of nature. i want to be a rational and logical person very badly, i get upset when others are not.
i wish people would say plainly to my face that i’m hopeless. your thoughts are a product of your suffering but this temporary solution is wrong. you are wrong for thinking this way, apparently.
this is the only solution. i don’t want to live with my mental disability anymore. looking around, there is no […]
Faith based rant, completely irrelevant if there is nothing beyond this existence, which may well be the case.
However I keep coming back to that if there were such a thing as a god, or gods, or entities more powerful than humans. The thing is that most people don’t get how dramatic the impact humanity has. It’s awful, we’re still cleaning up. So when you invoke a _Higher Power_, understand what that means. Humans have it within them to travel within the solar system in my lifetime.
_Higher Power_ could correct for mistakes is what I’ve always thought. It doesn’t always, and that’s a complicated situation.
I don’t […]
Nobody has to know.
That’s what I always tell myself whenever suicidal thoughts come around. See, incarceration, social vigilance, and psychiatric violence aren’t my thing. I haven’t, to date, met anyone who appreciates getting tased, shot, beaten, and their freedom taken away from them after mustering the courage to speak out anyway. It certainly isn’t a me thing.
Mouth shut. I need to avoid danger, and there’s no need to say why. There’s no safety in coercion, in raw, unfiltered violence. Losing one’s freedom is no fun. It, instead, can be quite a traumatizing experience. Never again.
But there’s more […]
It’s nearly been 2 years now since I was last here. Things never got better since the last time I attempted and posted here.
I tried attempting again last year July, but got caught and the things I was going to use were taken and hidden or thrown away. After that, it was just covered up.
I met someone in September of last year, we started dating, and then 3 months in, he started cheating and I found out in March this year along with the fact that he lied about how old he is. It was incredibly toxic and I planned on attempting while we were […]
I got raped last year I was 16 and a virgin it was by someone I really trusted he was 21 I had known him since I was 12 and he was 17 I feel stupid saying we were friends but that’s how it felt we would talk and hang out sometimes but we hadn’t hung out in a while before it happened. I have spent the past year struggling trying to deal with it a couple weeks after it happened I ended up dating my best friend. That came with it’s own set of problems because one of my cousins around my age that […]
it’s been a long time. over 2 years, i think. many things have happened since my last post, and i am just about to explode from frustration and just, feeling bad in general.
i started a relationship, actually. it started and it also ended, both things happened because i chose it to be like that. basically, my partner cheated on me while we were long distance. i can’t lie, it was a punch to the gut, i never thought i’d end up like this, and i truly never saw it coming. after we had a few issues regarding communication and just me ending up at the […]