Just a generally disturbing Sunday Evening happening; my dog brought my attention to a gas cap in his bedding……

Here’s me thinking he was hungry. It didn’t come off of any of our vehicles is the thing. So where did it come from? It means he picked it up in the yard most likely, there’s a bit of buried junk back there. Little stuff people forget, and I repeat my lament; this state is so polluted.

It’s just cummulative, I know a little thing like a gas cap doesn’t seem like it is harmful, but it is and it all makes it worse, especially this being technically […]

I’ve only ever been good enough for a moment.

Good enough for me, good enough for my friends, good enough for my wife and for my children. But only for a moment.
When I reach the crossroads I know so intimately, I know I have to turn around and go back. I’ve never been able to turn left, or right, or find another road to go down. It’s always the same; go back to the start and try again.
I’m 30 now, I have BPD and somehow I’ve managed to find a wife and settle into a life with two kids. Kinda funny considering my generation […]

A serious question- WHAT exactly is so great about humans?

Seems Like Humans:
-Pollute the Earth (air, water, pesticides, toxins, etc)
-Destroy the Earth (deforestation, global warming, etc)
-Caused the extinction of millions of species of plant, animal, sea creatures
-F*cked up the food supply (pesticides, etc)
-Can’t stop fighting and killing each other over land + natural resources
-The rich control everything and push the masses into living nearly paycheck to paycheck, in crushing poverty/debt, etc
-The masses now live worse than peasants- at least the peasants OWNED LAND back in the day. now, how many other than the rich do? and no, […]

I was in therapy one day aged 23, a virgin, afraid of women, with the strict female therapist. She was scribbling down notes, she became very fidgety with the pen, jerking said pen,  ” I realise these are difficult questions” she said avoiding eye contact  ” but do you masturbate?” She asked  regaining eye contact and looking at me fixedly. It was a question which had caught me off guard but it was also a question I liked. In a life filled with lows, terrifying lows, this was a high. What could I say but the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, […]

This was, and is, very much a thing in my generation and older generations (ppl over 45yo). Any woman who dared question having children or outright said they didn’t want children were shunned, ostracized, yelled, seen as evil, horrible, unloving, etc. I know the younger generation do not view having children the same- more flexibility and acceptance in thought and divergence now- ie it’s now OK to NOT have children or NOT get married. It was treated like a cardinal sin just a few decades ago when I was a kid if a women said they didn’t want to get married or […]

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What do you guys think?

Tuesday marks 9 weeks. Still haven’t heard anything. Don’t know when I will. Hope I do soon so I can continue on with my life. Wouldn’t be in this predicament if had planned better, but that’s to be expected at this point. Meeting with the advisor some point in the future and I’m going to guess he isn’t happy with the fact that I never submitted to a journal like I said I was. Could’ve ended up rejecting me as a result. Even though he did write a recommendation letter.

I’ve been told my suicidal ideation is […]

Lots of Food For Thought- What do you all think?

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now they’re descheduling me tomorrow, or that’s what it looks like.

when I got off work today I was already set up for a pretty lousy shift tomorrow; 12;30-4;30, so just the hottest part of the afternoon. I was going to do it though because any hours is hours. I need hours.

Then a few hours later I look at my schedule, because it can change any time, and now I don’t have any scheduled hours tomorrow…. and maybe a day off sounds nice in the middle of the week, especially a hot week…..

but I’m insecure in my job. Is this some kind of message about my […]

I’m overweight, broke, and pissed off.
I can’t sleep.
I’m trying to make some kind of life for myself. What annoys me is that despite everything I’ve been trying to do, I’m still in a shit position. Tettering on homelessness and barely making it out of situations. How the hell am I supposed to get rid of the debts I have, navigate car issues, get myself back in shape, and start to work on my health overall if I can barely make my bills for the month? I’m trying to increase my monthly income and reduce my bills, but in the grand scheme of things, […]

I’ve run into a lot of people who feel like I do about Oklahoma, who have been here maybe twice. It doesn’t take long to find out that this place is hard to escape. The video is partially about the car curse, how trying to leave Oklahoma (and particularly Tulsa) is going to face some supernatural odds…. Awful things happen, improbable things, and this place, most of this state doesn’t make sense even to those of us stuck living here……

I mean I just got done loving on one of my kids, and trying to focus on the good, but that kid is probably stuck as […]

everyone has their own issues but I am a piece of work.
it’s been a while. there are repeat people here ive noticed.
I know people have shit going on but I have to be one of the more benign forms of it and yet my life is still made miserable.
I just have so much resentment towards people. maybe I’m primarily antisocial instead of narcissistic. If I could bring someone else down to keep my mood together I would do it in a heartbeat.
its hard to really relate to anyone with what I’m going through. it’s like I’m a […]

Willie Nelson has always been one of my heroes, and I love that he’s cool enough to work on something like this

I was talking to @plainwhite about mourning and then by complete happenstance I stumbled into thinking about my granddad who I’ll never see again in the flesh. I have a lot of those people in my heart. Some of them are still alive, but I doubt I’ll see them anyway. Dead to me just means they’re working really hard never to see my face again. Maybe I’m doing it to them.

Point is Granddad is ash, his brain patterns and soul bits scattered to the wind whatever they were. All that is left is my memories of him, and everyone else who has them as well. […]

I only ever tasted paradise once. I never knew such pleasure existed, even if it was only 20 mins. The girl was an 11 out of 10. I never knew they existed. I was seeing stars with the pleasure. A knock on the door called things to a halt.Being inexperienced, I had only been with my 25 year old girlfriend I thought I preferred girls  older than her again, in their 30’s and 40’s but this girl was a bit under 18.

At the core of it all is that I don’t know how to tolerate my experiences. All of the shame, regret, longing, despair… I don’t know how to experience that, and be ok with it. To exist with it, on an ongoing basis, for however long the rest of my life is. Because it’s always there, in the background. And to not want to run, to not desperately look for distraction, for anything that will momentarily fill my mind with something else… I don’t know how to do that.

And I don’t know if anyone else knows how either. I’m not confident that it’s possible. The […]

Why isn’t this world almost perfect? Shouldn’t we feel great and do amazing things mostly?

What I want, need for success the most is control, just to feel integrated into my world and to feel like I understand and have input in it. Finding balance in this has been the central arc of my mental health journey. I know absolute control is impossible, but more control than I have is also possible. Days like today are hard for a reason, I had to cope with a distinct lack of control, it took significant coping skills to hide how much it shook me, and I probably hid it poorly.

The projects and jobs I succeeded at, I was given multi month timelines […]

I had a nightmare recently where I was escaping some sort of industrial facility along with a lady.

It was clear this morning what we were running from but I can’t quite remember anymore. I think it was a horde of monsters.

The whole place was falling apart for some reason and there were explosions happening all around us and there was fire all over the place.

We were headed for an escape ladder or something that supposedly led to some sort of jet.

Those monsters were right behind us and the path leading up to the ladder fell apart so we had to jump over a large […]

My first time posting here. I explain with words, tears, music, etc, and I’m just met with either silence or surface level positivity. Even in suicide/depressed-focust support groups online, I still feel like an outsider in my own pain. I still feel like an alien to those who are supposed to be feeling just like I do right now. How fucked am I if other depressed people don’t even understand what I’m going through? “But have you tried this?” I’ve tried a million things a million times. I’m not depressed or suicidal for the common reasons most people can relate to. I reach out, and […]