One of the 2 receptionists keeps lying to me about dates/times not being available. In the past, I would just call and hope I’d get the guy- the other receptionist- and he usually books the date/time I requested. But now she’s got him to lie and refuse to make the appts as well. Then one day they were both leaving an hour early and some other guy who I’ve never seen before was covering the front desk. Lo and behold- he’s able to make the appts for me for the dates/times I want and gave me no issues.

I’m sick […]

I personally dislike AI, but sometimes it does make something funny, and my wife made something funny with AI this time because I don’t force her to share my distastes. For context here I’m a white man and she’s a white woman. Granted we both have complex backgrounds, but the AI got a lot wrong here.

So she decided to feed one of our vacation photos into an AI filter because it was popular, totally normal. It was a picture of us cuddling on a seat going up the Gateway Arch in St. Louis Missouri. The first thing that several of the filters turned us into […]

What do you guys think?

00:02 – 00:59 The Dangers of Fluorescent Lighting
01:00 – 01:49 The Disappearance of Waiting and Anticipation
01:56 – 02:59 The Plight of Placelessness in Modern Spaces
03:01 – 03:51 Disconnect from Nature and Grounding
04:07 – 05:09 The Weaponization of Nostalgia in Marketing
05:11 – 06:09 Public Spaces: Where Have They Gone?
06:09 – 07:17 Modern Architecture and Its Coldness
07:17 – 08:18 Nature Deprivation and Its Effects
08:18 – 09:28 The Overload of Choices in Life
09:28 – 10:31 The Hidden Dangers of Sitting

Well I finally got my answer. I got accepted. Without funding. Meaning no go. I’m just happy to have an answer after all this time. Not the answer I wanted, but an answer. Now I got to find a job. For the next year anyway. I plan to apply to more PhD programs. I know I’m not qualified. For work or academics. I’m completely out of my depth. But I got to make it work. Because it’s what I want. Even though I know for a fact I’m not good enough. […]

Sometimes, I like to come here once in a while to just vent my dark thoughts. Take it or leave it.

When you’re unhappy, you search for the answers. I am always questioning why things are the way they are. Sometimes, I feel like I was born in the wrong universe. I have become obsessed with it. What is the best to search for then the internet, where people are free to expose their secrets. It’s believed that some people are so attention starved that they will tell on themselves or others. I was cursed to see this darkness in this world.

People […]

Ive been doing my best to stay in the present moment. To have gratitude for simpler things. I notice that when I suffer, most of the time its because my expectations are too high. I want control over something largely uncontrollable. The acceptance or praise of others. Status. Success. Im trying to walk along more realistic and less selfish paths. More spiritual. I walked in the woods today. The bugs were buzzing, vines were spiraling up the trees, beavers were running about, and the warmth of summer was carried on a gentle breeze. It was half an hour, but it was simple & sacred. That […]

Im grateful I get to sleep in a bed tonight. Im grateful to have seen a baseball game in person. Im grateful I can still tell my loved ones that I love them.

Everyday feels so long. Never feel like getting up in the morning. Bored but don’t have any motivation. I don’t know. My head isn’t good when I’m stressed out and working and it isn’t good when I’m stagnate and numb. Can’t seem to win either way. I came into this summer worried that it’d be my last relaxing one. Now I don’t think I ever want a summer like this.

So I still haven’t gotten an answer on my application. But I finally got in contact with people. Waiting on a reply. Don’t feel that bad, but still not doing amazing. I was just happy to finally get in contact with someone. I think I need to get an answer by at least next week. I doubt I’ll be able to attend otherwise.

People are problems for me. I don’t understand. It feels like all my issues stem from them and being self aware. Being perceived. I told myself where ever I end […]

Therapy is helping.

It really is helping me understand things.

I’m still the problem though.

My apartment is a mess, I took off from work today because I feel like shit, and hope I’d be at least a little motivated to clean up a bit.

Nope.

Laying in bed, and just trying to motivate myself to shower even.

Idk what I’m doing.

Money issues are drowning me rn.

I feel chained down because I have all these bills and debts that I can’t pay rn. I’m barely holding on with my main expenses,

Fuck.

I have to get myself going here.

I can do this.

they fired me, I’m in new levels of ticked off about it, just another bad company really. Have you ever met a good company? Can’t say I have.

My wife says she works for one, but I don’t work for them.

Life was already expensive for decades- rent/food/gas/etc. But life has never been MORE expensive since COVID. Every damn corporation has used Covid as an excuse to jack up the price of literally everything. In the USA, cost of food has skyrocketed, cost of rent which was already sky high, has gotten more sky high, cost of goods for everything across the board has gone up. OFC now after the tariffs, it’s going to be even WORSE in the next coming years. Great time to be alive eh?

Am I the only one to b!tch about the cost of living? I […]

If you don’t know who Cheslie Kryst was there are tons of news articles & videos available, or you could read her book like I did. She was Miss USA 2019, a full time lawyer, athlete, model, activist, fashion blogger, TV host for the show Extra, and a ton of other stuff. She jumped from a highrise in NYC in 2022.

The book is in 2 parts, the main part is her memoir beginning on the night she won Miss USA 2019 and contining thru the 1.5 years of her reign living in NYC while flashing back to the years leading up to it. The 2nd […]

It isn’t all doom and gloom over here, sometimes one of my projects actually comes to something worthwhile, even if I’m the only one that will ever see value out of it.

Out of nowhere the other day I remembered a game from my mispent youth; Creatures 3. This was back from the compact disc days. I literally owned a cardboard box with the little booklet and a jewel case containing a little compact disc with the words Creatures 3 printed on it. It had a CD key! It was one of my first experiences with modding a game!

This was before the Sims, one of the […]

I’m dreading going to class tomorrow.

Monday before class, a girl came up to me and started talking to me. I actually managed to hold a conversation with her for the 15 minutes we had before class started. She “ended up” inviting me to one of her upcoming shows. She even gave me a discount code and her instagram. I, like the dumbass I am, was ecstatic. I thought this could be my chance to make a friend.

Once I got home, I sent her a message on instagram. Just said she seemed very cool and I’d like to get to know her better. […]

There are things I like to refer to as car engine light problems. If you ignore it and keep driving, more than likely you’ll be OK. It’s when you try to find what the problem is is when things get bad.

Lately my dumbass has been messing around on those websites where you pay girls to give you attention. Use your imagination for what type of websites those are. Made me realize how lonely I was for a relationship like that. Talking to a person about your problems. Feeling close to them in that way. Having someone […]

I feel like NO ONE (or hardly anyone)
1- understands me (or cares)
2- believes the same things I do (politically, economically, socially, medically, etc)- or believes even half the stuff I do (ie NOT mainstream, NOT Left, NOT Right, NOT Libertarian, NOT Green)- there’s certain things I believe from each of those parties but certainly not most.
3- understands my depression (or cares)

What do you do when you feel like an alien amongst sheeple? Everyone thinks they are “awake” but they still blindly follow their “side” or their “guys.” No one picks apart each and every “thing” and analyzes that thing or […]

She was away with her sisters. It was getting late, near the witching hour, 2.55 am. I had dismissed a new bit on the side at midnight, that was a mistake, post physical relations I find I want nothing to do with women,I’ll sleep in another room thank you very much. She’s getting too fond of wacky baccy, it’s hard enough maintaining my own usage, one can’t carry women. Her perfume was all over the house, nice perfume I hasten to add, but I had to be careful , she has a nose like a fucking sniffer dog.I opened every window in the house. A […]

How many of us are stuck in a apt/neighborhood/city/state that we don’t want to be in due to finances? I think there’s many of us in that boat. Me, heartless, trulymindless, Soda (unless he was finally able to move out of that apt)- that’s at least 4. How many others?

Hogwash or True?

People have REAL problems- like poverty, health problems, bad jobs, bad bosses, bad coworkers, not being able to afford a good apt in a good neighborhood, etc. But we’re constantly being told by therapists “we just need to change our mentality.” Like isn’t that what DBT and CBT all about? Telling us that the way we think is WRONG, and we just have to think differently so that we’d be happy.

But isn’t that just lying to ourselves? All it does is have the whole world tell us that we are WRONG, and that we must be like robots or good […]