i’ve been struggling a lot lately. honestly i don’t really know what to do. or well, i kinda do. like, i know what i should do, but i also don’t want to actually do that. kinda complicated, but not really.

sometimes i think, i really shouldn’t’ve started to date people. so far, it’s only made my life miserable. or maybe it’s me. i’m a common denominator after all i guess. i mean it’s not like i’m perfect, obviously. but to not even ask the other person how they’re doing? it feels pretty different.

long distance makes things even worse, because no matter how many times i […]

Sent an email today since it was the 10 week mark. They passed it over to the assistant head (?) of the department. Hopefully he checks his emails regularly. A part of me is hoping I get rejected. The thought of having to be around those people again. It’s unpleasant to think about. Getting a job means a new slate. But it’s not what I want to do. I think. Being this stagnant for this long has started to weigh on me. I could’ve been productive, but I haven’t. July has only begun, but […]

Anybody got anything funny? In need of a laugh…sigh…

I first heard that term when Chelsie Kryst jumped off a highrise in Manhattan. She was Miss America 2019, tv star, model, etc, and who knows what other endeavors, but suicide won out.

Although I’m not a celebrity, I can totally relate because I’m in a high stress career with tons of responsibilities on my shoulders in addition to keeping my own personal responsibilities on track. I think that’s why nobody around me recognizes that I’m so fucking depressed I obsess over suicide every hour of the day. The stereotype of the depressed person is someone who lays in bed all day or whatever, and here’s […]

Suicide is an addiction. Once you’ve attempted it but just didnt make it… It is always in the back of your mind. Every day it is another option you can put on a to do list. As if you quit smoking and crave it every day but you just don’t fire one up even if you desire it so much. But if you just dont want to be here anymore…its that option. Next time perhaps?

Next Tuesday is the tenth and final week. I should’ve gotten an answer by now. It’s not coming tomorrow. 4th of July. Everyone is off. Doubt it’s going to show up Monday or Tuesday. If it’s a no, I wish they would’ve just given it to me already. Want to move on with my life. Probably should’ve been looking for either a job or an apartment this whole time. Instead I’ve been sitting on my ass waiting for a response from people who probably don’t even want me in the first place.

Every time I […]

Little jerk forced me into a lie today, and I was kind of impressed at it. One of my favorite kids so to be clear the little jerk thing is a term of endearment. He’s one of the smartest kids I work with so he does make little asides that surprise me from time to time.

“Why do adults never brush their teeth”, a comment about my bad breath….. and he got me. I’ve had a headache most of the day and I’m bad at lying to him, so I admitted to having bad breath and not brushing my teeth. What I didn’t tell him was […]

other men get full up on food and good things and might talk about battles they won, or trophies, but me, I end up talking about nineties cartoons and Native American legends……. because I’m a fucking nerd.

I’ve believed in the potential of “Kid Friendly” (This is the actual name of the Character I’m discussing, to prevent a bunch of Abbott and Costello level confusion) From the 90s hit Angry Beavers for a long time now.

The ballad was sung by Waylon Jennings for pity sake, it was my introduction to him as a singer. I loved the bit about killing people with kindness, it was just […]

An intrusive thought just occurred to me. I was wondering what ever happened to the old chat room we had like a decade ago. Is it still active or has it been lost to time like so many things in this world?

Five Finger Death Punch-
This is pretty much how I feel about “democracy”
-_-

Just a generally disturbing Sunday Evening happening; my dog brought my attention to a gas cap in his bedding……

Here’s me thinking he was hungry. It didn’t come off of any of our vehicles is the thing. So where did it come from? It means he picked it up in the yard most likely, there’s a bit of buried junk back there. Little stuff people forget, and I repeat my lament; this state is so polluted.

It’s just cummulative, I know a little thing like a gas cap doesn’t seem like it is harmful, but it is and it all makes it worse, especially this being technically […]

I’ve only ever been good enough for a moment.

Good enough for me, good enough for my friends, good enough for my wife and for my children. But only for a moment.
When I reach the crossroads I know so intimately, I know I have to turn around and go back. I’ve never been able to turn left, or right, or find another road to go down. It’s always the same; go back to the start and try again.
I’m 30 now, I have BPD and somehow I’ve managed to find a wife and settle into a life with two kids. Kinda funny considering my generation […]

A serious question- WHAT exactly is so great about humans?

Seems Like Humans:
-Pollute the Earth (air, water, pesticides, toxins, etc)
-Destroy the Earth (deforestation, global warming, etc)
-Caused the extinction of millions of species of plant, animal, sea creatures
-F*cked up the food supply (pesticides, etc)
-Can’t stop fighting and killing each other over land + natural resources
-The rich control everything and push the masses into living nearly paycheck to paycheck, in crushing poverty/debt, etc
-The masses now live worse than peasants- at least the peasants OWNED LAND back in the day. now, how many other than the rich do? and no, […]

I was in therapy one day aged 23, a virgin, afraid of women, with the strict female therapist. She was scribbling down notes, she became very fidgety with the pen, jerking said pen,  ” I realise these are difficult questions” she said avoiding eye contact  ” but do you masturbate?” She asked  regaining eye contact and looking at me fixedly. It was a question which had caught me off guard but it was also a question I liked. In a life filled with lows, terrifying lows, this was a high. What could I say but the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, […]

This was, and is, very much a thing in my generation and older generations (ppl over 45yo). Any woman who dared question having children or outright said they didn’t want children were shunned, ostracized, yelled, seen as evil, horrible, unloving, etc. I know the younger generation do not view having children the same- more flexibility and acceptance in thought and divergence now- ie it’s now OK to NOT have children or NOT get married. It was treated like a cardinal sin just a few decades ago when I was a kid if a women said they didn’t want to get married or […]

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What do you guys think?

Tuesday marks 9 weeks. Still haven’t heard anything. Don’t know when I will. Hope I do soon so I can continue on with my life. Wouldn’t be in this predicament if had planned better, but that’s to be expected at this point. Meeting with the advisor some point in the future and I’m going to guess he isn’t happy with the fact that I never submitted to a journal like I said I was. Could’ve ended up rejecting me as a result. Even though he did write a recommendation letter.

I’ve been told my suicidal ideation is […]

Lots of Food For Thought- What do you all think?

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now they’re descheduling me tomorrow, or that’s what it looks like.

when I got off work today I was already set up for a pretty lousy shift tomorrow; 12;30-4;30, so just the hottest part of the afternoon. I was going to do it though because any hours is hours. I need hours.

Then a few hours later I look at my schedule, because it can change any time, and now I don’t have any scheduled hours tomorrow…. and maybe a day off sounds nice in the middle of the week, especially a hot week…..

but I’m insecure in my job. Is this some kind of message about my […]

I’m overweight, broke, and pissed off.
I can’t sleep.
I’m trying to make some kind of life for myself. What annoys me is that despite everything I’ve been trying to do, I’m still in a shit position. Tettering on homelessness and barely making it out of situations. How the hell am I supposed to get rid of the debts I have, navigate car issues, get myself back in shape, and start to work on my health overall if I can barely make my bills for the month? I’m trying to increase my monthly income and reduce my bills, but in the grand scheme of things, […]