I’ve stopped worrying when I think about death at night. It’s when it visits in the morning that causes concern. I’ve somehow made it through 50 years…lived a lifetime with bipolar disorder and major depressive disorder…and I’m still here. Somehow I have to beat the odds.
So far, I am.
Goodnight world. Perchance to dream- perchance to sleep…
Where did this intellectually gifted gangster disappear to?
Ever since I was a child, I was never really happy with who I was. I always looked at other people and wish I could be them. Everyone is smarter, funnier, wealthier, stronger, more attractive, and/or just better off than I am.
When I was about 7, and later at age 11, I was sexually assaulted multiple times by two different people (a cousin and a fellow Boy Scout). I’m still traumatized by those experiences, but I believe I deserved it because I never said anything to stop them.
When I first developed depression, I started self-loathing. At age 13, I was diagnosed with a medical condition […]
how can you say those three small words to me again for the first time in four and a half years? I’m vulnerable. so fucking vulnerable. I’ve known you going on ten years, you were my first love, and we never fully got over it and always find our way back to each other in the most random of ways. I love Ryan so much. but now here you are again. ever since we were fifteen it’s been there. you have me so damn confused. make it stop, make it stop.
Dad is back in town once again. And for the first time I’m months, I’ve cut just to get some peace. Sad to say, it no longer helps.
Maybe I’m not meant for this
Perhaps all the drops and twists were not hurdles
But barriers, put up to show me I should stop
I try I fail I try again
But never can I succeed
Every time I attempt to lead a normal persons life
I get sucked down and stuck and faced with more strife
Maybe I’m not meant to live
I despise what I am. I have broken laws just to feel pleasure. I have cut just to feel pain. I am numb, I wasn’t always like this but like many events it came with a revelation. I have no friends. They are not there for me even though I’m there for them. I can’t cry I’ve tried many times to make myself, though I just can’t. All people see is my smile. They don’t see me for what I truly am. Numb
Let’s boon. Gear up, see what’s up. Hmu
We’ll get a gang of heavy bud, enough to smoke an OD
Just in case, loose so much brain cells stay in the jungle
Make a fire, make the fire. I want to play Elder Scrolls Online
But we’re not coming back
Take me to a higher place, then let us vanquish
The water, the fire, the earth
Everybody else tells me they’re depressed because they feel as if nobody would care if they died or not, they think they are worthless and they hate every fiber of their being, they feel as if there’s no potential in their life, and something has sparked their depression such as someone fucking with their life and such, but for me… I’m different. I mean, I’m an athiest so I believe that there’s nothing after death, no pain, no enjoyment, just eternal peace. I believe this because our consciousness is from blood getting to our nervous system and brain, so everything around us is, well, life […]
It hurts so much.. I just want it to stop
I don’t really dwell over the fact my wife left me, even though it’s only been a few months since she left..in fact I’m so lost I can hardly recall any details to a single moment we shared together… I don’t miss her face or her smile..I don’t miss her comfort or the things she shared with me. I don’t even know why we were together, anymore.
I don’t see myself getting better, as I look back and realize it’s always been this way to one extreme or another, I can see I’m not meant to […]
The world we live in are filled up with a bunch of friggen hypocrites. Oh I’m a leech am I for costing taxpayers money because I am having a difficult time holding down a job but at the same time I get put on suicide watch if I say I want to kill myself to save everyone the burden of having me around. Hypocrites!
It’s getting to the point where I’m just tired of existing again. Like many times before, though I have never shared these times; I don’t know why I suddenly feel like posting this now. I’m tired of doing all this pointless work, I’m tired of pretending to my family that I care at all about getting some kind of “job” (which I never have and likely never will care about), I’m tired of spending all my savings to live comfortably and go to school when I never had any intention of living that long in the first place and there are people who actually want […]
Yep. There was a chance for me in April where I could have died from cyanide poisoning. As painful as that would have been, I’d be dead right now. My suffering would have ended there. I hate myself for not doing it, for not taking the chance I had.
I thought I could make a life for myself, for my Grandmother’s sake at the very least, but things have gotten worse since then. I’m making excuses, whatever. I want out right now. I’m going to try again tonight. It should work if I’m serious enough.
In case it does work; I bid thee farewell.
<3
I don’t like humans. My main goals in life are to never reproduce and die. Euthanasia should be legalised, therefore all of the nice people don’t have to put up with others’ bullshit. Going to war against others and killing them is okay, but suicide is completely disrespectful to humankind. That just makes me want to die more, because I fucking hate humanity. Everyone has about as much meaning as a rock or a ball of crap that a dung beetle rolls up. People believe in God because they can’t handle knowledge. Everyone likes to be stupid. Just look how popular drugs, alcohol, and sex […]
No disrespect, just an honest question:
No methods, but we let predators play here?
I don’t get it.
Ten years ago I got married. I married the mother of my first born and felt more optimistic about life than I ever had. I had my family. We had 2 more kids and it was that much better. I worked up to 3 jobs at a time to begin with so my wife could finish school. When she did I became a stay at home dad and went to working just part time. She made great money. With this came her urge to spend it and the infidelity began. Things were rough for a while but then it all got better. Around my 10th […]
The day he was born I no longer felt alone.
He was mine to protect.
I failed.
That night, he saw.
He saw my blood.
He saw my cuts.
He heard my tears.
My biggest failure of all: I failed him.
Okay, so few weeks ago I posted about my dad commiting suicide and lot of you were commenting about how you wish for your dads or family to be dead.
Let me tell you that before all this I wanted my dad gone as well. He had done horrible things to me and to my mother. He had been always drunk and had played hazard games, spending all his money. And I hated him, for all the pain he caused. But be careful what you wish for. Once your family is gone. There is no way back. And no matter how bad they are on […]