It’s getting to the point where I’m just tired of existing again. Like many times before, though I have never shared these times; I don’t know why I suddenly feel like posting this now. I’m tired of doing all this pointless work, I’m tired of pretending to my family that I care at all about getting some kind of “job” (which I never have and likely never will care about), I’m tired of spending all my savings to live comfortably and go to school when I never had any intention of living that long in the first place and there are people who actually want to live who would need it much more than I do.
The only reason I started going to school was because I was working at a grocery store some years ago and felt like a complete idiot for not going to university. I think that’s the only motivation I have any more, to not feel like an idiot. There are many days I have done nothing but studied. Barely eat, didn’t wash, didn’t clean up my apartment to the point that there were papers littered all over the floor and stuff growing on dishes that have been left in the sink for weeks. I don’t even study for a real reason, it’s just all I can do.
Why is everything in this world so pointless but people still have some desire to live? One might say that at least I’m not a starving African or something, but that doesn’t give me a reason why they want to live in the first place. I’m pretty much just an empty being in a pointless society, on a pointless planet, in a pointless solar system, in a pointless galaxy, in a pointless universe, etc if it goes on any more macro.