I’m sorry I can’t save you. I’m sorry I’m not smart enough. Not great enough. Not rich enough.

I’m sorry for being stupid enough to keep fighting a dying battle.

But you are my reason, and I’m sorry I keep holding on to that reason. I’m sorry I cannot forget you.

I’m sorry I couldnt save you.

So I have never blogged before but I figured it might help to get some of this stuff off my chest.

Where to begin???? Well currently I am going through a divorce from the mother of my 2 youngest children and I have no one to blame but myself.

I love her so much but have hurt her over and over again throughout the last 6 years. I have been unfaithful more times than I can count and I deserve for her to leave me. I would have left me a long time ago. She is the most beautiful, patient and forgiving woman ever. She is the […]

I keep slipping further and further down, this life is a bottomless pit. I’ve sold almost everything I’ve owned, my house (freely rented since I became homeless) is a state, I look like shit, I can’t sleep, communicate or learn, and I’m too depressed to do anything about to care for those things. I’ve been racking my a brains trying to find some way of making money, looking into things I shouldn’t but I’m too stupid to even make money illegally. It’s all patched up or too complicated. I’m clinging on for dear life but I’m already dead. I can’t accept it, I’ve always had […]

A comparison

Have you ever read what it is like to fall in to a black hole? That’s what depression feels like. You’re slowly moving towards the end, regardless of how hard you struggle you can not escape. Time slows down for you while the world seems to move on faster without you. You can only see the things that came in with you, your problems and vices, all floating next to you as you fall in to a singularity of your own misery. And to an onlooker, you will never actually disappear. Only get closer and closer to the end, but in reality, you’ve […]

Well. Let’s face the facts babe.

you’re dead . cold.

softly floating in your blood. your eyes popped out of your skull like they were trying to reach out and strangle me.

and i finanlly undrerstood what had happened. i was not shaken.

i completely regognized the act of brutal savagery that was before my own eyes.

it did not strike fear into my heart.

only regret.the sting of regret that you didnt die slower.

that broke my heart. if i had one.

I thought I was just depressed because I wasn’t active enough, so recently I’ve been hanging out with old friends and I got a job and started working out but even though I’ve made all of these steps I still feel depressed and suicidal almost every day. I still want to end this pain that I can’t find the source of and still want to shoot my stupid face.

I fucking thought that I could be helped and that I could find the solace I’m looking for but, no matter how many people I can bond with, no matter how many girls I aimlessly flirt with, […]

My parents don’t know im suicidal and ive been thinking about it more and more…Today i went out with my bestfriend whom they both trust. We went to a bonfire. Left. He got lost and when we got back to town we grabbed some food but the chef was gone and our food took forever. Basic basically i came home 30 minutes late and they start snapping on me. Talkimg about respect. I seriously hate them, they compare me to my brother who lies to them all the time and does a lot of drugs. But they don’t know that and flip on me for […]

I was able to hang out with a friend, more like sister, that I haven’t seen in what seems like forever. In reality, it was a few months but to us, it felt like lifetimes. We used to see each other every day. She is my sorority sister and we were colleagues. She left the job that we shared because of mistreatment so we didn’t get to see each other every day. Well, we both knew how difficult the job is so we would take turns doing something every week for each other. It helped keep our sanity and our depression in check. Well, she […]

I know its wrong to want to hurt someone… But why do I feel so strongly about it? Every time I hear SHE’s with the man I love (my ex)…. I want nothing but to rip her eyes out and slice her throat…. I don’t know whats wrong with me…. I’ve never wanted to hurt someone up until now…

Okay, so I’ve had writers block for awhile and I’m having a tough time getting back into writing songs. Do you guys have any suggestions of what I could do, or even give me topics/idea’s I could write about? Trying to get suicide off my mind…

Hey guys.

I made a new video and guess what? I hate it. You know why? Because the person I made it for didn’t even appreciate it.

I don’t even know any more.

I’m losing happiness. I thought I got out of the tunnel. I just… don’t know any more. I don’t want to deal with any more pain. But I also don’t want to die. But, it seems as if the only way to not feel pain any more is to die. Why must God or whatever put me in such a position? I have died once, and I don’t plan to die a second time. But […]

A year ago today I tried an Amitriptyline cocktail. I meant business, i had a few days set aside so nobody would miss or bother me, left extra food for my pets, my notes to everyone, and what to do with all my stuff and things I wanted to donate.

I had all the ingredients and quantities needed because my psychiatrist was treating me like a guinea pig and always sent me home with goodie bags of serious meds to try. I have never been sicker than that time period switching between meds so rapidly I couldn’t function and could barely find my way home at […]

nope,never,maybe? I’m pretty sure not. I’m going to hell, What a nightmare existence has turned out to be.

…When someone posts and they never post again. I’m left wondering, “are they still here?” Everyone here seems like intelligent human beings with so much on their minds, to even think that one of them is no longer here is heartbreaking. Did they get what they want? Was it painless? We never really know do we? I’m not really religious or superstitious but I hope you guys are alright. Know that there’s someone out there who cares. Please stay safe, everyone.

The thing is, im the kind of person people wanted to hang out with because they think im funny, cool and popular and because i always get straight A’s. It has always been like that. Like i dont even ask for anyone but they all try to sit with me at lunch or inside the class. They laugh at my jokes, they invite me to places and i thought wow, i didnt ask for this kind of attention but it’s all happening. That was my story. For 10 years i had that. And then i found out they were all just using me to be […]

Why do you think you are not a computer program running in another planet?

I once had a life, a real home. I lost everything after becoming a whistleblower. I live in poverty but these so called whistleblower groups just used me for them to get money. I was down to one car, have fibromyalgia and my mom committed suicicide a while back. I was in a car wreck a couple of weeks ago. No, not a penny to my name, have tried every medication there is for depression, in great pain I really wish I had died in that car wreck and I want to die now. I have a 9 mm gun and when grandkids leave I […]

My life is on a steady decline.

I’ve had depression and anxiety all of my life, along with being fairly intelligent with an above-average aptitude for lateral thinking. I could always enthrall myself with studying random areas of science or mathematics for the sheer pleasure of learning, and I followed through with most everything that I was trying to learn. I had motivation and optimism for my future as I progressed through high school as a relatively happy (sort of) and healthy teenager.

Then came the turn. My girlfriend and I went to separate colleges. The long-distance relationship couldn’t last, and she ended it. I ended up […]

Its 2 weeks after my 2nd suicide attempt i found the deepest artery in the middle of my arm it was like an inch or 2 deep and an artery below your thumb. also took 20 d10s to thin my blood. my gf called an ambulance i sent her a text apologising for my selfishness also wrote a suicide note i thought id be dead b4 she read the text it takes lonher than you think. Was kapt in an psychiatric hospital until i was seen by a pysycyatrist they siad im bi polar and split personality disorder i signed myself out have been put […]

I find myself crying. It seems to be the only thing I’m constant and good at lately. I find myself bursting into tears moment after moment. I try to hold on to those moments of clarity when my energy shifts and my ideals and desires seem so clear. But I can’t, this wave of pain seems to catch me over and over again and no matter how hard I paddle it strikes and submerge me into it’s darks waters.

I feel lost, confused and covered by this dark shadow that rarely allows light to come in.  I tried once to commit suicide, in a moment of […]