I did the thing I said I’d do once I moved out. I singed up for a dating app. I hated every minute of it. I don’t talk to people. I like being by myself. Sort of. I do feel lonely, bit I’ve kinda gotten used to it. Just avoid people and you don’t feel like that.

The process was confusing and painful. It don’t like taking pictures. I don’t even like looking in the mirror. But I needed pics. I don’t like talking about myself, but I needed something to put on there. […]

How to, how do you make peace with life?

what are you supposed to do when you know that death is your only option?

i feel the answer is obvious, yet something inside me refuses to believe it. i know that its mainly fear, of the action and of the unknowable consequences. i think i care too much. a lot of times, i wish that i could care less so that it may be easier to go through with it.
i believe i genuinely have nothing going for me. i am an academic failure. i lose jobs after half a year maximum. i now feel like i cant commit to finding a new […]

I’m exhausted. I’m always hurting. I dont think I can do this much longer.

This world is too serious for me

The title. I finished watching the training videos yesterday. The only way I can continue is to get an email for more training. My email isn’t set up. The only one who can set it up is my manager. But my manager isn’t the section manager. It isn’t the department manager. It is the regional manager. For some reason. Someone who isn’t even working at our plant. The other managers contacted him to set up a ticket which he did. And they sent in their own ticket. It still isn’t done. I’m […]

How to accept loneliness and boredom as normal

Day 2 is done. I’ve only had this job two days and both felt like a thousand years. To be fair it’s because I’ve done nothing but watch training videos. Stuff I really should retain, but I can’t be bothered to memorize all the different labels and permits and procedures. We don’t have a roof crane. Why do I need to know how to operate a roof crane? But it’s my job to know these things. In order to excel at my job I need to memorize how to lock out a conveyor belt and the safety measures […]

I think I’m destined for abuse and to be hurt by others. My parents made sure how much they hated me and wanted me to fail. When they kicked me out, I thought my friend – turned boyfriend – would lead me to a softer life. I guess it was the naive of youth that would think a 21 year old man I met on the internet would genuinely love me. After the teenage pregnancies and subsequent abortions and supporting him financially for years, I decided to return to education. I discovered how twisted he is compared to the people on campus. Maybe I always […]

Do you have a diagnosis? If so, what is it/are they?

It’s sad when I let myself think about it. I know it’s my fault. People leave me a lot, some in kinder ways than others. Friends that just started ignoring me, my best friend of four years who spilled part of a really important secret that I would have killed myself over had I not been able to convince my parents otherwise. But I push people away too. Honestly, it’s probably better for them that way. I don’t want to be more of a burden, and I always seem to end up hurting people. I know I don’t deserve friends, but it still hurts. I […]

That can seize one in the evening, the evening edging towards night. When one remembers the horror  of saying something really stupid, ridiculously fucking stupid ,cringe worthy fucking stupid , earlier in the day. I’ve said and done ridiculous things. The fucking worst being an episode of weeping. Public weeping. I had to stand in front of the class at the age of 8 I can’t remember what exactly for it was something like you had make up something in front of the class, entertain the class or something and I started crying, in front of a class of 24 other boys and  the teacher. […]

Some people are fake. Some people are almost programmed to be in a certain way and do only certain things, they can’t get out of their limited ways and it sucks. I am genuine and free but I don’t know what to do. Maybe people have to be prisoners and similar to animals because this might be the default mode on this planet. Maybe the things I desire are not possible right now.

I start my job tomorrow. Lined up at the exact start of the month. So my 6 month contract is over as soon as it rolls over to June. Didn’t do much this weekend. Bought groceries and played magic at a card shop. I don’t think I’m nervous. Not about the job exactly. I am nervous that I’ll fail at even this. So I guess I am nervous in a way. If I fail at this, that’s it. I have to kill myself at that point. This is the lowest level that is somewhat […]

I asked google AI if there are any great philosophers who fully embrace optimism and it insisted yes. But it listed names who are absolutely NOT optimistic. The dumbass thing tried to tell me Nietszche was an optimist. I’m sure it’s just programmed to act all chipper on the subject of suicide due to all the lawsuits when it tells the truth.

At any rate, I’m looking to read any philosophical book (fiction preferred) that you think encapsulates existence. Bonus points if it isn’t bleak as hell. But if any philosophical work speaks to you, or helps you in any way, suggest it here.

My 2 go-tos […]

I thought I would be the type of person who would leave if a situation got toxic.

I was wrong.

My therapist told me that when i feel like I’m slipping i need to write 5 things that I’m thankful for for that day. So here it is:

1. I’m so thankful for my sobriety. I’m thankful that no matter what I’m going through i never have to judge the severity of it with the type of liquor i buy. Thankful to never drunk drive again. I’m thankful that I never have to disappoint my parents by turning up to the family function acting a fool because I’m drunk and they don’t know it. Thankful that I don’t have it rely on being drunk to be […]

Complicated is a good word for my family dynamic. I’m the middle child, with an older brother and a younger sister. Despite being the golden child, my sister isn’t so bad. My brother on the other hand, is. There’s too many incidents to list them all, but I’ll name a few:

when my sister and I were younger, he would stick needles into nerf gun bullets and threaten us with them. He threw a fork at me that ended up hitting me in the eye. (luckily, I only got a mild scratch and can still see) He’s beaten me with a chair. He’s tried to kill […]

Moved into my place yesterday. Didn’t realize it was in the backyard of some older couple’s house. It’s out in the boonies. Same with the warehouse I’m working at. Honestly it’s the perfect size for me. One room with a small kitchen and a tiny bathroom. I never needed a lot. One thing that I don’t like is that it’s on the second floor and the stairs are right there by the room. No door separating them. I always feel like I’m going to trip and fall. Break my neck. Can’t afford to get […]

I wish I could disappear so badly. I’m destroying myself, but I can’t stop, and I want to die more than anything else. I’m drowning in everything I have to do. I have an essay to write, two projects to do, four songs to learn for honors orchestra, science olympiad, theater, Girl Scouts, horseback riding, a million animal or regular chores, and violin lessons. On top of that, my father keeps nagging me about applications, but I don’t want to live long enough to get to high school anymore. The deadlines and the walls are closing in. I’ve acted strong for years, but I can’t […]