Please someone, Anyone….Help me….I wanna die so badly right now, and i have no one to talk to…Please… Just Please….Talk to me…Don’t leave me alone….I don’t wanna be alone anymore…

 I watched both of the Kill Bill movies today (for the 14th time). Pai Mei is my favorite character from the series. I wonder if I could train under someone like him. How does one even go about finding an authentic Pai Mei? Would I need to infiltrate an international assassin network  first?

This actor is named Gordon Liu. He was also the leader of the Crazy 88’s – (the pack of swordsmen who try to kill Beatrix Kiddo at O-ren Ishii’s compound). Mr. Liu suffered a stroke in 2011 which left him partially paralyzed on his right side, and he’s got a […]

“Life is what happens while you’re busy trying to fix RSI.” (repetitive strain injury) [this is actually paraphrased]

Now substitute “RSI” with whatever you haven’t been able to fix or change, regardless of who is at fault or to blame. It could be paralysis or disease or heartbreak, or even chronically reduced self-esteem, due to an abusive childhood, or even just “bullying.” It could even be that you simply realized that humanity seems to embrace and prioritize the most absurd things and notions, and even decides to mandate injustice and tyranny into “law.”

To simplify:

“Life is what happens while we’re busy trying to fix what went wrong […]

The song reflects my thoughts about being sent to another dimension – afterlife. Travelling through the vastness of an endless space with nothing but honor in disguise beside me.

Even this late it happens:
the coming of love, the coming of light.
You wake and the candles are lit as if by themselves,
stars gather, dreams pour into your pillows,
sending up warm bouquets of air.
Even this late the bones of the body shine
and tomorrows dust flares into breath.

I tried overdosing about 2 weeks ago ended up at the mental hospital. My mental diagnosis was changed as well as my medications.  I felt so much better leaving there after the medication change. But long story short no one wants me around anymore I am all alone. I finally found an article that said I would be labeled for life and they are right so once you try most likely you will need to find a more sucessful way to commit suicide because you life will be worse after your attempt.

It always comes back. All my life, the depression always comes back. I can pull myself out through sheer will power, and I’ll be fine for a week or two, and I think ‘I can do this, all I have to do is not think’.

Then one day I remember what a shit bag I am. How useless, fat, ugly and completely disposeable I am. How broken I am. Someone esle could do my job so much better. So I think, what if I just step aside? What if I just take myeslf out of the picture, so someone else can step up to the plate?

Some […]

I must sound like a fucked up crazy clown. My torment, so unnatural.

Stuck here behind my labyrinth.

The guitar sounds heavy. Never reaching the melody.

For if it ever does, here, in our circus.

Why is it that you fall. Why is it that I fall.

Lost, killing to each other.

If you can add to the song, what would you even say.

It seems that our hearts have all slipped away.

I’ve typed this all right now, right from the fight – my back is still bleeding. If you’ll only like to hear about the hostility, read (FIGHT) below, but I provide backstory. I ramble on at times seemingly about irrelevant things, but only because I want to cover all bounds.

I’m posting this on Reddit as well.

This is not a joke. I am being completely serious

My brother is mentally ill (not in the obvious way, you’ll have to observe his behavior over a few months to realize). He used to be a division I football athlete but failed in his endeavors to go to the NFL […]

Though no one that knows me will ever see this, I felt it necessary to write these last words. I don’t know why.

Tonight, it will end. Thirty-one years was too long to stay alive. My mother should have aborted me instead of abandoning me at the hospital. I wish I hadn’t thrown up the pills when I was ten. I wish the gun hadn’t misfired when I was fourteen. I wish I would’ve jumped off the bridge on my eighteenth birthday, instead of losing courage. I was told to hold on and be strong as a child. As a teenager, I was told my twenties […]

cut lip, swollen jaw and eye. dysfunctional families can be fun too

I hate the moment when a decision becomes a regret.

I kept telling myself that everything would work out.  But there comes a point where you can’t lie to yourself anymore. I feel like I’ve dug myself a hole that’s too deep. All the little things that I tried to overlook are surfacing. I can’t reason with myself anymore, I can only see the negative.

It’s suffocating.

Hello everyone,

heres my story. I’m bipolar but more so depressed with a side of pathological lying. I’m afraid of what the future may hold for me. I’m 26 unemployed, living at my parents house. I can’t afford to go see my counsoler and psychiatrist. I don’t have a penny in my name. I’m afraid to leave my parents house at some times. My girlfriend left me and good thing to. I did end up going crazy and tried offing myself. I sent my ass right to the psych ward and got out in four days. I’m scared that if my life continues the way that […]

Consciousness, the cruel joke played on us all by the universe. When I catch my reflection all I see is a talking ape that knows of its mortality and the meaningless of being. Death is the punch line and often I feel the joke is dragging on and leaving me wishing to just get there already.

Sorry for my spelling

** I am awake all night, depressed, derik beating me down all night, with nothing to hold onto, and I pick up my phone, wondering where my friend Jessica has been recently because I hadent seen her in about a year, when a missing persons list shows up. I do some research, look through all of the Info and it really is her… One of my closest friends missing. Her mother was discovered with a meth lab in her basement, and Jessica did’t want to go to foster care. I guess she left her phone packed her bags and left. She dose […]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MsS4EqP3bG4&index=7&list=PL_lfsNREdSwx5eGkEOsFse8sWdjwSUi-K

If this ain´t getting your socks flying then I don´t what will. 🙂

Lost all hope, lost all light.
Tired of living, lets end this fight.
I gather myself for my last stride,
I have no regrets, my sweet suicide.

I fucking hate you

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vVQQbOZsR_0

and any other positive feelings. Not because I dislike positive emotions, but because I know they will not last long. And once they are over, you’re off even worse than before. It’s like life is constantly trying to show me how happy I could be only to smash all these hopes on the next occasion. I know the same thing is used in sleep deprivation where they let a subject get close to falling asleep only to wake him up with a slap in the face. It’s torture and forbidden with good reason.

My brain is naive enough to fall for the trick every single time. […]

Don’t know how much longer I can keep deluding myself. So long as I don’t think of my life – or rather lack there of – I just keep on existing, surfing through web, looking at completely inane stuff… Sometimes I read something or see something and though it has nothing to do with me and at times isn’t even all that sad I’ll feel tears welling up in my eyes. Then I’ll find a way to distract myself and pretend all is fine with me again. (Even though every moment I’m awake I know it’s not – I know I’m not alright)

Then my parents […]