Breaking point

I really should be studying for my history exam but I can’t seem to stop thinking about suicide. I don’t know what to do ,I’ve been like this for so long. I’m scared of my own mind , I’m afraid of what I’m capable of. I’m only 14 by the way. I just feel horrible about myself , I try so hard in everything I do but it’s always not enough for some people. I push everyone away from me I’m so isolated in my own little world. School gets out Friday . I guess I made it through my freshmen year. I wasn’t at school to often because of being in psych hospital but sometimes I feel like I’m getting better and other times I feel like I’m getting so much worse. My thought process changes every 5 seconds. I’m just generally confused. I’ve had very many suicide attempts and almost deaths. My thought process is too deranged for my peers and family to handle. I guess I’m just at my breaking point.