The darkness consumes me
Like an infection to an open wound:
I was never treated,I was never healed.
Scabbing up and bleeding again,
When will it stop, when will it end?
Darkness brings what daylight fears,
The contagious sorrow that I’ve felt for years.
The cries for help, but no one hears.
The lies of smiles, when really I’m in tears.
This terrible free fall I’m in right now:
I’m scared of hitting the ground, but know I never will.
“Just be strong, I need you now” he said..
But where was I?
And why must he be dead..
I don’t understand, I just don’t […]

31 years and still nothing but wasted potential.  A jack of all trades and a master of none.   Still no purpose no sense of worth, a burden at best. The worst kind of person there is a liar, a thief, a disappointment, a complete fucking waste of life and space.  A coward with the face of a bull the mouth of a lion and the bite of a tiger,  for loved ones only of course.  Who else exists my world is a small one.  Ruled by vices, hopeless, hopeless, hopegone.

I am a waste…

This has got to stop… the constant depression, self doubt, pain… I don’t know anything beyond pain now, to the point where I wanna cause myself more pain because I just want to hurt as much as possible… I don’t mean a thing in anyone’s life… I can’t do anything for anyone… why am I even here…

“But you don’t know what it’s like to wake up in the middle of the night, scared with the thought of kissing razors”

~Pierce the Veil

All I want is to end it all. To simply not be. My whole life I’ve been given everything you could ever want, but I was never happy. No one understands it’s always the same thing: why? That’s so selfish. You’re life is so perfect, you have no reason to be depressed. Things can seem so different from the outside than they do from the center of the battlefield. My mind is constantly racing I never sleep I never get a break from my thoughts. I have been sad and angry for so many years with little bits of happiness yet every time it’s ripped […]

i feel like giving  up

i try to write down how i feel but somehow the page stayed blank

and i couldnt have described it any better

i sat in my room and i asked myself if this is how the stars feel when the sky swallows them whole.

my eyes go heavy and i willingly closed them hoping i would never have to open them again…

-deathly_paradise

Rip, Johnny. Back when Toonami.
In this world, where does a dying stranger go to.
A crew of true camaraderie. Walking in the beat of life, and death.
Don’t forsaken nobody the sound of the ukulele.
Crew, where are you. I need you today.

Now. I need you now. The time when the world reverses.
Back. The hourglass to zero. Now you can walk to the steps of infinity.
Every hit. Every line. Every breath. Praying for my life, to you.
Every day it gets harder. Stuck, the purple muk and weezing.
Will I ever live, forever the steps of doom.

Got to bust a ductrio. Kobra, […]

Just like my username says, there’s no hope for me. Nobody likes me not even my family, no friends, never had a relationship, afraid to go out in public, I’m a freak. Physically speaking I’m a freak. What’s the point of life if no one will ever love you because you’re a freak. They all condescend me at work, I can’ t go back to college cause I can’t handle the anxiety, there’s nothing there for me. I don’t know where to turn, I feel like I’m at the top floor of a burning building and the only two choices I have are jump now […]

Sometimes I feel like killing myself. Other times I feel like my life is perfect and nothing can ever hurt me, but that’s usually just when I’m with my boyfriend. All I know is that no matter what I feel, I always feel like cutting. I guess you could call it an addiction, but it’s kinda just my way of life now. I can’t stop, and if I’m being honest with myself, I’m not sure if I even want to. It’s like breathing to me. If my thoughts begin to overtake my mind, I cut myself and everything gets okay again. I just want to […]

I’m not gonna go out of my way to kill myself, but I wouldn’t really care if something happened to me. I don’t see why I should care. No one else will. So it wouldn’t really matter.

” If I were you, I’d put that away. See you’re just wasted and thinking bout the most again. Darling you’ll be ok. And she said…”

” If you were me, you’d do the same, yeah! ‘Cause I can’t take anymore, I’ll draw the shades and close the door. I’m not alright and I would rather…”

~Pierce the Veil

feeling really sad and weepy today. why exactly i don’t know. went to see the shrink today. it is time to change meds again. going to try ( if insurance co lets me) viibrid. read some reviews about it. like everything else it is a savior for some and horrible for  others. they all mentioned weight gain as a side effect. great. already  feeling and looking bovinian as it is. having lots of trouble with my sense of taste. lots of things don’t taste good anymore, or after a few bites there is no taste at all. perhaps it is time to go back to […]

The sun and the trees have life,
The people walking by infectious of there media ridden minds have life..
The sheep of the masses
Do they deserve to be slaughtered due to ignorance?
Or should they be applauded for enjoying life?
These decisions have not been left to me nor do I want to make this choice.
The only choice I want is to end my pain and suffering
A lifetime of addiction and hurting others is all I’ve managed.
I am the American Psycho watching others pass by; testing the boundaries of reality.. what if I fell off this bridge onto these cars?
What […]

ive been madly inlove with this boy for over a year now, we dated for 9 months, before i ruined everything. my parents were fighting so bad and it just seemed that since i thought they hated me, i thought everyone else did to, including my boyfriend at the time. it was summer, i would wear jumpers constantly. n one knew about my self harming, no one knew about the drug use. i hid it so well over a period of 9 months. my problems got so […]

Remember when you were a kid and you did something you knew was going to earn you a trip to the woodshed? A lot of us kids when I was growing up had a place the old man would drag us to give us the “board” that was far enough out of the way that the whacks and screams wouldn’t make it back to your mother’s ears. That way the old man wouldn’t have to deal with her bitching about being to hard on you or risk getting the “It so upsets me when you do that” speech from her. It’s that feeling of impending […]

Tonight I plan on driving with no destination in sight. I have no idea where I will be going or what direction I will be driving. I can no longer live in this house. The pressure is to great. I hope that I will be reunited with the ones that love me and the ones that I love.

Some days i no longer want to try I no longer want to stress, some days I no longer want to move. I also know that I don’t want to leave this world early but the days that I don’t are few and far between. The thought of […]

A switch.
That’s how I’d describe my mentality.
During the day I’m this bubbly ignorant person who brushes everything off of her shoulders. Smiling all the time. I’m not even sure if the smiles are real or polite. Anyways, that’s how I am during the day. But at night? It’s a complete flip. The opposite of my “Day” self. Like a switch. It’s as if your lights turn on and the deepest darkest corners of my mind come to light. And when the artifcial light goes out, those thoughts do too. I don’t know.

“I kissed the scars on her skin.
I still think you’re beautiful, and I don’t ever wanna lose my best friend.
I screamed out,”God, you vulture, bring her back or take me with her!”

~Pierce the Veil

Come on in!
Have a seat, i hope you like the people you’re about to meet.
First we have this girl, you see is kinda a geek.
This girl likes to read, she’s not out-going but she isn’t meek.

Then we have another girl, tall and proud she stands.
Guess again, she’s scared that people find the secret she hides.
She prays no one knows.

We now have a broken one, some of you may know-
This girl’s soul is so blacken and cold.
She doesn’t care that you’re even there.
She doesn’t want someone to hold, she just wants it all to end.

Scaredy cat girl, afraid […]

This song was written by a talented singer and song-writer after he lost his wife to suicide. I think it’s worth a listen. It tells the story of pain, relapses, and finding the ultimate happiness that everyone yearns for. The struggles you all are dealing with now will make you stronger, wiser people. Happiness will come with patience. Stick around and give it a chance.

“Life Ain’t Always Beautiful” by Gary Allan