For anyone interested, I had my first ECT session today. I won’t be posting the link again so I don’t annoy people, so if you would like to stay updated on the progress, check back often or just subscribe. I will be having 5 more treatments… Monday, Wed, Fri, Mon, Wed.

Suicide had become so tough now a days.

In future we may come to situation where it is almost impossible for an average person to suicide successfully.

I really feel ashamed for saying I was about to commit suicide in previous posts, I mean, I found Suicide Project about one year ago and at that time I was more caught in despair rather than feeling really really suicidal, probably the you guys don’t even remember me (I’m just one of the thousand unhappy wretcheds), but if you did you’d say I was just trying to get somebody’s attention by saying I was gonna push a knife into my belly (what just ended up in tears).Of course, I’m going to kill myself, I didn’t change my mind but you more than anyone know […]

I cant stop crying… my life my relationships have all gone to shit. I havent felt this alone in a while… i feel trapped, used, unwanted and really hurt. I need to get out of here out of this situation out of these toxic relationships… birthdays in 3 days… happy birthday to me.

i thought you would be there for me
you promised me that you would
but now you broke that promise
and you may have broken me
but do i let you know about my shattered heart
about the tears running down my face
about the urge to cut because i need you
do i let you know about the sadness dwelling inside of me
of course not because that would break you
and if i broke you i would be indirectly breaking myself
its sad how i know that you dont need me
as much as i need you in my life
but yet i […]

“I loved you. I still do.” Tears run down her face and drop from her cheeks. She looks at the lifeless body, the closed eyes and takes one hand, as she used to. It feels cold and limp. “Do you remember as a child, when you came running towards me, jumped on my lap and gave me long hugs whenever I wasn’t feeling well? Now, when I need you the most, you are not even here to hold my hands.” Her voice was weak and she stuttered, but she knew he could hear her. It was then when she noticed how peaceful he looked, as […]

My mom always says she loves. I can beleive that but I dont beleive is that she wants. Neither does my dad, my stepfather, or anyone who says the love me. I just cant take it any more. My mom always sides with my sister. Just because she cant get over any thing I’ve done. She is part of the reason I feel so horrible about my life. Because she thinks that making me feel bad will make my sister feel better.

I didn’t think I’d end up posting on this site again…   I’m the type of person who takes everything someone says seriously, even if its someone I don’t know I take what they say to heart.  I’m not going to go into too much detail about what started this but I’ll say enough to explain what I’m doing.  I’ll admit my last post was…  well not something you’d expect to find on here but what can I tell you?  I’m an emotional person and I was panicking, I needed a way to let all of my feelings out.  Which is sort of how I […]

my dad and i got in a fight last night about my Spanish grade. i told him keeping my grades up is hard because i get stressed. he yelled at me for having a low tolerance for stress. he said to me back when i was a kid i can handle all you go through and more. but he never had to go through what i do. feeling worthless and stressed all the time, being picked on for being different, getting yelled at every night by a drunken asshole because he wants me to feel bad about myself. i used to like myself when i […]

Who said that love was fire?
I know that love is ash.
It is the thing which remains
When the fire is spent,
The holy essence of experience

Memoirs of Suicide

June 19th  2013. That was the day I tried to kill myself. Yeah. Not what you’d expect from a nice girl, right? It’s hard understanding what drives someone to want to kill themselves unless you’ve been there, but I’ll try to explain it as best I can.

It’s like you’re a speed above or below everyone else, you can see them but they’re moving too slow or too fast for you to catch up. I was with people but I was always alone. It’s like I was in a bed in a really deep ditch and I had to try and crawl out of […]

i hope no one would judge me here .
i am just a teen ., 15-16 ..but i have done horrible things . i had round about 6-7 ex boyfriends & more reltns in which i stayed with just 2-3 days but all these relationships were on fb or phn , no physical contact , i was a kid and i was immature and i hate myslf for wt i had done , i regret it evry single day , i feel so sad that i can’t face myslf . i was immature , but my reputation now is totally ruined , beside my exs […]

Next month it will be a year that she left my side. She didn’t give me life, but filled me with life. If Nate would have just let me be i would be with her.

Loss is such a painful part of life. I still don’t understand why the people i need in my life are taken from me in such horrid ways. My daughter would be getting her license this year. I can’t believe i only had eight days with her, but i wouldn’t change those days for anything in the world.

I suppose i am lucky that i have turned all my pain into a […]

I do not know why it is that I deteriorated so quickly. It just happened. It’s just happening. Taking it day by day was supposed to help, and for a brief while there, I went without thinking about ending life. By brief while, I mean one day. That’s a start. I do not know whether or not it will be enough to save me. I keep going to back to what the real solution is, but for some reason I refuse to oblige. I refuse to save myself, and it is honestly incredibly stupid. I do not know why I do not want myself to […]

Goodbye everyone. Wish me Luck.

I can’t think straight. This won’t be long. I’m abused, and while typing my hands are shaking. I don’t know where my life will go. My parents will arrive from their works later and my mini hell will begin. I need someone but I always find none. I don’t know where to go. They’re slowly killing me. Help. Help. Fuck. Damn. Darn. Help.

I never thought I would end up on someplace like this. I never wanted to die before. But my life changed, and I did nothing to deserve any of it. I spend my while day asking, “Why me? What did I do?” My brother killed himself in front of me. And I loved him. He was my world I always looked up to him, but after a night of partying I guess he decided he couldn’t take it. And just like that, he was gone. I don’t want to live without him.

That was a year ago.

I thought I would get happy but I’m not. What’s […]

Hey everyone. I mentioned a while ago that I was going to start ECT (electroconvulsive therapy) for my depression. I’m starting tomorrow and keeping a video blog of my experience. I just uploaded my first video (Before ECT). I will post videos as the treatment progresses. Here is the address to the link. If you ever have any questions, post them on the youtube channel comment section and ask.

Whitney

What’s the best thing in the world?
June-rose, by May-dew impearled;
Sweet south-wind, that means no rain;
Truth, not cruel to a friend;
Pleasure, not in haste to end;
Beauty, not self-decked and curled
Till its pride is over-plain;
Love, when, so, you’re loved again.
What’s the best thing in the world?
–Something out of it, I think.

people say that writing about how upset i am would help. but it doesn’t help because my dad finds my journal and reads them. i haven’t written down my feelings in over 3 years.  i want to write my feelings down. i want help. but my dad just tells me to suck it up. that i’m not really depressed. people say to ask for help. but whats the point of asking for help if nobody listens no matter how loud you are? i have attempted suicide twice. i had to go to the hospital one time. my parents were crying like they actually cared and […]