I have difficulties expressing myself through writing. so I’m just gonna do it like this.
– I panic inside my body cause I feel claustrophobic. My body aches all the time and I have a constant headache and chest ache.
= I. just. want. out.
– I have no interest in a future what so ever. I don’t want to study, meet new people or get married and have kids. I have not had a moment in years and years that I could feel happiness and joy.
– I am not interested in anything. No hobbies that can take my away from the pain just for a little while or something to look forward to. (yada yada it’s up to me I know, but no energy)
– I had a close friend. But she found another girl to hang out with. First we were three together, but the “new girl” hates me and never invites me to anything anymore. I guess I valued her more than she did me. The story of my life.
– I have a job. I’m a waitress of 2 years now. I work with teenagers that are fucking impossible and talks shit about me all the time. I tried to get social benefits and quit so I could at lest breathe a bit and be relieved it’s over. But I have “too much money” on my account so I can not get any financial support until I’m broke. Everything I worked for to save a little is then gone…
– I am obsessed with destroying things I like. I can’t have anything nice or buy something I want.
– I am constantly thinking of killing myself, of course. But I built up a rock hard facade and my parents would probably die of an heart attack. They think I’m a super strong girl that can take care of herself. And no, I am not telling anyone…
– I am a minority in my country and don’t speak the same language and people make fun of me because of that. Even though I am born here I never had the guts to learn it. I feel left out in my country and I feel like cancer of the society.
– Summer is the most difficult time for me. I have a lot of work. not many days off and seeing all smiley happy people makes me more anxious because I feel like I’m missing out when I’m sad all the time. The heat makes my body ache even more. And it has only started….
– I’m extremely ashamed of myself. I blush all the time when I talk. And sometimes people makes comments about that and I get tears in my eyes. Needless to say no one is inviting me anywhere anymore? A few years a go an aquaintance lived abroad, and she convinced me to come see her. I payed a rediculous ammount of money to fly to the other side of the globe. When I got there I got a severe panic attack and cried a whole evening. She told me she’s ashamed of me and to stop. She rather spent the time with her flings and her cool roommates and went drinking. Now I realize she probably only wanted to write on Facebook that “a friend loves me so much and I’m so popular that she is going to come here and see ME!!” I have never felt more suicidal and fooled. She has barely spoken to me after that.
2 comments
Wow..thanks for writing. You write well. No problem understanding what you’re saying and I hear you. I wish I had a magic antidote for what ails your life, but all I can do is say that I’m sorry for your problems and I wish you well, hope you find some peace along the way. Hope you find some happiness here and there.
You aren’t alone, but I know that won’t help much, because I’m in a similar situation, and it doesn’t matter when I wake up in the morning whether I’m alone or not.
I gave up pretty much everything a few years ago and moved to another country because I was 100% certain that I would be happy at last and, well, things didn’t go as planned. I don’t speak the language very well, I have a job but it’s not very secure, and most days I can barely force myself to smile and get through. And I’m not very happy at all (obviously!)
So basically, there’s nothing for me back ‘home’ and not much of a future here either in my new ‘home.’ I know there are people in far worse conditions than I am in — I see them every day in the streets. But that doesn’t make me feel better, and often makes me feel worse.
I hope things get better for you though…..sometimes knowing that your problems are not unique gives you a place to start thinking of other options, besides the final one.