Why can things be so right…. But so wrong?

Hello, well I don’t really know what a forum is, or how to use it, but I guess i’ll just share my story and maybe someone can help.  I am a 19 year old guy from California. 9 years ago I stared getting bullied. I was already a loner, so I guess it made me more lonely. I always thought that was fine though. This was before social media though, which just added to my depression. When I used to sit at home alone, I thought everyone did. Later I found out that people actually do fun stuff with these things called “friends”. Well I’ve come a long in the last 9 years. I lost weight, I made friends, even had a couple relationships (nothing serious). I finally hit puberty, hard, and really turned into a man. Things seem to be going up, and up for me, but mentally I feel like i’m going down. I don’t trust my friends, they feel fake. I’ve lost over 50 lbs, but i’m still not skinny. I’ve had several non serious relationships. I guess I just feel like nothing is getting better, even though they are. Last year my grandmother passed away. She was like my therapist in a way. That’s when my depression really sunk in. Especially since she passed away 4 months before I was supposed to graduate High School, which I didn’t because my grandma, grandpa, and great grandpa passed away between March and July. So I missed tons of school.  I’m a really intelligent person. I understand that there are people with much harder lives then mine. I lost my grandma, but my friend lost her mom. Yet she seems so much more well put together than I am. I don’t want to give up on life just because of the uncertainty that the future holds. What if in 5 years I stumbled upon a multi-million dollar idea, and cash in on it. It’s all about the what if’s. But i’m also tired of wondering, waiting, for something that could be a complete bust. What if in 5 years, after college I get my degree, i’m in debt, and I can’t find a job and I eventually have to move back in with my parents. That is not a life worth living for in MY eyes.

I guess I look at it like this : If I know that there is death at the end of the path, why would I take the long, treacherous, depressing, lonely path when I can just accept death now. I have no good answer to this question, and that’s why it’s getting harder and harder to tell myself not to.