So far my day is okay. Hope all of yours is too. Hoping it stays that way. My mood likes to fluctuate whenever it sees fit so I’m just going to listen to some mellow music and maybe daydream of something nice…like walking the beach with a future soul mate or laying in the woods listening to the birds. Also, random I know, but my backyard smells awesome because I just cut the grass yesterday and I love the smell of fresh cut grass.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y5P7tD15whU

So….I have never really added my own post, so I am a bit nervous about the response…thus bare with me! I am currently off to work…another morning and day of survival! Over the past 10-12 years I have been struggling and suffering with depression, borderline and suicidality. I have been in intensive therapy programs and have a therapist who is amazing, yet I have been still feeling a bit off and at times hopeless. Everyone is so supportive on this blog and it’d be great to meet or chat with someone living in the same area of Massachusetts, who has been struggling with the same […]

I’ve  always know that I’m not destined to be here, As  long as I can remembered  I’ve not fitted In school,college,work,peers and family. I don’t feel like I belong, It does not help that my life as not be the easiest off ones, no one really gets me I don’t  really blame them. Who would want to get  love or care for me I’m worthless I’m better off removing myself form this world. I’ve tried to end this endless pain on a couple off times I’ve been unlucky to be find on all off the occasions. Some would say that its not my time I […]

I have lost a wife, a son, a mother and most recently a soul mate. I’ve had severe depression for 6 years, for the last month I have done nothing but plan my exit.

I’ve had two attempts in the past, in 2009 I couldn’t step off a long drop hanging I had well researched and constructed, I just wasn’t ready to do it then. About 2 weeks ago I took an overdose of paracetamol which was unplanned and failed due to consuming a large amount of alcohol in a short space of time and vomiting undigested pills.

I have committed to ending my life but have […]

Hear, a lost sound. Here, in the world. Tell me, what do you hear.
Me, what can I say; I, blood of stigmata. A victim and a “White lighter.”
A world possessed by the black side of man’s heart.
Getting too deep. A broken horse. The abyssal reach, unreached. The world shall fall.
Our generation shall see. Sitting. Nothing matters. A dying rebel, unable to pray.
Within. A non-existing cosmic brilliancy. Oh, celestial. Why, me.
What will be the miracle on the first page. For I, am only a horse.
My name, in chain.

“Chain,” was the last word. Nothing else to cling. I was wishing, for the voice of.

I’ve figured it out. Don’t you see the truth? this life is pain. there is pain, and then there is less pain. there is no pleasure, no happiness, no laughter. each moment is either a reprieve from pain or it is pain filled to the brim. don’t you see? if there is no life, there is no pain. every single new human is brought into this life being taught the opposite, that life is sacred, or its interesting, or that it brings more good things than bad things. its complete bullshit. the only reason that we have war, famine, starvation, cholera, shit infested water, rape, […]

technically not dead, visited the site a few times, saw some people wondering… resisted the urge to reply, until now.

SP events happened to coincide with an opportunity for some KB (note: this is what my age group calls good weed; it’s short for “kind bud,” which indicates that it’s not “just schwag” or “brick weed,” but is instead, properly grown and almost always seedless); after almost 2 years of abstaining, for what had become apparently irrelevant motivations, i reached my breaking point, and really wanted some. The sample i received, turned out to be… well, i can’t say it was “the best ever,” but it […]

I want to die, tonight. But, I’m afraid that someone close would find me. I want to raid my family’s medicine cabinet and drift away in my sleep. But, I’m afraid of the person that would try to wake me up. The sad part is, that no one fully gets that something is wrong with me until it’s something turns into a disaster. But, they will be afraid that it was already too late.

life is nothing but fragments and a big ol’ production. our species obsessed with categorizing, well fuck you, i shove myself in the darkness. actually i welcome it. its nothing to fear. fear is just an illusion. everything is an illusion. our souls are the best at playing deceit. one thing I’ve learned trapped inside this hellhole of a being, that not even your own self matters. challenge everything and screw authority sideways hard from behind. tomorrow will be the death of this body i have lived in for over two and a half decades.

love is nothing.

nothing is always there.

*also this contributes to the fact […]

I’m running away from people again.
First time I didn’t have any friends. So it was ok if they didn’t talk to me since I didn’t talk to them.
This time I’ve met so many nice people, but I even catch myself saying  ‘I’m late, we’ll catch up later, right?’ and almost literally running.
I’m out of facebooks and whatsapp groups. I wait some hours or days to text someone back.
Inside, there is that famous phrase ‘help me!’ screaming in repeat. They even know I’m not fine and they want to talk, to make me feel better. So why do I run when I have […]

Hello. My name is Shawn, and I’m going to inform you all about my life from within my head. I think my life was fairly normal except for my mental state and the fact that I lived in complete filth for most of my life. My house was ankle high with trash and nobody cleaned it. Laundry was rarely done so I was a generally gross kid. I remember however I was fairly smart. At school I knew everybody and was the school clown. It was fun having people laugh at me when I would do something stupid even if they didn’t really respect me.

On […]

There is something worse than being retarded.  It’s being a retarded person who is self-aware enough to know they’re retarded.  I am retarded, and I know it.  Like Charlie Gordon in Flowers for Algernon.  Like him, I started out oblivious.  I had a vague understanding that other people were making fun of my face, my actions, my words, my clothing, and the fact that I was never coordinated or fast enough to play sports at gym class no matter how hard I tried (nor, for that matter, could I make any sense of the rules).  I became self aware very slowly, over time.  I started […]

Baby I miss you.  Why did you leave me?  There is so much I want to tell you, to talk to you about.  I need you, I dont know what to do without you.  My life is a dream now, constantly remembering the time we were together.  And you were right, the problem is me…I’m sorry baby.

I’ve already been here
I’ve lived
I said goodbye
My moments are fading
As the time passes by

My photographs are burnt
They’ve forgotten my face
My footprints have disappeared
My clothes no longer have my scent
The end

They don’t miss me anymore
Looks like I’ve never been anything
Or anyone
It’s ok

The sorrow and the pain
The glory and the shame
The dreams and the emotion
The solitude and the devotion
All my unhappiness
Everything is nothingness

please, anyone here that is even suicidal or slightly suicidal, or even not, or just needing someone to talk to, please send me an email. I want to be a friend to you and to try to offer you advice for a blessed life. I am not so old or wise, just 22, but I am pained at reading so many of these posts and I have it in me to be encouraging. I am not acting like I am some kind of suicide hotline but I know those hotlines cannot help to fill the void. please give me an opportunity to encourage you and be […]

Is death.

So why can’t I be done with it now instead of being me?  The hollow thing I am is that of a failure.  Loneliness has been my sole companion for as long as I can remember.

There’s no future for me, not even entering the rat race for the green god known as money because I am incapable of working, let alone having the enjoyment and success precious few people ever experience.

And I sit here alone piddling away the days because I can do nothing better.

Why was I not put down in the womb?  Why did the car stop before it hit me?

Why can no […]

Fuck, where do I even start? I’m 35 years old, my life actually isn’t that bad if you’re looking at it from the outside.  I mean I’ve got a decent career, a beautiful wife whom I grew up best friends with as kids, I have a wonderful teenage daughter who has turned into such a great person, I’m educated, I have a house and nice vehicles and I’m by no means rich but I’m far from poor.  So, why the fuck am I not happy?

Shit. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Here lately I seem to seek out the negativity in all situations. I […]

i know u r on here Sarah. but if i think i”m gonna post anoither story bout how i want to kill myself it’s not gonna happen

On Thursday, I was discharged by the ‘Home Treatment’ people at the hospital after a month of getting my meds changed.  Took me off the Zopiclone and Citalopram and switched to Tradazone.   I still get to take Lorazepam.

On Saturday I got my discharge papers through the post.  I study them and see they have given me a new label.

Now they say I have an ‘Unstable Personality Disorder.’  I look it up online and that equals Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).  Before that they told me I had a SchizoAffective Disorder.  Before that Psycotic Depressive.  Before that Schizophrenic.  Before that and before that I lose track.  I know mental […]