I’ve been having dreams about hanging myself. I already know that I’ll most likely fail at it, so I really don’t think I want to try, but still.

Can’t seem to find that tiny spot of silence inside my head tonight. Thoughts swimming around and around on repeat. Why is it when you are at your lowest the easiest of things are so hard? Sleep is not usually a stranger to me. I can sleep through anything just to get to the next moment. I use sleep as a barrier to keep me from having to face real life. So what happens when sleep doesn’t come? I go deeper and deeper into the place I so want to hide from. Face to face with every memory I try so hard to forget. Even […]

Life’s too short to even care at all, oh
I’m losing my mind losing my mind losing control, oh oh
These fishes in the sea they’re staring at me oh oh
Oh oh oh oh
A wet world aches for a beat of a drum
Oh

If I could find a way to see this straight
I’d run away
To some fortune that I, I should have found by now

I’m waiting for this cough syrup to come down, come down.

Life’s too short to even care at all, oh, oh
I’m coming up now, coming up now out of the blue, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
These […]

Hello, I’m Herowanted and thank you for applying for the position of hero. I am here this morning after a pathetically desperate attempt to seek help (after all, who answers their phone at two a.m.?!) and look for those capable of saving me. I’ll start with myself and then move on to a few questions. My story is, oh, so typical so I shall keep it short and sour:

My broken-home birth left my words solemn from the first sentence. The alcoholism, verbal abuse and, sometimes, accidental physical harm that came upon me lasted until my mid-teens and, by then, I’d learn to cut, drink, fuck […]

My mom texted me a quote which I eventually found floating on tumblr that went like this:

“One awesome thing about Eeyore is that even though he is basically clinically depressed, he still gets invited to participate in adventures and shenanigans with all of his friends. And they never expect him to pretend to feel happy, they just love him anyway, and they never leave him behind or ask him to change.”

I sometimes wish the people in my life were able to not necessarily understand my depression/darkness, but just be able to see me. Just me. And not wish anything different about me.

So I made a post of burial sites (asking which was your style) which I quickly learned everybody would prefer to be cremated.  So now I will post the urns.

Or if you want to be scattered into a hurricane like clevername (not a bad idea)

Or if drowning and being digested by a shark is your style, that’s fine.

Or perhaps being shipped into space

I’m afraid to ask so I don’t instead

I’m afraid to walk, get out of bed.

I’m afraid to soar right through the sky

cause suicide is my kryptonite.

I’m afraid to tell you that I love you so

cause if I do I’m sure you’ll go.

I’m afraid that if I tell you something

you’ll treat that secret like its nothing.

I’m afraid of a lot but with fear

comes strength.

What do you do when you’re ready to go, but don’t want to at the same time?

What do you do when everyone you’ve ever had love for, turns that love into the hate you have for then today?

What do you say when the person you want to love forever, doesn’t love you back?

What do you do when you want to love, but all you’ve felt was hate?

I’m too much of a coward to die already, but I’m too hurt to be ok with living

I’ve had so many opportunities these past couple months to end it, but I keep dragging my feet. Not hanging on for things to get better, I’m not that naive. But the finality of the whole thing makes me apprehensive. I’m the one that’ll be successful on the first try, I’m aware of this.

With the clock ticking, I wish I would’ve done it sooner. The longer I wait, the more I cringe that I’m still here.

Fuck, mornings are the worst. Opening my eyes and realizing I didn’t try the night before. Then the long days that lead into night….the pattern has gone on long […]

ive sat in this tub for hours trying to figure out a way to tell you. im sure you are confused as to why i did this to myself. Ill start out with school. I get bullied constantly. everyday im there. i get teased for how i dress and look. how i act and more. I came home crying almost everyday but you never seemed to care. you always told me that it would get better. well 5 years later it never got any better. it just got worse. from a scratch to blood all over my arm and floor. here i lay in a […]

I have these thoughts all the time: Why do I even bother?

Why do I  even bother trying to make people happy? I am just going to end up accidentally hurting them.

Why do I even bother trying to achieve my goals? I am just going to fail.

Why do I even bother trying to be happy? I am just going to get upset.

Why do I even bother trying to tell people what’s wrong? They won’t understand me.

Why do I even bother trying to get close to people? I won’t be the same as they are

Why do I even bother trying to go to therapy? My problems are not going to get […]

My wrist lifelessly dangled off the edge of the porcelain tub; a stream of red tracing the lines on my hand. A pool of crimson waited below. The bath water looked like a distilled merlot. I lay silently, salty tears racing down my face. My mascara sat idly under my eyes tired of running. With the little will I had left, I turned my head to look at the self inflicted mutilations. The word “ Help” was carved into my soft, white, flesh. Under that, “Save ME” screamed for some attention, fresh blood still dripping down from the bottom of the E. My head jolted […]

i feel so lost and confused.. i don’t know what to do?? everywhere i turn there is problem after problem!! i can’t do anything right.. wish i was dead..wish i had the guts to kill myself the way my life is goin may be that will come soon

my mother died last year. she had cancer. now l am all alone. l have nobody and no one cares. l don’t live in the present. l have no future. l have no quality of life. l am just existing. l have a bunch of sleeping pills and am ready to take them. l hate my life and wish to be dead.

I have never attempted suicide before and probably will never do that in the future, although I am suicidal. The depressing thought cannot get out of my head. Only watching people who are also suicidal can make me feel much better, because I tend to dispassionately analyze their feelings and so I become an observer rather than a sufferer.

There’s no point to live, but there’s no point to die either, from my perspective. That’s why I’m still alive. There’s no point to do anything. Suicide is such a luxury, an aggregation of  courage, ego, curiosity, perseverance, nonchalance about collective unconsciousness, motivation, liberation, freedom of self-expression, […]

Seriously – if there was something to look forward to that made enduring the pain of bending my hips, back and knees to put my clothes on before work worth enduring but there isn’t.
If I was only just a little comfortable in my own skin so I felt like I deserved to have someone waiting for me at the end of the day to soothe me and hold me again but I don’t.
If I could rest, I mean really rest when I sleep instead of tossing and turning all night long trying to stay one step ahead of the pain and waking to […]

Yup, new poem.

Bit of a change of pace for me. Don’t know if I love it but maybe it’s something I can build on. Less depression-centric but hopefully people here might still relate.

Don’t You Remember

Don’t you remember when the furthest edge of the earth was the corner of your street?
When we hated the street lights because they signified that it was time to go inside?
When Sundays seemed to last a life-time and we despised the rain because it meant we couldn’t go outside to play?
How something as simple as a cardboard box could entertain for hours?
It wasn’t just utilitarian, it was […]

It is 11:21 pm where I am. I know we’re all scattered all over the place so we don’t have the same time zones but…

Goodnight to those about to sleep or sleeping. I hope you all have wonderful dreams and if reality is not good, that your dreams take you as far from it. Sleep well too. I hope tomorrow would offer something better for you.

Good day to the others wide awake. I hope you get by your school, work, etc. alright. Be careful and similarly, I hope that today would have something good in store for you.

Those might be lame or annoying but I […]

So I ruined it again….

I was doing so well….

Over a month without one single razor blade piercing my skin and tonight, out of all the nights, I started again.

I really wish this would just end.

I know it helps me feel better, but this is ridiculous.

This wasn’t your average cut either.

I carved a word into my leg…

And now it will most likely scar and be on my body for the rest of my life.

Good one.

I applaud you…NOT!