I hate this world.  And I hate all the shitty people in it.  I wish they’d all have a heart attack and just drop dead.  The world would be better off without them.  I wish I had some magical power like in the movies to make them suffer like they do unto others.

Yes I am spewing anger, but I have lots to be angry about.  I hate all the horrible things that go on in the world and all the assholes getting away with it.  It just seems like the bad people get rewarded and the nice people suffer at their hands.

It seems all virtues are for strong. when you are strong or have power you can choose whether to forgive or punish, but what can you choose when you’re weak? how can you show your virtue when you’re not allowed to choose itself? then it all turns into mere consolation. Is there anything like ‘intrinsic value’?

Dear whoever is reading this, SMILE.

Life is too short to be unhappy.

Everyone carries some sadness with them.

We get used to it.

If you have too much, it’ll weigh you down. (Sadness about past, present and future)

Try letting of some.

You’ll fell so much lighter. (Unnecessary sadness) 

Just because you have experienced pain doesn’t mean you won’t feel happiness again.

Let your smile to change the world, don’t let the world change your smile.

I hope you always find a reason to smile.

6

I think I’m going to be posting here daily. It’s better than writing a diary. Those things are worthless.

So tomorrow I’m going to a friend of mine’s house to have a sort of anti-valentine’s day party. Not really a party, just some mutual friends, some food, and some weed. The thing is, my mother decided to tell me she’s going to drug test me the day after. I’m at the point where I don’t really care if she catches me. I’m at a really low point, even though I’m young. I want to smoke and forget about all of my stresses. I’m not the type of person to do crazy drugs like acid or cocaine. I don’t like any of that stuff. I […]

i always wonder if people look at me and think.. damn i wish i looked like her!! or do they think damn shes ugly ass fuck. im a kinda thick girl and active tall long blond hair. and you would think ppl would like that but i guess not..

I’ve made too many stupid mistakes in my 26 years on this earth. There is no way for me to have a normal life any more. I got fired from my job of 8 years and now I cant get hired by any one. My wife works 10 hours a day and I am only working at a shitty temp job 20 hours a week. I feel like im not a man anymore. I just fucked up too many times and theres no way back. There are no second chances. Nothing will ever be the same. I dont feel suicidal yet but in the future […]

These daily posts are officially stopping. I am now officially not doing the Day ___ things… It’s just causing more people to worry about me… So more people to hurt when I say my final goodbye… I don’t know how frequent I will post… So… Goodbye?

I just want a Prince charming
or even someone that isn’t harming.
Just someone to ten my heart
and someone to stop me from tearing apart.
I don’t want a tiara or a crown.
Just some happiness when I’m down
or just a smile on their face
But I know that’s not the case
Someone that will trust me
And someone who will believe me
Someone to share a genuine a smile
To comfort me all the while
A person who doesn’t care about my past.
A relationship that I know will last
A person that understands me
And expects me to just be me.

The only reason I haven’t killed myself yet is because I don’t want to hurt anyone but the reason I want to kill myself is because everyone is hurting me.

Well guys just an update , I failed my finals been crying , I put my all into and failed but my teacher saw my potential and giving me a make-up …….hopefully I pass the make up test ……I just totes sad tonight *sad face * and tomorrow is valentines day and I still can’t even see my boyfriend oh well , plus everyone in my class calls me a demon and it’s pissing me off been thinking abt mass murder but I know that wrong but just been keeping to myself a lot .

Love Allie
xoxoxo

All I can think about every minute is dying. I want to fucking die today, right now, so badly.   :'(

I started writing letters to the only people who talk to me. This is what I have for Andrea, a friend who has suffered a lot, and I tried to help, but she was never in CAP with me and disagreed on me joining.

Andrea:

If you’re reading this, then you know. Sorry. Wanted to tell you.

The money I left won’t be much but it should help you get by. Want you to be happy when you meet the right person. Don’t want you to have to be on your own.

Not sure the right way to say how I feel about you. Think you know already, though. […]

I don’t know why I’m gettin so mad. It’s not like something to get mad at, it’s the smallest things that make me go off into a loud yelling or scream. I have so much anger and I dont know why.

I get mad at my mom, dad, sister, and especially my friends. I love my friends but I’m starting to hate everything about them. It’s like I want to punch them in the face everyday.

I just feel angry and depressed. So ANGRY…

I feel like the devil is inside of me and taking over my body creating so much hate. Theres just so many things in […]

 I know my mother doesn’t have any interest in me at all.  I can leave the house for hours without telling her and she doesn’t even notice.  It’s lonely here.  Everyone wants their mother to love them the way a conventional mother does.  For some reason unknown to me she won’t.  So I assume it’s because she doesn’t like my face, the way I talk or anything negative I can find in my me.  I’m starting to believe maybe I don’t deserve to be loved […]

There’s no such thing as love; what we refer to as love is usually just pain, deceit, lies, broken promises and false hope.

No matter how many times you think you find love, you haven’t, because love doesn’t exist. People are all the same, always have been always will be. So don’t make the mistake of thinking you love someone, it’s just desperation of the soul needing something to cling onto.

What do you do though, when you’re weaker than desperate? When you can’t even kill yourself, when you can’t even achieve the easiest thing possible for man to do? You want to play God, you want […]

I knew didn’t I? In the moments before I had that first, tiny, dreadful thought, I’m sure I knew. The idea wouldn’t cross my mind and then never come back. That’s not how it works. It’s like when you’re searching for the answer in a trivia game, you get stuck on one thing you know is wrong, but you can’t think past it.

That first thought. The whisperings of death drawing me closer with every incident. I’ve come to accept that even if I make it through this, even if I survive the next 10, 20, 30 years, I might not make it further because I’ve […]

The worst battles we face are the ones hidden within us.  Merely living becomes one giant lie – one giant chore.  Going on in life and following Routine becomes the norm, but nobody sees the truth.  Nobody sees that you’re on the edge, you’re breaking down.

And when you do finally let it out, you break down to someone – They don’t care, they only use it against you.  People look down on you, they call you crazy – when all you need is somebody to tell you that they care.

My entire life has been one big mess. When I was a kid, I wanted to […]

Numb. Tears. Fear. Loss. Alone. Him. Gone. Stupid. Black&White. Sound. Betrayal. Silence. Eyes. Looks. Words. Judgements. Ache. Need. Dreams. Darkness. Where. Why. Please. Him. Him. Him, him, him, him, him, him, him…

“Scythe”

Arise affinity.
Chosen Lords, where art thou, [in space and time].
Navigate through this hell.
The torch that beholds, humanity’s alpha line.
The seal. Black.
Death Valley squadron, the wild card. Save me.
Void of me like void of life.
Monstrous atrocity. All I’ve ever known is global cold existence.
Scythed. And poison.
Rising cold Aquarius. From death, unto life.
Our fate.
My fate, in black infinity.
Intolerable iron satan of hell, in second master molding.
The second final, in counting.

//

Master of light. Monster of hell.
Duality of the scale, in my blood.
Forever etch, in pilgrimage.
Lucifer. Bringer of light. Satan’s salvation.
Duality, the […]