I hide behind a smile, a fake self if you will. This self is the one I use when at school around friends who don’t know my secret and around family who will judge if they knew. This self has a smile, a retched smile that sickens me even to look. This smile makes me seem as if I’m fine, that nothing troubles me. However the smile may fade and my true self has shown, just a bit at least then I fear..I fear those who don’t know has seen my darkened colors then the smile appears again as something ‘funny’ happens and I realize […]

I notice other people talking shit about me, but I always laugh

I realize other people lying at me, but I always laugh

I hear other people telling me that they don’t like me anymore, but I still always laugh

I starve myself because I’m not thin enough, but I always laugh

I put my eye- Makeup on because I’m not pretty enough, but I always laugh

I cut myself because I don’t feel enough, but I still always laugh

I’m writing you letters that no one will ever read, but I always laugh

You were my first real love and you will stay my last, but I always laugh

You said that you want to Forget […]

Josh Turner’s Long Black Train:

we all have choices every day to make …some good …some bad ,,,,but my whole world is upside down and I am not allowed to work….so if I cant work and pay my bills to the county …THEN I GO TO JAIL.”””””’i live in the mountains above fresno cal. and I have many talents in every walk in life …..I can move mountains .with the faith I have ,,..but I need to be less restricted by the county probation department ………there is no reason for me to be forbidden from any tribal casino……..there is a law that states that ,,,,,,,,my father always […]

Chris.  My email is cdgibson875 at  gmail…

If anyone needs someone to talk to, anyone at all…  I want to help.

I truly love my parents but everything my life has become makes me realize im such a bad investment for them and nothing but a disappointment to them.. it makes me hate myself that im still alive and I would rather die than continue to disappoint them.. I don’t know just figure that dying would save them so much disappointment later on. I mean isn’t it better to just die than keep giving them failures..?

I dunno. I’m just so tired of living. Sometimes I just lie in bed and imagine what death would feel like. I feel so sad but I just cannot pinpoint why! I feel useless and like I don’t belong..

It fucken hurts. I just don’t want to live anymore.

Here I am; haven’t been able to catch sleep all night and into the early hours of the morn. I lay in my bed staring into the dark, holding myself back from taking all this pain away. My boyfriend and parents are asleep, so I need not bother them with my emotions as of now… but I need an outlet, so, I bring you all (who are willing to listen) a (rather long) story.

Why am I really writing this, besides as an outlet? Well… let’s just say this is the reasoning behind why I will never, ever end my life (I hope). I hope some will […]

Hey there,

Second post in here and the last days have been tough for me. In this really depressing period I managed to get my shit together, organize my thoughts and come up with a plan for my life, or its end.

I’m giving it a last try, an effort to make me a better man, see if I can make some good for the world and decide if this is something that can give me a reason to keep going on. I’m giving myself till June 1 to reconsider my decision to exit, not out of fear of death but out of my will to give […]

I’ve been suffering with depression for going on 16 years, if not longer. Every year is harder than the last, and this past year has been the worst. I cry myself to sleep thinking about ways to kill myself almost every night, and although I fought it for years, I’ve started cutting myself again, which I haven’t done since I was a kid.

I have a few people in my life who still care about me and I don’t want to hurt them, but I can’t go on like this. Therapy and counselling has been no help, and neither have any of the medications I’ve been […]

I have to be here if I don’t want to be. I do not believe in God or Hell so you can’t scare me with that stuff. I am 55 year old woman, no husband, no kids. I have been trying to half heartedly kill myself since I was 15. The last two years I have gotten the method down. It’s just a matter of courage right now.
What I ask is why we have to be here if it is miserable? I have medical problems….if I had a dog who suffered as I do, the vet would tell me to put him to […]

My mom after/still on drugs

My father, at home for once, but asleep anyway…

I’ve been wondering how long I’ve really missed the love and care from my family. None of my family cares anymore. I don’t know why, but I just miss the hugs and alone time with my mom […]

I wish my parents still cared… I feel alone but I also know that I’ve been pushing everyone away. I don’t know what to do anymore.

So alone…..  it never ends.  I’ve tried so hard for so long.  It just doesn’t seem worth it.  Not even close.   As I get older, the “good” times are fewer and further between.   It’s like big headache that never goes away.  I’ve tried to overdose several times.   My friend died that way.  All I could think about was how lucky he was to finally go….  I hope it ends soon.

I overcame the fear…the idea of dying. I gained acceptance. I’m content with the idea of death. It will be much easier than life. Life is not becoming. Life is pity and filled with doubts. My dreams are so far off now. Thinking of the master plan…it would be ironic if it came naturally. Again, I’ll be in content. What’s the fastest way of killing yourself? To EXIST and not Live. I’m ready to die. My soul is dead. I have already died.

I found this site and I guess the idea of  it is pretty cool. I guess I want to share my story here. Some things that I never told anyone before

I just wanna say that this website has helped me stay around this long and was a great place to let myself out. That being said, it seemed fitting that my last post be my suicide note. So here it is. Goodbye.

To Whom It May Concern…
If you are reading this than I am dead. This may come as a shock to most who know me. If you want to know why, it’s basically because I hate myself. I’ve actually vomited because I hate myself so much. I loathe myself. I’m tired of being mediocore. I’m tired of being a failure to everyone around me. […]

Here I am lying in bed, the worst thing to do when your depressed. I’m 13… I cry inside everyday. two weeks ago we had our winter/Christmas break. Over the holidays I was planning on relaxing and enjoying my break without any homework. It’s really hard for me to continue this blog but I feel like if just one person might be able to relate to my crazy messed up situation at least i can help someone in my last 24 hours of life. Anyways back to point, a few weeks ago during break my parents got in the car to go to work and […]

I guess not. I know it sounds negative. But I am 95% sure that no one will love me. I guess I have to accept that fact… It’s hard though. Thinking/Knowing no one will love you…

I feel the angst and the stress, but I do not want it to go. I want it to fester, I want it to grow. I want you to see the blackness’ magnitude, I want you to create a fued. Hit me in my face, uncover my disgrace. Slash my back, peel my flesh. See my pain fresh? I want you to hate me, I want you to confront my differences. Numb my senses, forget the expenses. I have, long ago. I forgot what it feels like to glow. What it feels like to grow, but I do know what it feels like to blow. […]