tough world

My friend Sean died from an overdose 2 years ago. He was depressed. He would pop methadone leftover from his dads surgeries/cancer. I came over once and had some weed. He said I’ll give you some pills if you pack a bowl. I said sure. He gave me 10 pills for 5 bucks worth of weed. The pills he gave me go for 10 easy on the street which I found out after he died. I said are you sure? “Yeah yeah I got plenty he says. ” He gave me so many because that was his usual dose. He was popping 6 at a time blacking out and taking more. He overdosed once and went to the hospital after like 15 pills… I tried to get him to cut down… Just 1 pill and I was loaded. I would take half or a quarter of pill and be feeling damn nice. I don’t know if he killed himself or just accidentaly did it. He was over with a couple people playing Xbox about a week before he died and he was passing out in the chair cause he was so high. The real sad part is that when he died I found out when I tried to call him. His mom answered. My first thought was that he was one of the lucky ones. He died in his sleep. Lucky ??? It really hit me then how far my world view had sunk. I was and am suIcidal. I miss sean. Do I think he killed himself? I lean toward yes but he didn’t leave any notes. I felt not like he was in a better place. More like releaved that he wasn’t suffering anymore. It could have been an accident. I’ll never know. The good die young. I was and still am jealous of his death. I just want to die. Sean might have been the only true friend I’ve ever known. He was never selfish.