I’m hurting so bad. I don’t know how to express this pain so I mostly keep it to myself. I bury myself in extracurriculars and school work to keep from having to make plans with my friends. I break down in private a lot. I hint to my mom that I need help. I think she knows that I need help, but I also think that she is just too embarrassed to take me somewhere to get help. I constantly blame this feeling on missing this guy, but deep down I know that it’s more than just that. I’ve tried turning to God for help […]

I wish I didn’t care what everybody thought of me I wished people loved me more

I was in love with you! I’m still in love with you. I can’t get over you. And I lost all of your words. I kept them, because they were the one piece of you that I still had. But I lost them! You know, when I found out, I got so close, but my family was home and I couldn’t do it. They were home, they would have found me before I died. And now everything from you is gone. I love you, but you’re gone. Even your words, which made me forget about all of my shit, are gone now. Please, can’t you […]

Anyone ever get tired of helping everyone else and no one is around when you need help?  It’s like HELLO! I’m here too. I have problems too. Even when people know you have depression issues, they still only talk to you when they have issues. That’s F**ked up. Excuse me, but it is.  That’s how my friend killed herself. She helped everyone else, except herself.  Are people that damn selfish. Oh help me. Help me, but don’t need me for anything? How’s about leave me the hell alone! If you can’t take the time to help me and listen to me rant, then buzz off.  […]

I do not even care anymore. I is not carin about grammar right now. I remember I was at school about a month ago wen my sis and her friend came up to me and said rude things about me and my boy friend. I was sad. I ran home and cryed. my boyfriend was sad too. he tried to comfort me but he don’t know how much I hurt on the inside. of course I aint got no guts for suicide but it still hurts. I am in pain. there Is not light when yu have depression. and don’t you get sick of people […]

I feel like a failure. This all happened on Christmas day… My mom got mad because my dad invited his family relatives over… (He`s my step dad, but I consider him my dad because he takes care of me) so after we opened presents from them, my mom comes out of the room and starts yelling in front of all of them.. then she looks at me and says “Why would you accept gifts from people who don`t even like you? How STUPID are you?!” then my dad starts yelling at her. So then she says she is gonna leave, so when they were at […]

By next Monday afternoon the basic elements of my plan will be complete and I’m scared that I’ll do it on NY Day. I really need to go to a psych hospital but due to financial and insurance issues among other things the earliest I could go to one would be Mon 2/3 – I wouldn’t go on a weekend – no doctors. And finding someone to take me will be difficult. I don’t want to drive because my car would be stuck at the hospital and I sure ain’t calling 911 and being hauled out in handcuffs by the cops. I just don’t know […]

numbness is all ill ever feel I use to crave being numb because of all the pain and voices but now being numb for this long is just making everything worse

Is it worth it? I am the odd one out of my family. Being diagnosed with MDD gave me a whole new look. I started getting bullied when I was in First grade because I was over weight. I thought nothing of it because I was young. A couple years ago I ended up cutting myself for the first time and I thought it would look cool, but it actually took all of my pain away (so I thought). Nobody in my family has ever suffered from any Depression disorder so it was very rare for me to suffer from it. I get bullied […]

What is the least painful way to kill urSelf? Beside. A gun. Or if a gun is the easiest way how do I get ahold of one?? I want to die. I don’t understand why people are scared of dying. It’s like sleeping. I just wanna sleep forever . I hate waking up

It’s Christmas. It’s times like these that remind me how much I’ve changed. I used to be so gentle and soft-hearted and joyful. Christmas was my favorite. The magic of it all used to mesmerize me. Now, I’m cold and hard-hearted and cynical. Magic doesn’t exist, and life is mostly illusion. I see behind the curtain now, and I hate it. I want that child-like wonder back. I want to look at the sky and be amazed at the shade of blue instead of knowing that it’s just a reflection, just a light trick. I want to marvel at the beautiful flakes of snow and forget the cold, […]

Year 2073,goverments just ruined the earth out,power and money where demons, everybody knew but everybody wanted and this is what those fucking stupid pieces of paper have done.The people are in war with the goverment which is surrounded by some military and pólice forces.Money still have value,but just a tiny mayority has it,i havent seen a damn dollar in some months.Now the people of the sun as i call them,the normal,good people are organized in small guerillas of about 30 people.We may not have money but we have something better,we are still humans,we care of each other while those bitches in the top dont have […]

You say you can never count on me
Well you can always count on me to let you down
All you can do is sit and preach
While you watch my world turn inside out
I can hear what you’re saying
You don’t have to shout
It’s not that I’m not listening
I just don’t care
This life is a prison
And I’m not one to be bound by despair
The icy clutch of a world so cold
With no desire to grow old
Don’t question my motives
They’re not yours to rebuke
If I have to stay on this planet one more […]

Just another day for me. Got drunk last night and didn’t wake up till 10:30. All I could do to drag my ass out of bed and take a shower. Wed. is laundry day so that’s all I have to do today. I think I’ll get drunk again – nothing much else to do.

Today, I had the misfortune of finding Alice hung on the ceiling fan a note on the couch and a women (who I later found out was with the hotline for suicide) crying.

Alice was barley alive when I cut her down.
She died in my arms

Alice had two younger sisters named Jasmine and Emily. They are currently with me. Like Alice said her mother died very recently from a heart attack and she took it verybad. As for her father, when I went over to collect some items and found out he had heavly forced sexual intercourse with her and is now in […]

my first (and only) love affair, oh how i remember that day like it was just yesterday. i was 13 3/4 years old and was lonely. i wanted someone (or something) to share my life with. i heard a car horn honk. i ran outside with my backpack in my hand and saw a white Ford 11 passenger van named 111 in my driveway. it was love at first sight. 111 was only 3 hours old at the time. i took steps closer and closer to her. my heart was racing in my chest. i swear i could have fainted. when i got to her, […]

All I wanted was for people to like me, that’s all I wanted. To have a place I feel like I belong, somewhere I would never have to doubt whether I’m welcomed or not. I’ve never found that place, and I don’t think I ever will. I’ve given up on trying to mold myself into what other people want me to be. I don’t understand where I fuck up or what I do to make people hate me so fucking much, no matter who it is. I’m so fucking alone. 7 billion people on this horrid planet and not one can decide they want to […]

 Lies

 

Lies

Beautiful

Perfect

Lies

So meaningful

So happy

Lies

Destroying

Killing

Suffocating

Lies

Lie after lie

They come out in a rush

Straight to my heart

Like a bullet

Expelled from your mouth

Hurting more each time

Why did I put down my shield?

Why did I let myself go?

Why couldn’t I see?

That this would just result in horror

In things no one could possibly understand

Fathom

Learn

Hear

Feel

I slowly crumble

Before your eyes

And its like you don’t care

 You like my pain

You like to see

What I feel

Death

Pain

Terror

My life revolves around it

And you have the audacity

To ask me WHY?

As if you’re not the problem

As if I create my own depression

As if my own happiness

Is of my control

As if you are not the one pulling […]