This is the second night in a row where i have had a rough night and I find myself crying again. I hate feeling this way. I want my family to realise i am hurting and dont like how they treat me. Most of my friends are from online that shows how bad and worthless of a person i am.

I’ve always split depression into two types. The numb type of feeling nothing, then the crushing and unbearable pain. The first kind I had when I was a lot younger. The second has gone on for the last few years, and how can I explain the darkness of looking ahead to carrying it further. I’ve been seeing doctors for 16 years. I was first hospitalized 11 years ago, and last hospitalized exactly one year ago. If I had known 11 years ago, I wouldn’t be out of the same place mentally, but worse, I don’t think I could have handled that fact. I’m 29 now […]

All of my life, I’ve been told that if I told anyone how I was feeling that I would get taken away from my family.

All of my life, I’ve been told that suicide is for the weak and no one will mourn me when I die.

All of my life, I’ve felt like a stranger in my own body. My father told me that I was his property. Not a person, but only a piece of property. I wasn’t ever abused physically or sexually, but mentally I have been. I’ve been confused and tricked by my own father to tears, just for his amusement. I was […]

I see what’s coming. I know what will happen. And i know i will do everything to avoid it and still it will happen. That’s the impact of her words (my mom’s). Or does she see through my soul?

Why did i have to meet you?  Why did I fall in love only to have my heart crushed?  Was it just one more thing to confirm my decision?  I guess that is what I have to believe…It would have been so much easier not knowing you, not believing I was loved, not feeling happy again before its over.  But it was a facade.  Now I lay here crying knowing I have given all my love and energy to someone who just took it for granted and can’t understand the significance of someone loving you unconditionally and giving you everything and leaving nothing for themselves. […]

Ive been on Prozac, Lexapro, Saphris (it made me manic) and one more in between I can’t remember, I am trying to keep it together with 450 Wellbutrin 200 Zoloft. I am sick of taking them. I tried to ween off the Zoloft and I was crying uncontrollably. I want to just fall asleep and not wake up, I think about it every day. I stay in my cave all day trying to nap with the TV on.
I am waiting for my parents and my dogs to pass away, then it’s my turn. I don’t want to make my parents sad. A lot of […]

Dear Ones,

I, too, have felt suicidal, but I have also found hope of change. Having found it, I would like to pass it on for whatever help it may be. This is the first offering.

One of the difficulties is the lack of insight into why the nightmares come. Why? Others seem to get on ok, even thrive, but not me. I can not cope. How, if it is possible, can I come to a new perspective? If the “how” can be answered, I was very certain the why will also be resolved. A Course in Miracles has shown me how.

I was drawn to A Course […]

godamn these past few days i’ve been feeling SOOO fucking depressed.. it’s weird and it’s really bad..

even in this past year.. when I was moping or whatever.. it was ok, I was still getting with girls.. or there was always something that was contradicting my feelings.. but this is some real shit.. this is how i felt when I was 16.. quiet, depressed and low on confidence..

I kept on thinking about suicide and I actually was considering it.. though I don’t think I would ever have the balls to.. but I feel like 27 is the threshold age for people who deal with this kinda […]

I have two beautiful children.  They are both boys.  One is three and the other is one.  I keep thinking, how can I not want to be there to watch them grow up?  Do you know how fucked up they’re bound to be if their mom kills herself?  It’s not like I’m dying from cancer or something else that’s somehow noble, it’s “hey, how did his mom die?”  “Killed herself” and then they bully them on the school bus until they kill themselves too, and it’s just me and my boys up in Heaven and my husband down on earth with his new wife and his […]

when you feel that much at ease when you slit your wrists with that balde and you cant help but to do another cut you just have to feel the blood drip down onto the floor of the carpet in your bedroom and you feel like you have just let go of all your problems. so would this feeling be the same as dying making a big deep cut on the inside of my wrists and putting on that white ball gown and running the cold tap in the bath and you get in there and you feel the blood still dripping and that water […]

I’ve lived my life fake smiling for everyone around me. They all believe i’m okay but i’m not. I hate myself. They way i look, act, breath. I hate all of it. I’m only alive for my best friend. She has kept me going but lately she has been drifting away and i can’t handle it. I hear people give me complements but i don’t believe it i can’t cause whenever they say them i hear a voice say their lying or it’s untrue. I am so insecure because of it. If see some one looking at me i hide my face from their judgement. […]

so, do we die or not? -_-

I carved his name into my skin and now hopefully ill have a scar of his name on my skin forever. in school today ill imagining the ways that ill be killing myself when I get home. I don’t have a pulse without him, I don’t know how Im alive and breathing right now. I love him more than I love myself. This relationship was more important to me then keeping myself alive was. He doesn’t understand what I am without him. I don’t even understand it. I love him so much. If he doesn’t talk to me before I go home, ill be dead […]

There is nothing else i an think about now, than not being here. I just.. I don’t want to be here anymore, i don’t feel alive,  i don’t feel like i belong here. Lately i just feel like i am staying alive for my parents, because i do know that they would be devestated if they lost me – even though it in many ways, would probably be much easier.. My mother said that she couldn’ take this no longer. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to think anymore. I just wish that i could disapear away from this planet. Everything […]

I am 15 years old and I’ve had suicidal thoughts since 5th grade in school… you know the same old story aboutbeing bullied. For looking terrible and not having friends… when I started 7th year the first time last year I was still a mess but had a bit more of confidence I started being a ***** to some poor girl in my classroom just to fit I knew it was wrong. I was becoming a bully so I stopped so in february of this year I had to repeat 7th grade cause I am useless at studying well I had. Depression about […]

I’m tired I’m tired I’m tired I’m tired I’m tired I’m tiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtired I am so fucking tired.
I am alone
Broken
Drowning
And nobody notices

They say I’m heartless, I am cold.
They say I’m a fool
They say nothing hurts me

Wrong wrong wrong wrong

I am always hurting and I am sick of it sick of the pain sick of the loneliness sick of everyone telling me it’ll all be okay when they cannot fathom the immense pain I feel.
Waking up is a reminder I am still here, in this dreadful world. I am sucked back into reality.
Why am i still here..
How am […]

Let me start like this…

Is there anyone here who’s dealt/is dealing with this eating disorder?

I am asking this because I think I’m gonna be starving myself for the next few months. I have strong reasons for that. First, food’s just started to make me sick, literally. I hate the way it tastes, smells, looks. I hate having to eat all the same things lately and I hate the urge to throw it all back up after. That’s not all. Besides, I’m not willing to spend as much money on foods as I used to, cause now I need to save my money for ‘more needed’ […]

I just turned 18 a few minutes ago and i hought i would be happy. i thought this was hopefully a new beginning. but as i lay here, only flashbacks come. the nights wishing i were dead. the moments shaking because i wanted to cut. the crying and sorrow.. ive lost so many friends in the last few months. all i have now is internet friends. its kind of ironic that internet friends seem to understand more. but, self harming tonight.

My friend moved on yesterday. Helium. Wish it hadn’t worked. Dammit. Of course he would be clever enough the first time. No problem. Genius. Reminded me of my failed attempt. It was a long time ago. I had no perspective. Didn’t believe anyone else could understand. Not really. But now I understand. Really. He didn’t know that. Couldn’t have. I don’t share. Why would I. Why wouldn’t I. So here I am. Sharing.