I feel so lost and alone…I’m so depressed…

What is the point in trying to live when all you get is pain and trouble, every day. Every day.

I can only feel happy or rather numb these endless feelings of pain when I’m at home doing things I enjoy, and even then that’s no guarantee. I’ve even come to the point of not being able to stop thinking about death and ways to kill myself anymore. If I see a car, I imagine jumping right in front of it. If I walk across a bridge, see a knife, etc… you know.

I also blame my past for that, but it’s more than just that. I’ve […]

When I was four, my mother killed herself. All my life, I was told that she had died of cancer.

When I was 15, I had a flashback. I saw a woman hanging, I hear myself scream and not be able to stop. I remember my brother taking me to the neighbour’s house.

I asked my dad if she had killed herself, and I was right, she did. Now I’m 17, and I’m unbelievable desperate for answers. My ptsd triggers my anxiety, I have severe ocd, I was diagnosed with the bipolar disorder (type 2, like my mother). I feel like my life is falling apart but […]

I guess you could say that living with your drug headsed mom for 6 years while your dad just got rid of you is kinda messed up yeah, and then living with an abusive meth head of a step dad is kinda bad to, and then getting molested  by your uncle and then living with alcoholics you I would blame someone for being messed up by now if they where after all that. see the thing is I learn from other peoples mistakes and the little things are what bother me the most its not the big things. i gaurantee you people are there for […]

It feels liberating that no one can stop me when it comes down to it. The thought is scary and lone, but I think everyone has thought it at least once. That liberating rush of control. That warm but dark feeling. Knowing that you shouldn’t be doing this but you still do because you can.

It’s utterly terrifying. But the control is like a rush of wind over a grassy pasture. So liberating and free that you want to bask in it. So grand but so horrible that you want to hide forever and forget about what you’ve done. Who you’ve hurt. Who you will hurt.

What […]

i never wanted a simple life.

Growing up i always wanted to do something amazing, or to have a thousand life experiences.

Well, i ended up getting the latter of the two, and now i think i severely regret it. For i have had many different life experiences and life styles, and it has been a lonely existence. i can say i probably have had more rl friends than most, which i can say is most likely suppose to be a good thing: but they never last.

changes and life and spans of distance always pulls people apart. i dont talk to any of my old friends anymore, […]

I know that compared to many my life is great and enviable, but I feel anything but that. I didn’t suffer from any traumatic event, and I don’t know I am making all these up in my head, but I feel like I am defeated. People have broken my heart a little by little, and now I feel that I have a black hole instead of a heart. I feel lonely even while being with my friends, that is if they are even my friends. I don’t belong anywhere. I have been there for everyone, but no one is there for me. All my friends […]

I was in a bad mood until I heard a quiet farting noise.  I looked down at the ground by my front door to discover my ferret had lifted his tail up to the sky and was pooping all over the floor.

There are less than…
24 hours left…
Since the exact moment…
One year ago…
That you shot yourself…
And I…
Lost the love of my life…
And our daughter…
Unborn…
Lost her father…
I’m breaking…
I can’t fake it…
Not any longer…
I can’t take it…
I’m falling apart…
My spirit is shattered…
I don’t sleep at night…
Because I’m haunted…
By ghosts of you…
I loved you…
I still do…
I want you back…
I want to reverse time…
To save you…
To fix everything…
To stop you from doing it…
I have suffered more…
In this […]

It is the fear of leaving behind each passing moment that propels our desire to live; time existing only if we are here to perceive it, and our existence contingent on our perception of time.

I related to a friend.. the background events that have caught my attention in my life… and he said ” If your life was a show.. i’d tune in to see what happens”

Against all odds.. i’ve come into contact with the one person i wanted to meet in a city of  over a million….

I posted a lonely hearts message based on an encounter months old and i received a reply.

Someone i had little hope of seeing..  who approached me with a unusual confession.

So i have another reason to stick around for while..

If only for the entertainment of others 🙂

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QblFiDd3lSM&feature=youtu.be
please watch it, please.

I’m a thirteen-year-old girl who shouldn’t have the right to complain. There are people out there dying and starving, being hurt and abused, while I sit here in a bed on my laptop, with clothes to wear and food to eat. But why is life not that simple? Why does my mind betray me with little thoughts and snippets of  ‘you complain too much’? No matter how much I try and face that seemingly innocuous thought, I always end up returning to the complaints and desires I try so hard to run away from.

Somehow, I think I’ve seen too much for being this age (haven’t […]

Sorry to be gruesome but this is what I stumbled across today while gardening for extra cash. I saw something red-ish in the walkway, and thought “eww maybe it’s like a bird leg or something”. I could have been so lucky. I could have at least shook that image. Instead it was literally a little chipmunk face with part of it gone and when I flipped it over… it was just like brains. I mean the wild can be cruel and that doesn’t shock me, but it was just such a disturbing image that it has stuck with me all day.

The weirdness of it all […]

So I sat in a far corner of a Walmart parking lot today for at least an hour and a half with a box-cutter at my throat. I gave myself about an inch long not too deep scar on the left side of my neck. I was too scared to go any further. Still not sure if I want to go through with this or not. But for now, how the fuck do I explain that scar to people? At least it’s semi-coverable.

Hi, I am Reitanna, and I have wanted to kill myself since I was about twelve or thirteen. I will be twenty three this November. When I was twelve, I was diagnosed with manic depression, but we had seen signs of it when I was a young child. There may have even been thought of suicide when I was young, but I don’t remember. I was abused by my mother, whom I will call E because I don’t consider her my mom anymore, until I was fourteen when custody of me was finally taken away from her.

However, I’ve always been scarred by this, and being […]

still doing it on halloween. refining my final plans now. Figuring out how to word my letter, well, e-mail.

So.. Idek where to start.. I was given up for adoption when I was 3 months old.. I was adopted at age 1… I’ve lived in may places.. My parents abuse me all the time… Like all the time.. & they homeschool me.. The night before I turned 14 they beat me up really bad… ( less then a week ago )… Told me they wish they never adopted me and that I’m a fat skank… Idek.. I self harm alot really badly, on my wrists, and thighs & Idk what to do… As far as I can remember I was never really downright sad […]