Well. I posted something, but have yet to have anyone seem to take an interest in me… I guess this site isn’t for me.
Reaching out seemed important, but nothing came of it, as always happens

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SHqo2FDJSU0I feel like nothing is going anywhere… nothing is getting any better. A year ago I moved to my father’s to finally get away from my mother, sister, and my mother’s boyfriend, because they were pushing me to the edge. They’ve always been “there” for me, at things like competitions for band, and driving me to school events… but that is pretty much where it ends.
My mother loves me, and I hate seeing her upset, but when my sister is around, there is always a pointless fight started by her, and I get to the point of just wanting to jump off the […]

This is the it. The one year anniversary of the day my world ended. And I feel like it is ending again. Come back to me…

There are two things that go together that I need to sort out. One is being bullied–

  I haven’t really been directly bullied. No one stop me in the hallbuoy spreads rumors. No one excerpt myself. I have and ask.fm and I am obsessed with it. I check it every minute of every hour of the day.  now I’m going to tell you something and before you say I’m an attention seeker trust me I’m nogo tone day I decided I hated myself so much that I wrote some hate anonymously on my wall and responded defending myself as the answer . I did this […]

The other thing is being alone. Everyday I go to school and whine that I have no real friends. And it’s true, I don’t. People say things to me here and there but no one wants to hear what I have to say. I tell myself that I find comfort in knowing that I’m on my own and I can’t be hurt because there literally is no one to Hurt me but then I find myself whining and crying wondering what I did to have no friends. Whenever I put myself out there I get rejected. Each time I get rejected I […]

i don’t know if i would say that i am actually suicidal right now.  i mean, i have thought about it before, but i have never had the guts to do anything about it.  but i just feel so hopeless.  i feel like i am at such a loss for anything and i don’t see a point anymore.  there really isn’t any one thing that is affecting me.  i just feel like my life doesn’t have meaning.  there is nothing in my life that is driving me forward.  i have stagnated and i’m stuck.  i don’t know what i am doing anymore and i don’t […]

Only my parents will know and care. I don’t want them to go through my death, but I can’t go through my life.

Is this whole world being run by demons?  Does it feel like larger (and malevolent) forces are dictating your life and this world?  Making things 100X harder than they should be?  Causing pain, humiliation, despair, anguish and grief for good hearted people and for animal?  It seem like everything that can go wrong does go wrong, and then some?  It seem like pieces of your mind is missing?  Seem like people want to hurt you?  Seem like you can say something that’s true and obvious 1000 times but no one will believes you or pay attention to you?   Seems like people are blind to what should […]

Does anyone have any first hand experience with a bird infestation? I have been having a problem with pigeons constantly nesting right above my back door and shitting all over the back yard. There are kids that play back there and bird poop can cause illnesses. At any given point during the day I can go into the back yard and find at least 10 to 20 birds scattered throughout the area. The back yard is quite small to be having 20 birds in it. This situation is pissing me off.

it realy sycks not being able to trust and believe anyone ..i never judge anyone for im not God but for the love of Christ eniugh is enough Lord.it sucks having to pray every day for this world to end or just kill me and get it over with ..sorry for beingblunt but Lord im at the end of my rope and it still reaches the ground and sorry im to normal  to perfict and to real and have christ like qualities   My hands are lifted high and i give it all to you Lord  ..with no turning back the pages of time  i […]

Everyday it seems to be getting worse and worse. I’m coming to the end of this pointless life that I have been attempting to live but it’s all too much. The final goodbye, it just a breath away.

I lie in my bed today, scrolling through the writings of other suicidal people… Relating to almost every expression of despair and desperation. I’m literally squirming, as if I think I might be able to wriggle out of my own skin!

MY STORY…
After separating from a long term partner at 30, I had achieved enough that I felt proud of myself and only hoped to find a wonderful partner to start a family with. Fortunately my physical appearance made getting lots of dates easy… But unfortunately my low self worth, flimsy boundaries, niceness, generosity, kindness, etc made selecting a good healthy partner unlikely (I was […]

I feel so lost and alone…I’m so depressed…

What is the point in trying to live when all you get is pain and trouble, every day. Every day.

I can only feel happy or rather numb these endless feelings of pain when I’m at home doing things I enjoy, and even then that’s no guarantee. I’ve even come to the point of not being able to stop thinking about death and ways to kill myself anymore. If I see a car, I imagine jumping right in front of it. If I walk across a bridge, see a knife, etc… you know.

I also blame my past for that, but it’s more than just that. I’ve […]

When I was four, my mother killed herself. All my life, I was told that she had died of cancer.

When I was 15, I had a flashback. I saw a woman hanging, I hear myself scream and not be able to stop. I remember my brother taking me to the neighbour’s house.

I asked my dad if she had killed herself, and I was right, she did. Now I’m 17, and I’m unbelievable desperate for answers. My ptsd triggers my anxiety, I have severe ocd, I was diagnosed with the bipolar disorder (type 2, like my mother). I feel like my life is falling apart but […]

I guess you could say that living with your drug headsed mom for 6 years while your dad just got rid of you is kinda messed up yeah, and then living with an abusive meth head of a step dad is kinda bad to, and then getting molested  by your uncle and then living with alcoholics you I would blame someone for being messed up by now if they where after all that. see the thing is I learn from other peoples mistakes and the little things are what bother me the most its not the big things. i gaurantee you people are there for […]

It feels liberating that no one can stop me when it comes down to it. The thought is scary and lone, but I think everyone has thought it at least once. That liberating rush of control. That warm but dark feeling. Knowing that you shouldn’t be doing this but you still do because you can.

It’s utterly terrifying. But the control is like a rush of wind over a grassy pasture. So liberating and free that you want to bask in it. So grand but so horrible that you want to hide forever and forget about what you’ve done. Who you’ve hurt. Who you will hurt.

What […]

i never wanted a simple life.

Growing up i always wanted to do something amazing, or to have a thousand life experiences.

Well, i ended up getting the latter of the two, and now i think i severely regret it. For i have had many different life experiences and life styles, and it has been a lonely existence. i can say i probably have had more rl friends than most, which i can say is most likely suppose to be a good thing: but they never last.

changes and life and spans of distance always pulls people apart. i dont talk to any of my old friends anymore, […]

I know that compared to many my life is great and enviable, but I feel anything but that. I didn’t suffer from any traumatic event, and I don’t know I am making all these up in my head, but I feel like I am defeated. People have broken my heart a little by little, and now I feel that I have a black hole instead of a heart. I feel lonely even while being with my friends, that is if they are even my friends. I don’t belong anywhere. I have been there for everyone, but no one is there for me. All my friends […]

I was in a bad mood until I heard a quiet farting noise.  I looked down at the ground by my front door to discover my ferret had lifted his tail up to the sky and was pooping all over the floor.