http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SHqo2FDJSU0I feel like nothing is going anywhere… nothing is getting any better. A year ago I moved to my father’s to finally get away from my mother, sister, and my mother’s boyfriend, because they were pushing me to the edge. They’ve always been “there” for me, at things like competitions for band, and driving me to school events… but that is pretty much where it ends.
My mother loves me, and I hate seeing her upset, but when my sister is around, there is always a pointless fight started by her, and I get to the point of just wanting to jump off the top of my house…. not even finish that stupid shit. Just up and run out my window, and dive off the roof… and if I somehow live through that, slash my wrists on whatever is around me, I don’t fucking know. Maybe I’ll have a broken bone sticking out of my leg and I can sever my wrists with it. The point is that I can’t handle the way my family treats me. It’s like I’m not even here anymore.
All night every night, for years now, I sit alone, wishing I had someone to talk to… someone to love who cared for me. Maybe not even just one person, but a few friends. I have had a few great relationships(in the beginning) but my sister always managed to help blow that shit up, and afterwards, she will become BEST FRIENDS with my ex-girlfriends, to learn things about me. The ***** breaks MY heart, then gets all buddy-buddy with them, so she can get information on me, to hurt me with… there doesn’t even need to be an occasion, she will just up and start tearing me down, even in front of my friends, just to hurt me…. I try to fix our relationship. Every day I tell her I love her, do nice things for her, and even try to make dinner for her almost every night. But all she does is yell at me and tell me I’m like my father(who she is nice to face-to-face) Â and is a ***** about him, until she is asking him for gifts or money. I swear if she had just not learned to speak, or if I took a club to her head, she would be so much nicer. My mother teaches special ed, why can’t my sister be a goddamn retard instead of being a heartless succubus who has sucked 90% of my friends cocks, and taken 50% of them in her cavernous ****?
….I don’t think anyone will really care about reading this, and I feel like I’m not really going to be all that understanding or sad for a good hour from now, I have trouble talking through my problems… To sum it up so far, I have lost everything that matters to me, my family treats me as if I am nothing, because I put up a facade to save myself from emotional hurt, my father and I stopped talking as much(my best friend) after his girlfriend managed to force us into fist-fighting each other (it’s complicated) and I just…. I don’t even want to type, I don’t want to talk… I just want to slash at my body until I’m all dried-up. I hate not feeling anything…
AAAAND, then we have the other side of the spectrum… I found a girl, who is just like me, she understands everything about me, we even do all of the same things for fun, listen to the same music… Her best friend, her, and I, cuddled on Friday for a good three hours at the park, on top of a huge play-thing for kids (it was dark) I have not been that happy for years now… maybe that has something to do with it. After finally being happy again… my life feels pointless and like I’m just going to keep waking up to hurt, to occasionally break and cut myself to ribbons, and hide inside my long sleeves and jeans until everything heals, and I can avoid questions about why I have new cuts….
I don’t know what to do, I literaly love this girl… I had a crush on her for years, and the more I talk to her, the more I fear rejection. I’m afraid that even if I get her, I won’t be able to keep her… Everything I love leaves me. Even my family. I love them, but the person they knew as me is long-gone. Everyone sees a different person… I sometimes start tripping-out just from adjusting from hanging out with a different friend, than who drove me to that house…. I honestly don’t even enjoy watching television anymore, I can’t understand why I feel so empty and worthless.
To top it off, When I moved back from Texas, from living with my father for 8 months or so, they didn’t transfer my credits. My ENTIRE senior year was fucking THROWN AWAY and I have to redo all of it… Nobody understands how that is. I busted my ass that year, I even had to retake graduation tests for Texas(Georgia’s didn’t matter) and I ended up commended (less than 10 questions missed) in every category but English(I had the flu that day and didn’t concentrate well, thanks to vomiting the whole test(leaving and going to the bathroom, then coming back)) So… I was a star student in everything, and all the teachers and students loved me. And when I moved back, I had about 2 months left, but was stuck in suicidal thoughts and thought moving back to my “hometown” would help. But everything, all my senior credits, were thrown away, and I’ve been stuck redoing them for the last  months, in NIGHT SCHOOL. I’m so close to finishing…. just 5 tests in math, a book report in english, and a test in economics, and my mother is giving me a jeep when I graduate, so I will FINALLY have my own car… I was promised a vehicle when I moved to my father’s, but he went bankrupt, and whenI moved back, he gave my mother 16 thousand dollars to buy me a car and use the rest on her bills. She didn’t even allow me to use a car, for 16 THOUSAND DOLLARS. She just keeps me cooped up here in this house, smoking myself to death and almost crying every night… I hurt more than enough to cry, but I don’t feel any sort of emotion anymore, I just feel empty and dead… I don’t know what to do. I’ll probably just end up going to sleep, and accepting that my life is shit, emotionally, and not do anything but sleep and cry and attack my punching bag to work on my muscles, and technique…. I know every day is a new day, so why does every day hurt a bit more? WHEN IS IT GOING TO TURN AROUND?
I mean, I know it’s supposed to be bad sometimes, to show how great the good is…. but when will my life start feeling good? When will I enjoy something again? :'(
I have felt this way for years, but somehow I have just kept myself living, and even saved a good 20 kids from commiting suicide, and 15 or more to stop cutting themselves, so why can’t I stop myself?… :'(
I should just smoke weed every day… it doesn’t hurt me at all, it honestly makes me more efficient and level-minded. It’s like it takes every little bad thing in the world, and fixes it. Maybe IÂ am schizophrenic. That would explain… pretty much everything
Anyways… I’m going to go have a cigarette, and probably burn myself a couple times, it’s the last one I have till tomorrow, and I don’t want to get the blades out tonight… I’ll see if someone has replied or commented when I get back, I’m not exactly sure how this site works… If someone decides to read this and chat, thank you. Otherwise, I understand if you got bored reading through it. Have a nice night, and good luck with everything you do…
1 comment
Sometimes it takes a while for people to become comfortable with the idea of opening up to someone new, and exposing ourselves to the empathy that often hurts for perceiving someone else’s problems.
For now, i’ll just agree with your title: i miss feeling alive too. But i’m much older than you, and i have some pretty serious doubts that i will ever “feel alive” in a good way, again. Few things ever make me “feel alive” these days, aside from intense anguish and spikes of anger. There’s a triangle with happy, sad, and angry, at each point. I can’t remember the last time i stayed “happy” for more than a few minutes… and it pales in comparison, to the frequency, intensity and duration, of the sadness and anger waves.