i usually make myself a drink or smoke before i go to sleep but tonight im out of everything.
i can’t get high and i can’t get drunk and i can’t fall asleep.
all i want to do is feel like im drifting but i can’t and i don’t like that i can’t.
i hate being sober sometimes.
i get the best sleep when i’m not.
im not an addict. i keep my shit together. i have a good job and i go to school.
i just don’t want to feel like me at night.
is that so much to ask? 🙁

Im 15, very silly, down to earth person, well that is what is seen on the outside, in the inside I am a victim of despair, self-destructive thoughts and the longing to end this cruel joke called life.

Please, please, forgive me
But I won’t be home again
Maybe someday you’ll look up
And barely conscious, you’ll say to no one
“Isn’t something missing?

You won’t cry for my absence, I know
You forgot me long ago
Am I that unimportant?
Am I so insignificant?
Isn’t something missing?
Isn’t someone missing me?

Even though I’m the sacrifice
You won’t try for me, not now
Though I’d die to know you love me
I’m all alone
Isn’t someone missing me?

Please, please, forgive me
But I won’t be home again
I know what you do to yourself
I breathe deep and cry out
“Isn’t something missing?
Isn’t […]

Here I lie forever, sorrow still remains
Will the water pull me down and wash it all away?
Come and take me over, welcome to the game
Will the current drag me down and carry me away?
Suddenly the light begins to fade

Hopeless, I’m falling down
Filthy, I can’t wake up
I cannot hold on, I will not let go
Worthless, it’s over now
Guilty, there’s no way out
I cannot hold on, I will not let go

Silent I go under, I am not afraid
I can see the daylight shine and slowly drift away
Safe to say it’s over, sink into the grave
There […]

Trust is a powerful word and most don’t even realize it but i learned through to many experiences that no one in this world can be 100% trusted. I trusted a group of people from a small town i used to live in and look where that got me…it ended up with me getting bullied day in and day out i trusted every girlfriend i have ever had and look ive been cheated on and used or the bullshit brake up lines like ” its not you its me ” and always over text or by Facebook. I know that their are other people in […]

I remember wen my parents knew that I drink pills two times in a row

and wen I cut my  wrist, legs, hips, and chest

I saw a film I quite liked a couple weeks ago.. I’m a big fan of movies in that they tend to take me away from myself for a little while.. Escapism.. got to love it. No surprise that i seem to prefer films that are less than uplifting and have broken characters..

I recommend Love Eternal..  and to a lesser degree OXV : The Manual, and Animals.

Anyone have any hidden gems i can distract myself with?

Don’t knock at my door,

There’s no one home,

Don’t come to my window,

I’m not there all alone,

Don’t look through the house,

I’m not there anymore,

I’m not the same,

Not like before,

Don’t go to the creek,

I don’t get to go near,

Don’t shout up the hill,

Because I’m not going to hear,

Don’t look in the bookshop,

I’ve quit reading books,

The endings were too horrible,

For me to even look,

For the last time quit searching,

You’ll never find me,

I’m holed up in the hospital,

The only place I can be.

Sorry, it;s kind of long

You’re up in the nest,

And though you’re sick,

You’re the first bird,

I’d ever pick,

You’re the only one that believes,

That I can change,

Become what I can’t see,

You’re the ugly duckling,

But so am I,

And in the future,

Together we’ll fly,

You’re still very sick,

but I will make it all better,

And we’ll stay forever,

Two birds of a feather,

For you I will,

For you I would,

For you I’ll heal you in anyway that I could.

My small little bird,

Why don’t you fly?

You sit here all day to wallow and cry,

Just let it all go,

I’ll take the heat,

I will be here,

I won’t miss a beat,

And if you leave me right now,

You […]

People say that Im one of the last person on earth that dosent have a cold heart that sacrifice her self for anybody that always wanna help

but I dont see my self like that I dont even know who I am

For not being the person you wanted me to be

Everyone is alone, people are born alone and die alone

I am not going into full detail of all the shit that made me who I am today but I’ll give you a little summary.

I was bullied horribly and pretty severely at a private school with 100+ kids and 20 kids in the grade. You were with the same people your whole pre-k to 8th year.

I contemplated suicide at the age of 11 and still do. I wouldn’t let my mom leave because the thoughts of it were overwhelming. She didn’t leave without me but she didn’t take it seriously. I was really going to take a knife and stab myself in the stomach. She didn’t […]

Life is just a beautiful lie

In darkness of the night
I spied him in a tree
Sat I froze by the sight
He was looking at me
The summer’s heat became a chill
The angel of death at his kill

My heart skipped with the fright
Blinked my eyes to bet’r see
Glanced back with all my might
Parted he my comp’ny
My chest was quickly pounding still
The angel of death at his kill

I did rise and take flight
The fear made me to flee
From darkness into light
To free captivity
Unbinding my soul from his will
The angel of death at his kill

Many years since that night
Gazed […]

People like to talk shit about everybody else with out knowing that person

Sometimes you have does days wen you remember all the good things that happen in your life and that they can’t never come back. Wen you begging to remember them you just want to cry, you begin to feel that pain again. You don’t know how to stop it. You just cry and cry; you wanna scream but no words comes out, you wanna tell someone so they can help you but there’s no one. You begin to feel alone, you feel depressed. You begin to feel that pain growing so fast. You begin to do stupid thing to your self. You don’t want to […]

Your not the only thing that got broke and try to put the pieces back together.

Att: My heart