I am not going into full detail of all the shit that made me who I am today but I’ll give you a little summary.
I was bullied horribly and pretty severely at a private school with 100+ kids and 20 kids in the grade. You were with the same people your whole pre-k to 8th year.
I contemplated suicide at the age of 11 and still do. I wouldn’t let my mom leave because the thoughts of it were overwhelming. She didn’t leave without me but she didn’t take it seriously. I was really going to take a knife and stab myself in the stomach. She didn’t take me to a mental hospital or anything.
Now at 14, after 7 years of bullying and about 5 years of abuse I’m sick and tired of being mistreated. I’ve lost so many people in my life it’s sad. All of my friends have left me and the only person I can lean on can betray me like the rest.
I’ve grabbed the pills and the only thing I need to know is….how will my story end. I’ve thought about suicide my whole life and the saddest part is, I write stupid FF’s and I always want to end them but I give up. Kinda like how I am in life.
Anyways, I’ve lost all faith in God so don’t give me that. And asking for help is not an option. I have a pretty good relationship with my grandma but she thinks people with bipolar disorder are crazy and I can’t imagine what would happen if she found out I was suicidal and deeply depressed. Plus I’m pretty sure I’m bipolar as well.
My mom hates people who commit suicide and says its selfish. She even contemplated suicide but said “it was a joke. I stopped thinking about it after a couple of minutes.”
My mom likes to rub a lot of things in and it really sucks. My dad is the biggest asshole you’ll ever meet and my sister is a two-faced *****. So I have nothing to live for except my crusty stories.
Hopefully someone can give me some guidance on what type of prescription or some form of pills can kill. It’s the absolute ony way I can get rid of my unwanted self.
Thanks, D
6 comments
I’d say because of your age, to maybe wait a few years. There were times when I was your age and felt similarly. But things got better and I got to enjoy my life for a bunch of years. Now at 21 it kind of sucks again. So I guess I can’t really tell you what to do. But you’re so young and your brain is still forming and there’s a chance you WILL grow past this. So don’t give up hope just yet…
But in the case that you have given up all hope, unfortunately there’s no magic pill. It’s a lot messier and more painful than you can imagine. A Google search will show you this.
There’s also therapy and stuff for bullying. I had some of that myself when I was about your age so I understand how damaging it can be to your psyche. It’s the worst when the bully’s voices become your own internal voice and you believe what they say. I hope this hasn’t happened for you.
Wishing you the best D.
I’ve waited a long enough time, I think. I know I don’t have it bad or badder than anyone else but it always feels like it.
And it’s not just the bullying. It’s the emotional, verbal, and sometimes physical altercations and abuse I’ve had since 3rd grade with my mom and dad. I’ve, though I really hate it, have held on a long time. Last year was probably the absolute worst of my life.
You seem nice enough so I’ll explain: my mom ran out of credit card money to send me to private school so we had to switch to public school. One of my bullies, who turned everyone against me in an instant, went to the same school. The first day of school, I guess we “started over” and since we were both new we ate lunch together.
I met a really nice girl named Chelsea and we had the same passion in both music and writing. We became really close best friends. I told her of the drinking (of my mom) and how we always fought over the smallest of things and how sometimes it got physical and she told me a lot of crap about her past and present. She kept saying her dad was rich and her mom was a drug addict who left her. Later on she told me her mom died. She also said she had an eating disorder and she said she had dyslexia (yet she told me she was bad at math and copied my papers quickly and effortlessly as ever).
As the lies started building up I saw her growing attention towards my “former” bully, Rebecca. They soon became closer friends than her and I. She had blowed me off to sit with Rebecca and her friends a couple of times. And soon Rebecca was one of the most popular girls in school, again.
After a regular day I went to lunch to sit with Chelsea. As I sat next to her she smiled a bit.
“You told Adrian I liked him.” She told me.
“No I didn’t. What are you even talking about? Who told you that?” I asked, and I was obviously innocent. I knew nothing of what she was saying. She got up, still smiling, still amused and walked away.
“I know you did.” Might I add it was pretty obvious she liked him. They had Drama together, with me, and she always snickered when he went up and when he was by her or in her group. Ugh. I hate this story.
The next day I went up to her, still clueless on the subject and I thought it was some weird dream or something. Well anyways, I walked up to her and she left me once again. I screamed at her “I have a lot of dirt on you!” And she screamed back “is that a threat?” And I yelled back no.. I was scarred out of my mind. I was a fucking nerd and if I got that on my record I’d probably just die. Or at least I thought at that time.
So I found out she started spreading rumors. That I told a girl she had a cute bra, thus saying I was a lesbian, (I have no problems with anyone who is a lesbian, gay or questioning or transgender but the remarks she made were horrendous.) and I have a couple of things to say about these rumors…
She said I said that and that I broke a chair in Drama.
Okay 1st, she was wearing some frilly lingerie underwear and I commented that they were cute. She obviously took it into consideration and used it against me.
And second. I sat in a broken chair. Yes I’m a fucking fat girl but, I sat in a broken chair and we all laughed about it later..
Anyways, new rumors spread around and I sat alone. I was betrayed by several other friends almost exactly the same and I just couldn’t take it. Because we were friends we got lockers next to each other for gym…and I had to se her face every fucking day. And Rebecca had one close too because she was a fucking loser and she had no friends so she got one near me and stole my friend.
I’m ranting but after that I had fake friends and I trusted no one. I had rumors spilling about everything and anything that I did wrong so I was so thrilled to be going back to the rotten hell hole for a second year, not. Especially with my sister who is, rude and Tom boyish like beyond belief and we both have things to say about each other but a few things slipped out about me more than her.
Anyways, that’s just a part of my fucked up life. And it sounds so melodramatic but I told her everything, she didn’t care, and I was heartbroken. Now I cut I guess for satisfaction. I really was fucked up. Still am. And I know. My mom takes pain pills, (so when she’s drunk the mix makes her a horrible person) and I take them a lot.
I have taken them about 3 times this past 2 weeks and I almost killed myself with them but o can’t find the right amount of doseage to kill myself. I can’t cut deep because, I’m too scared. The pills or drinking bleach and that probably would be the only option.
I, I’ve thought about this a long while and I just don’t know how to live because every time I decide to keep fighting my parents and my sister treat me worse. It just hurts knowing that someone who’s supposed to love you can hurt you more than anyone else.
Idk but that’s my rant and life story and it might not hurt you but I was a clueless 12-13 year old and I knew nothing of anything or anyone.
I am alone now. And I don’t think I can stand it.
I’m 15, I was raped. Bullied. Abused. My mom tried to kill me if that gives you a picture of my past.
I’ve struggeled with PTSD. depression, insomnia, seizures, and all the other mental health problems the doctors have linked me up to. I take over 15 medicatins a day .
I feel numb, but please talk to me, I dont know you..
Or let alone if I’ll be of much assistance.
But I’ve seen a light at the tunnel all my life.
And I’m guessing you do to. Since I see you here on this site.
I feel guilty because I haven’t gone through probably half the pain you’ve went through. But I, I don’t know. I’ve tried so hard for so long. And sure I’ll talk to you. I probably could help you better than I can help myself.
Might I just say my opinion on you, You surprised me on how strong you are.
I’m here to talk to you, But I don’t think ending your life is the best answer. Being so young, even just growing up as a normal teenager can be our hardest times, But with all these things in your past, and even the events happening now, you must have a lot of anxiety and stress. I understand where you’re coming from, if I was in your position, I would want do to the same. Here to talk buddy
Good luck
Thanks. It’s great to know someone cares. And yeah I have tons of anxiety and stress in my life. It’s just so amazing. Like how you can be so considerate. You don’t know the basics of anything and you’re just so kind.
Yeah and I’m obviously new here so to anyone.. Do I email you or what? Or just comment. I have no problem with either. Just glad people care.