I’m tired if fighting. Why should I? We are all gonna die someday right so why not today? Today seems like a good day to leave. To leave all this pain and misery. There is no point in living only a point in dieing.

I feel like I have gone past the point where I was upset st the thought of suicide. I feel much more clinical about it now. It feels like managing a project , there are tasks I need to check off before I get to the final stage . I feel like ive lost the war and all that’s left is to tidy up the lose ends.

…

I really fucking hate the summer because it’s just a reminder of how alone I am. I don’t like anything and I don’t like anybody and I would just like to disappear now because I hate the nothingness of everything. I really thought that volunteering at the library most days would put a dent in my boredom and anger and sadness as a result of that boredom, but two hours a day is just not long enough. I don’t like anything right now and everything I find to do always bored me after five minutes, I can think of literally nothing I want to do. […]

I don’t know whats wrong, its like ive lost all motivation, i dont want to do anything, i dont care about anything, i feel like im just drifting through a world that doesnt accept me, and i dont know what to do.

I’ve been feeling like leaving this planet for years.  Suicide was always my only hope – the light at the end of the tunnel.  That dream one day it would all be over.

But then I realised I don’t have the guts to go through with it.  Living now with no exit route is the most painful existence.

I don’t really know what to say right now cause I don’t even know how to explain it. Basically I’m just more depressed than I’ve ever been and for the first time I don’t think its a matter of killing myself, but more just I have lost all hope and motivation to do anything. Which is completely not like me AT ALL. I’m in college now and it used to be the most important thing to me, getting my education and now it’s like I care but not enough to try anymore. My car broke down and I quit my job about 2 months ago. […]

Its 10 am .. And I still didn’t sleep.

To be honest, I’m really tired.

I’m tired of crying

I’m tired of yelling

I’m tired of pretending

I’m tired of being alone

I’m tired of being angry

I’m tired of being abused

I’m tired of feeling crazy

I’m tired of feeling stuck

I’m tired of needing help

I’m tired of missing things

I’m tired of missing people

I’m tired of being different

I’m tired of feeling worthless

I’m tired of feeling empty

I’m tired of dreaming about a life I will never have

But most of all,

I’m just tired of being tired.

I just wish my time is near.

Its been almost a year since I last posted here. I decided to get back on my feat and thankfully, I did. It was extremely hard to do tho. I went through drug/alcohol abuse for a fairly long time afterwards but Im fine now .. up until tonight. I started using cigarettes as a way to cope with my emotional pain. Anyway, I was smoking in the house tonight and forgot my ashtray in the bathroom. I still felt drained and depressed on most days but it was easier to cope with. My Dad (who also smokes) used my bathroom to wash his hands and […]

Maybe if we limited ourselves to 140 characters, like twitter limits a tweet, when we think about our problems we would be better able to get a handle on exactly what is the most pertinent problem facing us. I for one will consider way to many factors when I try to flesh out my problems.

For example:
“I am too anxious to go to school because I missed school the other day and my teachers will berate me. However, it is not my fault I have insomnia.”

This was actually part of the reason why I first tried to commit suicide. I did not quite understand it […]

I really don’t know what i am doing here today… feeling empty inside as usual.. dunno if i am here coz i want to die or coz i want to drive out the emptiness and start a new life… with all the existing things.  I don’t even understand what I am saying, so i don’t expect anybody else to understand or help me out…. all of this is Karma, i guess… I had opportunities and choices  and i ruined my life by passing up the opportunities and making the wrong choices again and again…

Is there a redemption for me? I don’t want to hear about […]

really angry and irritable for some reason. maybe it’s the heat. i am lonely yet i want to be alone. i am tired of talking. tired of being me. i have little patience for social niceties. i guess you would call that isolating myself. i am pretty good at that. i find myself lost in my head a lot these days. losing time. not paying attention to the here and now. seems like i am fading away. almost have myself convinced that my demise wouldn’t be a big deal. i wouldn’t be missed by too many people. there seems to be more times where i […]

I’ve been pretty unlucky in life. When I was a child I was raped. Then my sister and father left me and my mother. She started crying and drinking all the time and saying/doing fucked up stuff (like trying to stab me). A bunch of other stuff happened with religion and drugs and stuff that fucked me even more. Eventually I ended up with psychological problems including social anxiety, psychogenic pain and schizophrenia. In college I found a therapy that was very effective at treating these problems: schema therapy. It involved going back to childhood and fixing the problems at the source. As part of […]

I CAN’T TAKE LIFE ANYMORE, NOT AT ALL. I WANT TO DIE, I WANT TO DIE SO BAD, BECAUSE MY EMOTIONAL TRAUMA IS ALREADY KILLING ME. I FEEL A HOLE INSIDE OF ME, AND I CANT FILL IT. AND IS ALL MY FUCKING BROTHER’S FAULT. I WOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN HAVING THESE THOUGHTS IN THE FIRST PLACE, IF HE DIDN’T MAKE ME. ALL OF THE TIMES HE INSULTED ME, HARMED ME, KILLED ME, IS TOO MUCH. HE IS THE REASON EVERYTHING SUCKS IN MY LIFE. MY PARENTS WOULD OF NEVER DIVORCED, I WOULD OF NEVER HAD A BROKEN MIND,  I WOULD BE MUCH MORE HAPPY, KIRIN WOULD STILL […]