Enervated

I have no respect for hypocrites or abusive parents, and I have even less respect for those who are both….

Ironically, my parents are more the type to baby me … I finally got done with a nearly two-month period of seeing a counselor every week, and I felt like a total ***** for being forced to see a counselor (forced by the school board because they thought I was a psychopathic Satan-worshiping potential murderer because of some jokes I’d slipped in front of a teacher … fuck, it’s better than getting fucking arrested and held in jail for months before a trial can be done like that one 17- or 18-year-old, forgot how old he is…. Poor bastard….). The ironic thing is, he kept having sessions with me because he felt like he needed to dig deeper to find the root of the issue, which he diagnosed as mainly a “responsibility issue” or “attitude issue,” something like that … what I never told him about, and what should have been blatantly obvious had he asked me the simple question, “Do you have any friends?” is the fact that I have none…. I was glad when he finally ended the sessions until a follow-up session that’ll be in December. Hope that I’m still alive when that happens….

Honestly, my suicide would just prove right all the assumptions people make about me at school, that I’m just that kid with no life and no friends who’s gonna kill himself before he graduates high school. It would support the stereotype of that metalhead who has no life and commits suicide, and needs heavy music to make him feel tough. It would also fit the stereotype a lot of Christians use of the guy who knows that God is real and is going to judge him and “runs from God” and/or the guy who has no purpose in life when he realizes that “God” doesn’t exist. (I don’t deny the possibility of a deistic God, however, One who created the universe and didn’t interfere with it afterward.) My body would cost a ton of money to bury too.

And I would never have a chance again to live. Ever.