still building the wall

really angry and irritable for some reason. maybe it’s the heat. i am lonely yet i want to be alone. i am tired of talking. tired of being me. i have little patience for social niceties. i guess you would call that isolating myself. i am pretty good at that. i find myself lost in my head a lot these days. losing time. not paying attention to the here and now. seems like i am fading away. almost have myself convinced that my demise wouldn’t be a big deal. i wouldn’t be missed by too many people. there seems to be more times where i don’t care about the mess i would leave behind. maybe that’s the anger talking. kind of a fuck everybody attitude. taking a therapy holiday. by what i have written i should be getting my butt into the office asap. but i won’t. between the insurance company and the office i am being jerked around. again. so i am in no hurry to go back. maybe sometime next month. i don’t know. what difference does it make? none.  he left his gun sitting right in front of me. the draw to it is powerful. seems almost pavlovian. he puts it away and i stop drooling… high again and no longer feel like wallowing  in suicidal melodrama. catch ya later