I put the gun in my mouth. I count to five. Each second goes by like hours in a day. 4 I flash thru memories those that were good those that were bad 3 a strange calm washes over me like it’s already over. 2my body tenses once more before it goes limp forever 1 it’s time my heart beat gets bigger. I pull the trigger… I’m still here the gun didn’t go off. What’s this mean. I try again nothing each click teasing and taunting one more second I get taunted by life. I can’t even die. Fuck

I’ve got to cut or I’ll start crying. I don’t enjoy either though. It’s tough to figure out which one I will do and not regret doing. But I always regret crying but I never regret cutting.

I’m definitely gonna cut tonight. Then it would be the third time for the day. Cutting helps me calm down and breath when I’m frustrated.

But there is one damn thing I don’t get. It’s when girls cut themselves for boys or for popularity or for people to like them more. It’s just so stupid. It’s like kicking dog for no reason (I know stupid example).Which is stupid.I’m just putting that […]

I don’t even think people honestly care enough about me to read, but here I go..

I’m still getting worse. I feel like it’s going to be worse than last time. Last time I was threatened with the hospital  This time I might be forced to go. Everything is going downhill. Frank’s back. Doesn’t speak though. He only watches now. When I’m outside it’s terrible. I feel like someones there with a gun or a knife, coming to kill me, but every time I turn, no ones there. It seems now, that there is a person there, just waiting, following me around.Invisible. Waiting for the right time,right place. Each day is worse […]

Slowly fading away lost in so afraid where is the hope in a world so cold, life  is full of bull shit no one their to listen when you need some1 all I do is just push people away that do try to help, ha I guess im a fck up person been thru so much n still same shit like always, still doing the crazy shit to myself, but people won’t care so why live?? I always ask my self that but all ima do iz just hurt the ppl that loves mi

Tired of everything being my fault seriously everything wrong in this relationship is my fucking fault there isn’t anything I can do right. I stopped caring awhile ago according everyone around me. They are right it’s all that’s worked for me. It’s what I know now. How do I change who I am? Do I even wanna change who I am? Not really I kinda like me for once. I know I can be an ass but I’m also pretty awesome. I’m such an ass cuz I feel so jaded. I feel like I’ve been held back and pinned down I want freedom and independence. […]

I’ve lost.
For months I’ve been playing russian roulette with my best friend. When wouldn’t she be there when I would need her.. Well, now. I will most likely fail but I will try to take my life tonight. Don’t stop me I want this and I probably don’t have the balls to do it anyway xs Cus I’m weak as always xs

Your just a snake in the grass I’m just a hunter set to destroy your world,hide all you want cause I’ll burn it all to the ground. Watch your tongue and the lies it spouts. When I’m done with you,there’ll be nothing left but your skin on my belt. You could never match me that’s why your in that hole while I stand above you, looking down with a smile on my face. Heh heh let’s make it rain! Step up so I can knock you back down This is what it sounds like…

When — you–die
Pick me up off the ground
Forgive me for what I’ve […]

When I’m gone let my love carry on

Give it wings and let it fly
Help it change lives
I’ve given my all and have nothing left to give.

I’ve no regrets my only fault was not fighting hard enough
And holding on too loosely

Now I’m lost these demons have taken hold
They’re dragging me down into this hell of my own soul
Fuck I can’t get away

When I’m gone let my love carry on
Give it wings and let it fly
Help it change lives
I’ve given my all and have nothing left to give.

I’m alive ! It’s the biggest lie I’ve ever told myself! I died but I say I’m alive!
I’ve taken my […]

Some of you know me as CL on ******. I got everything I need now to exit this world. Well, unless I get stopped that is or chicken out. All I have to say is that if you dont hear back from me in the next few days to a week then I’m either in Hospital or gone for good. I wish you all a fond farewell. You think I might be crying or something when I’m typing this but I have no emotion in me what so ever. Just need to write some notes now. Peace xxx

What’s life when you live it alone? Lost with no home. Call but nobody picks up the phone. The ones you’ve loved have left. They say they did it to help you so how’s that make sense? So now your against the fence. What do you do keep moving on hoping it gets better. But it so much easier to let it all go just to let all fall. Fuck it just let it hang out. Take those pills smoke that shit drink down till it’s all gone. And when the bottle is empty so is ur mind u can escape this time even if […]

I went to open mic like I always do. waited, waited waited. and finally i went up to read my poetry. and hey guess what, I collapsed on the floor. Turns out (these are the doctor’s words) “You need to eat food, without food you’ll die. here have a carrot.” like dude wtf i’m not eating a carrot, I don’t like carrots. bye. sigh being in the hospital is quite fun. I’m just glad I have my phone so I can get on this site. otherwise I would try jumping out the convieniently placed window by the bed. And of course the nurse got all […]

I’ve made up my mind. I don’t know if my parents will see this. Anyone feel free to email my mom this;
kira5605@yahoo.com

Dear Mom,
I can’t do this anymore. I know it’s hard for you to take care of me while living with dad. He’s un grateful and cruel. He hits both of us. I hate seeing you hurt. He always tells me that his life would have been better if I wasn’t born. If it was just you and him, no one else. Because of that, I think it’s the only way to keep you from hurting. I love you dearly. I want you […]

I know I’m new here.  I’ve had these thoughts in my head for years, but no one understands me.  My meds are off.  I’m trying new ones, but they aren’t working fast enough.   Every med I’ve tried either doesn’t work or has side effects that are worse than the damn depression.  Therapists have never worked.  I’ve never found one that I liked or trusted.  I’m afraid that the first one I talked to honestly would dump me in a looney bin or have me forcibly committed.  So I can’t open up to them.  Basically, everything in my relationship is my fault.  Everything.  When I try […]

I need someone to talk to about everything and not be judge but i can’t talk to my mom because she would get so worried about me and my dad isn’t in there. He left with my stepmom to England and only visits on my birthday and sends money every month. So he really doesn’t know me that well 🙁  I can’t take to my siblings because they would tell mom and then again she would get worried. I can’t talk to my friends ‘cus I have no true friends 🙁

So really there is no one for me to talk to and trust them to not make […]

My family told me 2 days ago. Two days ago was my birthday. Well, my family were the only one who congratulated me in person, the one I love just send a SMS, well she wanted to go ice-skating with me on my birthday, my family hold me back from meeting her. Got no friends who congratulated me in person. 🙁 All I recognized is that she went to lunch with an other guy, after all the weekends we ate together. I don’t know why this makes me so sick and jealous. It is now nearly one year ago that she rejected me.

All I learned […]

For ten years I’ve messed around with my brain. I was never happy and I’m still not. I’ve lost almost everything that matters.

Last night I woke up screaming. I was asleep, had JUST fallen asleep, and in my ‘dreams’ I was talking on the phone when I had a seizure. It felt so real. I fell forward, unable to reach the phone just staring at it. Finally I screamed. And that woke me up. This happens all the fucking time.

I laid there and I realized, the dreams really aren’t that bad. Even that terror that I feel at the last minute before the screaming wakes me, at […]

I feel like I’m in need for a confession right now. I don’t have friends to talk about my depression nor I know of any other place to open up about how I feel, so might as well write here. I feel though that this is completely pointless, publicly announcing my thoughts and such, since hundreds of others share the same story as I do. I’m in desperate need of opening up anyways so here we go.

So just like any other typical depressed person, I was bullied for years, starting from age 10. I was bullied for my looks inside and outside of school. I […]

its my birthday. . and im all alone. . .no friends. . no love. . no nothing. . just me. .

im spending my birhtday on omegle and chatroulette. . . how big a loser could i be. . ? i lost everything. . .

i lost my love. . i lost my mind. . i lost my integrity. . i lost my tears. . i lost time. . i lost my friends. .

only two people have wished my on my birthday till yet. . only two people. . only two . . . =) its 1:40 am on the 5th of Jan here . . im […]

I can’t talk to anyone that I know personally. I feel alone, unloved, unwanted… Not heard. I’m crying out for help, no one can hear me 🙁