Hi i am Naja (pronounced Ny-uh) and i am going to tell you people out there why i want to commit the big S. Ever since i was four, my life was terrible, i knew i was different… i just thought the other kids would accept me for who i am. I will name a few,  Demetreus Toddman, Zach Conners, Logan Moss, the 3 main knives through my heart. I am 11 and they STILL bully me. i am fat, ugly, smelly, i have A.D.D.,i am weird strange and i LIKE to listen to depressing things. The point is, no one cares about me, and […]

I came here because i was having trouble in my life. I wanted something to cheer up and I found it but only for a little while. I first wanted to post blog but decided after that I was not going to post it yet. So I had gone to chat and I talked for a little while.

It was nice sometimes. I found enjoyable topics. Sometimes it moved fast or people said confusing thing. However I was banned and very confused. I never got to tell my story.

My mom sometimes says I am a man of many ways. I find the way always. always. Now […]

hey mom, hey dad

dont look so sad

its not too bad

in fact its more than ive ever had

hey bullet meet gun

im not their son

i just cant run

but its still more than ive ever done

hey bullet meet brain

i went insane

i can’t feel the pain

and love was still my final bane

hey blood meet floor

mom shut the door

i am no more

im free to soar

I need someone to talk to.. Help me. Please.

FML
I hate my life
I am free
But not free
But free fromAFAR
One day I will be
Free
But I’ll cut too deep
I’ll be dead

Please.. I beg you to stop blaming me for this.. You don’t realize it hurts so bad when you do.. What makes you think I would want myself to suffer like this? I’m starting to dislike you.. And I was just starting to like you again. Soon enough I’ll be gone.. Away from you. Far enough to not be remembered. But I won’t be sad about it, and neither should any of you. I’m already invisible to many. Today’s my birthday. 17.. I made it. Yes. My grandmas remembered.. Both of them and my mother.. No phone calls. Nothing. Maybe my thoughts will get the […]

Ive had a horrible life ffrom the get go. I was bullied and made fun of all thru grade school for my family being poor. Ive been raped. Beaten. I was never taught to deal with emotion just to shut it out and let it bottle up until i explode from it.  Im insecure and have no sense of self worth. I huffed gasoline for ten years to try and shut out the pains of my lif and it messed my brain up the doctors sad it looked fine on any test they did but i know something s wrong and noone will listen.  I […]

January needs to come

Theirs times I just want to sit down and cry
Theirs time I just want to lay down and die
These memories and pains are scard inside
My feelings are Somthing I just cannot deny

I feel alone, I’m stuck in my past
Ohh how I wish these feelings won’t last
I have no family, I have no one
I have nothing, all I need is a gun…

I want to die
Ohh well I might take my own life
I don’t understand why people lie

Ohh lord just kill me now
Give me a Gun, so it can say POW POW!
If I’m finally gone
Heaven will […]

And no idea how to change it. Is it wrong that I come here to feel normal? To feel like I actually belong? No one wants to know me in real life, unless they need me to do something, or want sex! Apparently it’s one of the few things I do well 🙁 in the last 2 weeks I’ve slept with 2 different guys, one of whom has a girlfriend of 2 years, I’ve fancied him for ages and really thought that would be the turning point, he’d actually see me and be with me. But of course not, I’m not good enough for that! […]

— while I typed that I heard the melody of a song Muspelhem wrote once in my head.

I think I should look more into hanging. There are no other sensible options.

I stood on the trainstation again today. I went home and I looked at all the trains passing by. And I felt this urge to just run across the platform and jump. I always freeze. My heart will start racing and I can feel the adrenaline rushing through my body. Yet I cannot move.

Fuck.

I wish I had more courage.

Ive decided 7 months ago..January will be the month, right after new years cuz i wanna party, get so fukkD up for new years then go out with a bang..lol Not to mention have plenty of sex, which i get anyway.. but im gonna get more then ever b4 these last two months… so my plan is simple… take a large quantity of pain meds, then hang.. or gp get the charcol gas grill and use it in my car, which is painless and quick… damn… cant wait… hopefuly il make it two more months, stleasy to see obama get re elected.

It’s been a pretty intense day. I’m at a pretty low ebb and all day I’ve felt really emotional. Mainly just really sad, it comes over me in a wave and makes me feel nauseous, and I want to cry. Cutting through that, I find myself smiling and laughing cos shit is so absurd 🙂 I’m a big beiliever in people and people have been really good to me today, very patient and kind. I think that maybe they can sense that I need that at the moment without realsing it. It takes about ten minutes to walk to my car after work and I […]

I’m new to this. So I’m just gonna start of with this. I don’t even know why I try to be happy anymore. All I am is just a worthless piece of shit. I’m no good for anything so I may as well just kill myself already. I’ve never actually attempted but I’ve been so close so many times. Many suicide notes have I written, just waiting for someone to read them as I’m just laying there dead. I fucking wish that for just one day I can be genuinely happy. I think that the only reason I still live is because of my seven […]

I want to reach out.  I want to lend a hand. I want to have a voice. I want to reassure that I understand.  My mind betrays me.  Words refuse to work for me, to fall into the places that sound like I want them to be.  I’m sorry that I can only silently lurk around in the sounds of your pain, muddling in the same hopeless space, a mixed swill of tears and helplessness.  I feel useless though I want to be here for you.  You are lost, but are not unheard.

I am sorry. I am weak.  But I am here.  You may not […]

Conversation..

Person 1: what are those scares from?
Me: These scars? There battle scars.
Person 2: what or who where you battling?
Me: myself.

so this is my last post, and it my goodbye post. i guess this just got to hard and all hope inside has died. to all you people out there do not give up fighting you deserve to be happy and live, but i on the other hand do not. ive planned how and when as the last time i did not plan failed. i am doing it in 4 days as i need to get ready and write my goodbyes to family and make things right. the reason why im doing it is because im in physical and emotional pain nd its to hard, and […]

Suicide thoughts are just that thoughts, anyone crieing out about this needs help, as very few will even attept it. I on the other hand am way beyound it, and now found a more appropriate measure stay here and engulf the punishment inflick as much pain and long as possible. This will kept you isolated within your own mind, until !!!

I’m always trying to make everybody proud
But theirs this voice in back of my mind that is loud
Telling me “you’re worthless , you’re nothing, you can never be someone”
So I focus on the negatives, not knowing how amazing I’ve become.

I try to do my best everyday
But why can’t this voice just drift away?
The more I hear “you can’t do it”
I start to believe it
So the bottom of the Hole I hit.

I can’t find my way out
Nobody can hear me pleading when I begin to shout
“oh god help me please,
Give me the power to be released” […]

I don’t want to tell my life story or seek attention, I’ve always been told all of us women are attention whores & drama queens. I try to avoid being either. So I’ll just say this, I would like to cut myself up as much as possible & die in my fathers bed. He is the core of my screwed emotional state I’m in, but I make it no better because I am immature & dumb. That’s all.