I hate my life so much, ever since I was a little kid I’ve been a fat ugly bastard, I got tormented about it all the way from 1st grade up until sophomore year of high school. My junior year I started getting violent, I started listening to heavier music and would go to shows just to hit people, I wanted everyone to know that I wasn’t their little ***** anymore, I made sure I never left a show until I beat the shit out of someone. I come home almost every day and get yelled at by my dad, calling me out on my […]

I have been in an almost constant manic episode for weeks.

Usually they dont last this long. Im not sure why this is lasting so long.

I really am always surprised whenever I think I have hit rock bottom and I just keep on sinking and sinking.

It feels like bottomless pit.

With no possible way to get out of it.

I cannot sleep and I need to recharge my THC battery. I have to leave the house to do that. And I really wish I could. My anxiety is preventing me to go downstairs. I cannot leave. I am pathetic as fuck. Pathetic and disgusting. For fucks sake.

If anyone ever wants to talk my email is ashleyluvkittens@aol.com

well, i’ve barely been eating for about 2 weeks, and everyday i run a mile, wrestle for 2 hours, and play football for 2 hours, i’ve had about 5 hours of sleep in all, my girlfriend broke up with me, and all i want is the one thing i can’t find…………my knife

i’ve been cutting for years, but today was the first time i’ve had to literally mop up after myself

i feel sick and i’m scared that i lost so much blood when i wasn’t trying anything serious

i feel nauseous and light-headed and scared

i don’t know what to do

my arm’s wrapped in a towel and i’m not bleeding, but i’m still scared

I always feel lonely. Sometimes I crave for human contact. I dont know how to get it. I ***** about people trying to get attention the wrong way but I dont know what the right way is.
Do you say to a person “Im lonely. I feel like talking. ” ?
what do you do?
Sitting and hoping someone will notice me and talk to me is useless. I know that.

So, why do I sit here, every day, hoping someone will notice me and talk to me?

I’ve set my date. It’s tomorrow.

I’ve set it so many times before. I keep putting it off. Dragging my feet. But life isn’t looking like sparkles anytime soon. Well, not life in general. Just me. Life could be sparkles. I don’t think I can see it again though. I’ve lost the art of experiencing joy. There’s no point not living; existing and living are two different things, and I can’t bear the former. Can’t walk the edge of the knife forever. Have to choose a side at some point.

When I look out the window, it’s fall. Fall is my favorite season. The air is crisp, and I […]

I cut again today. It’s been 2 months since I last cut. I don’t know what happened I was feeling happy one minuete then I just got so upset because I remembered something someone said today. one of my own friends is always complaining and then when I complain once she says all I ever do is complain. and I realized what I think about myself. Every time I see myself in the mirror I feel like smashing it. I’m a fat, fucking ugly as hell I hate myself because I’m a stupid son of a ***** who can’t do any damn thing rightI am a […]

Whats the point of hanging on? Does it get any better? I’ve been hanging on, but nothing is getting any better. I just don’t see the point of fighting through all of these emotions only to feel like crap every single second of every single day. Is there a reason for me to stay? Cause I honestly can’t see the point of living anymore and I don’t want to either. I seriously 100% believe that suicide is what is right.

Everyone Fakes. They fake the smile, the happiness, the caring part no one actually cares about you. That’s why no one will care if I die.

tired

ignored

forgotten

stupid

broken

alone

scarred

cut

bare

done.

These past few weeks have been tough. I got help, got a counsler, and I’m switching from public school to cyber school. I expected some things to be a little better… Nothing is, except the fact that in about two weeks I won’t have to get up five days a week and go to school. I’ll miss some people. I’m still extremely suicidal. But at least now I geuss people are aware. I’ve been having horrible anxiety attacks. Sleep insomnia is my new best friend. Even though I hate it. Nothing’s got better. Getting help does absolutely nothing.

Even if i fucking hung myself today, I seriously don’t think anyone would give a fuck. My mum and dad, they’d get over it, cry at the burial and then move on with their lives. My friends pfft, like anyone would even turn up to say goodbye yeah cos i  don’t even have real friends. Everyone that knew my name, oh Rip teenage girl, and then not give a fuck. Seriously don’t think I would  be missed. I don’t believe i need to be part of the world.

Pretending has become a daily routine. Pretending to be happy, to be normal, to be me. When inside I’m breaking, shattering, cracking. Nobody knows me as the sad one. Everyone knows me as the one who makes everyone happy. If I’m not wearing a smile on my face people ask me what’s wrong. Maybe I just don’t want to wear that stupid fake smile anymore. Maybe I’m tired of making everyone else happy when I don’t have happiness. Maybe I’m so sick and tired of having to hold everyone else above water when I’m the one drowning. It’s so super hard being this person. The […]

Here, I wanted to share this with you.
While you stay, sit and bask in the sun.

It is my favorite place to go.

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_mL05yyBoGJk/S-bepBQnXpI/AAAAAAAAAGM/2XH_OXfA8bc/s1600/123.jpg

Everything is a joke. Everyone’s feelings, everyone’s jobs and life and family, it’s all a joke. This is how a person is expected to live life: Born (to parents who are married and of the same race, with good jobs and a big house. You were a planned child, of course) You go through school with one sibling 2 years apart from you. You go through school, participating in sports and make good grades. You go through college, majoring in some 4 year degree and having an occasional bullshit party. Your college is paid for by your almost retired parents, of course. You find your […]

Life feels pointless. There are no words. I could die now and not feel a thing.

my parents seperated when i was six. since then, my mother has been trying to make my life a living hell. i lived with my dad, stepmom and their 3 children until recently, but higher authority decided i need to live with my mother. shes abusive and an alchohol addict. plus her boyfriend abuses me and my brother whenever he ‘feels like it’. we are trapped her for a maximum of two YEARS. i cannot live like this. were not even allowed to contact my dad. nobody will give me any anwers, but they expect me to give them many. my bestfriend left me when […]

I don’t always love myself. Sometimes I don’t even know why other people like me so much, but I don’t know what to say. I’m trying damn it, I’m trying. Taking in each moment, and never holding on to anything that does not benefit me in any way. Someday I’ll surpass this struggle and life will never be “in the box”.

I guess I am just unnoticed where ever I go, I might as well get used to it.