its all blurry. my eyes are puffy. from crying so much. i sat by my window and stared at the dying tree. its beautiful. my apartment is so freaking cold. im supposed to “be up” at 9:30. no one knows this pain of mine. tomorrow in front of everyone i will look and act fine. he just sleeps through it all. my pacing. my silent tears. he doesn’t understand anymore. i remember when me and him were the same. he has been in this place too. but now he doesn’t cut or wish for death. he reads the bible and keeps himself busy. but when he sees me upset he gets […]
so i called a suicide helpline today when i was down. We talked, they had me promise to call back, i did, we made a deal, i would go to a crisis center later today and get some help.
So i finally get to sleep and at 2am cell phone, private number. The helpline called the cops, told them to pick me up and take me to the hospital
So i just spent an hour explaining to this cop that no i’m ok, i got a plan, talked to a social worker, going to a crisis center.
Had to turn my phone off to get rid of him.
I […]
Here I am once again. I keep telling myself “I’m going to post here everyday. Im going to keep going. I will survive” Ect ect. But. Not with whats going down now…Lost my job. No more income. Supposed to be out of my place by Jan 7th..but i have nowhere to go. Lost someone close…but she doesn’t matter anymore,told myself to forget. People tell me it will be okay. SHE told me it would be okay. Thats BS. How is one supposed to think shit will be okay,with the inevitable? Jan 7th. thats my deadline. If i can’t find a job,can’t find somewhere to go…I’m […]
I’m in my 30s. I’ve been depressed my entire life; my first memories are as early as 2 or 3, of me standing in my crib screaming my head off, wondering why my mother won’t come to me. But neither my mother nor my father ever really did. They managed to care and provide for me very well, and still be emotionally negligent and abusive. Even now, I have the emotional development of a 15 yr old. Waiting, always waiting. Lingering and hovering around my mom – I live with her now – hoping for an opportunity to sit with her, be with her, even […]
I had the idea quite awhile ago that I will get a tattoo to represent each thing that has saved my life and kept me alive. I already have my first tattoo, which is the beginning of this process. That way, when I look at the tattoo, I’m reminded of why I’m alive.
Here’s my list, starting with the bigger influences and moving on to the little things. Keep in mind that I come up with new ideas once in awhile.
1. Copper, my basset hound from when I was a kid. That dog was my baby, she passed away when I was 16. I have […]
I ran away from my home, in Austin, at 15 to my 16 year-old boyfriend’s house in Dallas. I left behind my family, my friends, and everything I had known in my life on a whim for someone I’d known for a month. He convinced me that my life at home was dangerous because of my dad’s abusive past and I’d be better off with him. To me, he was everything, he was my world. I knew for a fact I couldn’t live without him now that I had him. I was addicted, consumed. I didn’t make it to Dallas, however. A police officer found […]
Birthdays are so much fun. I had the best birthday ever. Yeah, it was great.
I guess it actually wasn’t that bad. I was sick all day, but I got some nice gifts, had a lovely dinner with my family (minus brother) and didn’t run into any fights or issues. But at the same time, it was brutal. My insides feel like they need to come out. It’s been like this for a few days now. I can’t eat. It’s almost painful. But I’m not “sick”. It’s not an upset stomach or the flu, it’s impossible to explain. It just feels like my body is telling […]
Sometimes I wish I’d never met you, so instead of being heartbroken every time you turned your back, just to come back like everything’s okay, I wish I’d never had to sit there and listen to you lie. You’re the reason I have no self-respect. I wish you’d abandoned me long ago instead of making me live through hell in your eyes every day. As much as you want me to forget, I never could. You hit him so hard across the face he couldn’t hear for damn near a week! I have scars from when you threw a PLATE at my head! Do you […]
In my dreams, I always dreamt I cut myself so deep that I’d lay there dying in an ocean of my own blood. For so many nights, I dreamed IÂ bled more than normal, I dreamt I lay there as the life blood flows from my body. It always has the same end. Everyone I loved runs in my room in blinding fury. They look at me with deadly smiles and wicked eyes. Charging towards my barely conscience body, they reach into my skin and rip out my veins. And I scream…I scream so loud over their animalistic laughter. I’m drowning in my own blood, but […]
You never even think about me. You’re just strangers living in the same house. The girl you think I am doesn’t exist! I wanted to cry, but never could. No matter how lonely I was, or how sad, you never even tried to understand. Ever since my brother left, I was always, always, ALWAYS ALONE! But I don’t care anymore. My heart has created a prison to shelter me.
Shut up. Leave me alone. I don’t need anything or anyone anymore. Just go away. Go away. I don’t want to feel anymore pain or suffering. Leave me alone! Wouldn’t it be great if you could live […]
I know i’m not the only one whose life is messed up but i’ll just get it over with and tell the story…
It started it out when i was in 8th grade, my mom started to cheat on my dad, which i promised her i wouldn’t tell. (bad idea)It got worse, I later found out that my dad had depression not only him but my older sister and then there’s me. My dad got obsessed with my mom until she decided to leave him not only did it made him sad but it made him suicidal. I feared for him mostly because I later found out that […]
I see the dishes clatter and fall.
I feel your breath on my face as you scream at me.
You hit my face.
My arms.
My ears.
I taste my salty blood.
At least the ringing in my ears is gone.
I see mother crying
Almost as if she’s begging you to stop.
You swing at me again.
My face to the floor.
How do I explain these bruises?
I won’t tell.
I won’t tell.
I’ll just smile to the wary eyes.
I’ll just wave it off.
No big deal.
No one will know your problem.
I don’t know why I exist
But maybe I’ll live to […]
Its unbelievably stupid. If you cut, you’re “emo”. If you like the color black, it makes you “goth” or “emo”. If you happen to be a fan of the Star Wars series, you’re labeled as a “nerd”. You play video games? It makes you a fat person with no life. If you’ve been in a lot of relationships people call you a “slut” or “whore.” And if you’re suicidal, you could be known as crazy or insane or something of the nature.
 I hate everything about labeling. People can’t treat others like they’re human? They have to supply a certain name for them? When somebody labels […]
I have fucked so much shit up. I deserve to die. My parents fight because of me….my dad gave me a black eye today. My mom tried to to stop him from wailing on me…..and it was my fault. Why couldn’t I just shut my damn mouth? Even though i was in the right, why couldn’t i just swallow my pride, shut my damn mouth, and say i was wrong?
I want to cut so bad. I just want to feel something other than this pain inside. This sense of worthlessness, and being completely alone. Here Is my advice to you ( I don’t even know […]
The world seems to evolve around money. I hate it so much but i cant stop feeling that i dont have it and that i need it or i dont have a reason to live. Yeah, maybe there might be more to the world than money, but that just isnt the case for many people, like me. Honestly, i like money. Who dosent though? I hate seeing my parents struggle for money. I hate that they have to work so hard and i have to suffer from the lack of money. I dont have anything left for me exept school and my brain. I want […]
This note is really long, so only read if you’re prepared. This is my story and how I feel. If you have something negative to say, please don’t say it. I’m not really sure what exactly I put in this note because i wrote it on a different site a few days ago, but I still feel the same. Sorry if there is any cussing and just to let ya know… This note wasn’t finished. I have many other things that trouble me daily, but I got tired of writing…
I don’t see the point in life anymore. I’m not even sure if i’m Christian anymore. […]
I tried the dilaudid/ativan cocktail, i  threw too much of it up.
I’ve found a better more effective way.
And to anyone who thinks killing themselves is the easy way out, if that were true i’d have done this years ago.
Deciding to ends one life is a very serious matter.
PS if you wanna die, don’t reach out to any of those help lines, they’ll just try and find you to send an ambulance.
BUt thanks for listening last night. If made me feel half human again to hear your comments.
Maybe just for today.. Maybe it’s all a dream. Who knows? Maybe I’m just finally coming off all of those shit drugs that I want so much..
Today at work I just kept teasing my manager. It’s all I ever really do with that manager lol. He’s only like 23, and last year on Canada Day we all had to work and went out drinking after. I just kept laughing. Haha. He always just takes all the teasing. Doesn’t really do much. Always looks so miserable.  Still, I can’t remember laughing that much in a long time.
But yeah, just thought I’d check in. Peace out? lol
It seems here are a lot of good people here, each with there own difficulties but often trying to help others, which i find interesting and very positive.
Why doesn’t everyone just list and then at their own discretion add each other to email or msn etc so they can talk more regularly when and if they need to. Electronic Communications can be a wonderful thing. Try be positive with each other, even in the face of adversity.
Life is not perfect, it’s how we handle adversity that defines us most. I like the idea of grace under pressure. Few can do it. Everyone is going to […]
Please do not think suicide is an option. There are so many ways to cope when going through a crisis. Ever since my friend died, I have dedicated the rest of my life to helping spread my story.
RIP JP-