Well I turned down the job offer from that defense start up. I kept putting it off because it was the first job offer I got from a legit engineering company. It hurt. But I’m not going to help create a system meant for killing people. Especially not for the Trump administration. Now I probably won’t get lucky again for another 4+ months. I hate this. I think the scariest thing is maybe if I didn’t turn it down and ended up working for them, I wouldn’t feel anything about what I did. I clearly have a […]

Why do we have to use drugs, which have bad side effects, because reality sucks? If reality was great, we wouldn’t need these things.

Today was my father’s birthday. All we did was go out to eat and have a cake my mom made. He doesn’t need a whole lot. It was my family and my Grandma. Once we had the cake and my grandma was ready to leave to go home, she gave me this bookmark with a prayer on it. Prayer to St. Anthony. She’s a devout Catholic. People have been treating me different lately. I don’t ever feel the need to fake being happy when I’m clearly not, so people can tell when something is “wrong” with me. […]

Am I suicidal?

I have so much control over my self harm impulses. Monday I was put to the test by the job market, and I don’t know if I like how it came out, but because I have people to care for the self harm and suicidal impulses lost. However I came out without hurting myself, at least physically. I beat myself up a significantly emotionally and mentally, not that anyone apart from my care team cares.

Here’s the deal; I’m supposed to be this talented, skilled and intellectually capable somewhat young person, willing to work and all the things that society says should be able […]

I just don’t have anymore motivation to apply for jobs. I already didn’t want to go into industry, now I’m not even welcome there. Originally I didn’t think it would be too difficult to find some mid company to work for and do the bare minimum for. I have these moments of arrogance that go completely against my extreme lack of self confidence. I get the crippling anxiety that comes with no confidence with the shortsightedness of my arrogance. There are literally no companies that I find interesting to work for. They all just blend together saying and doing […]

That is a lot of days. One thousand, six hundred, and seventy one.

I have nearly killed myself accidentally by self medicating. I have almost been killed, and I have never quite carried through with plans to kill myself. I have chosen life 16071 days and that is something to be proud of.

I chose life on the worst of days. I chose life on the best of days. I chose life for whatever reason, but mostly because I loved a person/s so much that I could not inflict the level of pain I felt onto them, because I decided to stop choosing life.

And the worst fear […]

Would you do it?
a- What if you saw yourself even worse off and depressed than now?
b- What if you saw yourself having a meh life- not great but not bad
c- What if you saw yourself having a happy, great life?

Daylight savings genuinely ruin my mental health. I usually wake up later in the morning, around 11 am, not by choice but due to my awful circadian rhythm.

Anyways, due to this I get at most, like, 5-6 hours of daylight before it’s pitch black again. I genuinely hate living in a densely populated city, the light pollution is so intense that there’s no night sky at all. Horribly depressing. There’s no seasons here either, I live in the south where I get to choose between summer, summer 2, or summer with occasional leaves falling.

Afterwards, my dad gets home from work to blast Fox News all […]

I’m inching closer to being quarter of a century old, two years shy in fact. Yet I have no accomplishments or major goals in life. Around this time, people would be graduating college and finding employment, but here I am in my state of arrested development, hiding in my room. I had thought I’d be far, far away from home by now. Either that or I wouldn’t make it to see eighteen, but I was too fearful to make either choice. I’ve been waiting around a week for a job to call me back after an interview, but the more time passes the […]

That thing, is toilets, or actually, chamber pots.

So our idiot president decided to renovate the Lincoln Bathroom in the White House, spending tax payer money on a stupid project while millions starve during a government shutdown he created which is a whole other rant. The point is that he redid it in white marble with gold accents, and his claim was that this was more close to what Lincoln would have had than what was there before.

For the record, what was there before was an art deco bathroom put in in the 1940s when modern plumbing was introduced to the White House.

So you know what […]

What is the exact threshold of pain a person needs to pass before they commit? I mentioned before therapists have described my suicidal ideation as a safety blanket. Something I turn to to feel comfortable when things are hard. The idea that I have an exit was soothing. But as much as I fantasize, I never actually do anything. All these years and I’ve never had a legitimate suicide attempt. Don’t know if fear or hope or stubbornness has held me back. Last year I got the bright idea to find the threshold. Throw myself completely and totally […]

If you read this, Jenil. Stay in contact with people if you can. Keep talking to people.  I love you so much. You are amazing. This world needs you.  I need you too..  hit me up on FB, if you can see this

Anyone who cares, he’s still here. Please reach out and help him to stay. I beg you.  His name here is jenbrown

He turned it in with like 2 hours to spare. Fucking ridiculous. Whatever. Putting off sending him another email cause I need to remind him about the second reference letter he needs to write and I feel like that will just annoy him more than my dozen reminder emails. Got to do it today though.

So I’ve only really though about passively dying but lately things have gotten so bad that I I’m starting to look for routes. Haven’t done that since I came up with the chemical asphyxiation plan last year. I’m starting to stare at all […]

I gave him a two month notice. Two months. And he still couldn’t turn in the reference material in on time. It’s due tomorrow at like 8 AM and I doubt he’ll fucking get it in on time. He said he’d turn it in two weeks ago and then he didn’t then this past Wednesday and then he didn’t and then yesterday and then he didn’t. What does it even matter. I never had a chance anyways. So it’s not like this ruined anything. I’d say I hope he managed to get in the other one on […]

Imagine if everyone here had been aborted and never born. Imagine how much suffering could have never existed. Decades of suffering for just me alone, let alone our collective suffering. That would total in the thousands of years.

Now imagine all the Karens and Kens- imagine if those parents never opened their legs and bred. How much collective suffering would not have occurred if just ONE of those Karens or Kens were eliminated/never existed. Just ONE of those Karens/Kens bring upon a ton of misery to society. Hell, eliminate ONE narcissist, or ONE sociopath, or ONE SA’er or ONE thug. […]

I want to die. I really really want to die. I don’t want to deal with everything that comes with being alive. There’s just no way around it.

There have been a lot of suicides, of famous people as well as people I’ve known, that have made me feel terribly sad. But the funny thing is, when I ask myself if any of them would be happier today if they’d lived, the answer is always no. They’re better off dead.

Even people like, say Robin Williams who had so much to offer the world, do you honestly think he’d want to have lived through the last 10 years of bullshit in the world (let alone what he might’ve personally struggled with)? Hell no, tragic as it was, he got out of this shitheap before […]

If you could have anyone’s life, who’s life would you want to have? Could be past (dead) or current (alive) people. And why?

What do you do when you feel like a giant dark black hole?

Who else feels life is hopeless?

I suppose the trick is to NOT feel hopeless…but how does one not feel hopeless when we are David vs Goliath in this shit world? Especially when we are all alone, no family, no spouse, no parents, not a single person who cares whether we live or die?