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Last night, whew, one of the most frightening in this home. Also, anyone who thinks I should be fine, having a home, I’d like them to try living with a back fence neighbor like Mitch. Oh yeah, learned  his name this week, from one of his neighbors, and found out that stealing utilities and literally anything not nailed down is only one small part of his criminal empire, which also includes meth. Fun!

So last night I’m trying to play DnD with friends online, and my wife hears a scream from the back yard. I didn’t realize the headphones I had muffled everything, but I did […]

I miss being that special person. Someone’s favorite. I miss mattering that much to a person. To her. She said I made her feel like she mattered, like she was worth loving. She made me feel that way too. And now she’s gone. I really doubt she’s coming back this time. I have stuff I got on her birthday still, April 1st, in my closet. I was going to give them to her once we were able to see each other again irl. I still have the bear she gave me. I still have the necklace I made in art class I was going to […]

When i was 17 years old i was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. Before I was 17 years old I was the walking definition of the disorder. When I was 15 years old it was “suggested” that I had bpd but I was too young to be diagnosed. Don’t be tricked I was a month from turning 18 when I got officially diagnosed with the disorder so technically I was the correct age to be diagnosed with a personality disorder. Quite recently I lost my favourite person, they left me, abandoned me. They were my best friend and my girlfriend. They were beautiful and sweet […]

I see a lot of us on the site have overthinking brains or some form of imagination, seeing ourselves in different scenarios and what not. My question is: What separates us from animals?

We are animals. At the end of the day we are wired to eat, sleep, survive, and reproduce eventually to keep ourselves alive and move our genes into the next generation.

Our brains can reason and imagine in ways not seen in any other creature on the planet. The fact that people want more than that to live their lives, the complexities of how drastically different other humans are, even […]

That’s me. Frank fucking Grimes.

https://screenrant.com/the-simpsons-villains/#frank-grimes
“Frank Grimes isn’t really a bad person, and that’s the problem. He has worked hard his entire depressing life and feels like he deserves more, especially when he meets his moronic new co-worker Homer after getting a job at Springfield power plant. Franks’s jealousy of Homer’s large house, beautiful family and amazing adventures is what sends the hateful feller into an early grave. There is a lesson for us all there. Not sure what that lesson is but it must be something.”

https://simpsons.fandom.com/wiki/Frank_Grimes
“Homer had a comfortable life, a polite family, an adorable baby, a genius daughter, a […]

When were you happy (if ever)?
When did you become depressed? How long has it been?
Do you think you’ll ever attain lasting happiness? What would make you happy?

I read disturbing stories, often just looking for something to feel. Usually it’s horror. So if horror specifically dealing with suicidal people sounds like a yuck thing, bail, nothing else of value here.

BTW, before I get into my hypothetical, if you’re looking for a full length book on the subject, The Black Farm is both substantially disturbing, and dealing with suicide. I need to reread that. The guy wrote a sequel, but I’m less than enthused about that.

It’s the first story in the collection You Know It’s True by JR Hamantaschen , a story called; “I should have been a pair of ragged claws / […]

i don’t even want to do anything. nothing seems fun. my games, my art, my music, my writing, the videos i watch. my body won’t even let me sleep the day away. the people above our apartment continuously scream and stomp and body slam into the floor, which is just so awesome. mom and stepdad have been fighting. even better. I can’t even use the normal fucking laundry basket because of it. jokes on them, i haven’t changed out my clothes in days. i’m bored, but there’s nothing fun to do. even my typical things. my comfort things. nothing is fun anymore. everything is so bleak […]

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Some things just have to be confessed to the world. When I was in 4th class aged 9 there was an ongoing occurrence of someone deliberately missing the urinal and going all over the lavatory floor. This lavatory was adjacent to my classroom so the culprit could have only come from my class. The teacher, who was female so by nature even more gullible than 9 yr old boys came up with the following plan to catch the culprit. This grown woman, if I recall correctly about 35 and in no way fuckable although I do recall I would often stare at her big boobs […]

It’s the first. I’ve said it before, but winter time has that odd feeling about it. The feeling that everything around you is dying and decaying. Just the air feels different. It get dark around 4:30 where I’m at. So everytime I walk home, it’s dark, cold, and decaying. If there was ever a time I would choose to end my life, it would be in the winter.

I’ve got 2 weeks left. Behind on damn near everything. Don’t know if I’ll make it. I got all As last semester, but failing one course is all it […]

Since I was a child I always stood out because of my Autism, and I felt lonely and depressed. I rarely made friends and only managed to have a partner for a few months. In highschool suicidal thoughts started to become common and near the end of school I had the desire to do something violent because of the influence of what I saw online and on the news, since I was naive and foolish, but decided that It was just far too wrong. A few years pass and I start to strangely become obsessed with suicide victims and suicide methods, I would spend hours […]

I am the cause of my own pointless suffering. It’s being generated within me. So I feel a sense of responsibility to try and reduce it. Because I’m the only one that can. Not that others can’t ever provide assistance. But they can’t fix me. They can’t save me. They can’t change me. I’m on my own, and it’s probably always going to be that way.

The problem is that I don’t feel like I have to capacity to effectively help myself. I feel exhausted and full of despair most of the time. Often it’s like I’m barely in control of myself. I wasted half an […]

i dont think im strong enough to continue living. im so, so weak. and tired. i dont want to hurt anyone… but i can barely take it anymore

Speaking to people, for me, is like trying to walk through a field of eggshells. I have to be so careful about what words I use because there are certain words that my mouth won’t let me speak. I have to plan every word I say just to avoid going into a stuttering “attack”.

I chronically stumble, stutter, and have difficulty saying my words. It’s hard for my own family to understand what I’m saying because I can’t enunciate my words. In school, I will go without help just so that I don’t have to experience the embarrassment of trying to talk.

It feels like I have […]

I’ve been doing a lot of study on the last time things changed in my country, turned around, and why. So let me take you back a hundred years

Everyone was bad at fighting World War 1. England was bad at it, so was France and even Germany. There are myread reasons behind this, mostly that European armies had more experience in the last century fighting colonial wars, that is wars to prop up their various colonies. Most of the wars of the previous century were fought at sea, but this resulted in everyone overprepping naval assets and neglecting troops and land logistics. So the first […]

Right, I get that life is general is pointless, all of us are on a one way trip to the grave and whatnot, general existential BS….. and that’s a great defense, not even going to fight that part

but being a disinterested zen master is still beyond me. I’m working on it….. today in therapy I reached a lot deeper than I thought I would, ever. I talked about how angry and cheated I feel…… and it really comes back to the pointlessness of effort

because my therapist asked if I would go back to work, and I responded; that isn’t up to me. If someone could […]

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