Everywhere I go, whatever I do, I’m harming somebody or fucking up this or fucking up that. I’ve been down this road before. spiraled into the self hate and the self loathing of the “why can’t I be a good person” nature. Heralding from a poorer family we couldn’t afford to help me even after I attempted to take my own life. Naturally, I fucked that up too. Too chicken shit to jump into the train. Broke into self harm instead. Now for some reason, just as I picked up the shattered glass of my life after that night in November and the school councilor […]
Tag:
Absolute Failure
Struggling these past few days and it’s hurting those around me.
Especially my child. I made them cry twice today. I’m so messed up right now I told my 2 year old to shut up.
Why? They were hungry while I was trying to angrily call the state about my insurance that’s going to be cancelled next month.
No insurance when I’m 8 months pregnant. Awesome. Worse case scenario I’ll stop all prenatal and deliver at home completely unassisted medically. I can’t afford the bill. It’s whatever. I’m not even worried about birth.
The thing I should be worried about is postpartum depression. I’m […]
I have schizoid personality disorder and basically I’ll never get “better” from that.
After loads of research I’ve discovered that the life I’ve wanted has basically been the root cause of my depression.
I know there’s exceptions but
Schizoid people don’t typically get married let alone have dating relationships
Schizoid people don’t have children
Schizoid people can’t or don’t work in most professions
Basically I’ll never have a healthy or happy relationship with anybody and that’s why my marriage failed and my current relationship is likely to fail as well.
I may have brought my daughter home from foster care but I’ll never be […]
Life is not fair / unfair. there is always winners & losers. I’m a loser, so why can’t I / losers just commit suicide?
by niki
written by niki
Life is not fair.
Life is unfair.
there is always winners & losers.
there will always be winner & loser.
so why can’t I / losers just commit suicide?
rather than they keep living chasing & fixing all their way too many losses, which is probably too late anyway too.
and usually losers can’t win / can never win against winners anyway .. even the “start” is already too late!!
This is the harsh truth / fact / reality .
Reality / Real life / Real world is very LIMITING / LIMITED in what we can & can’t do !
We are limited by money […]
I hate this boring, bored reality / real life / real world, I hate this life, this LIMITED world, and I hate people/humans ..!!
by niki
written by niki
Movies, books, video games, novels, comics, anime/manga, etc etc, basically human’s IMAGINATIONS is a hundred times FAR much more interesting than this very LIMITING reality / real-world / real-life here in this world!
and what’s even worse is that most (about 90%) of humans / people I meet & know everyday are mostly stupid, shallow, superficial, mundane/boring, money and profits and image driven only, ignorant,.. mostly human beings especially today these days are much more bad & hopeless ..!!
(there are -thankfully/luckily?- only FEW humans/people that I like, eg: the very creative/imaginative & ‘other-worldly’ artists who created/made all those awesome fantasy, sci-fi stories, novels, books, […]