The playlists abounded, the only things left besides the journals upon journals, notepads chock-full
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Artwork
I like to take things a part. Analyze. When things start to look ugly I want to look away. Disappear perhaps just for a little while. During these times I’m terrified of everything especially Drs and hospitals. So I’ve never stayed or sought out help. I have often found myself growing fond of these dark thoughts. Viciousness seems to craft itself in slow motion for my viewing and I look at it like artwork. I believe that those who crawl up from rock bottom are stronger. To jump high you must crouch low. Anger is funny, sadness beautiful.
But, sometimes her memory can get to me. Like her artwork hanging up in one of our similar classes, or seeing her eat quietly to herself during lunch hour. Brings up the painful memories of our happy times together. And this makes me lonesome sometimes. I am happy don’t get me wrong, but I just feel that hole that she created in me when I think about it. My story often reminds me of the song “Yesterday” by my most favorite band The Beatles. And sometimes when I listen to it, the memories of it all come flooding back to me.
I’ve shared my story before […]
the Cutter
It feels a little tender at first, hot as blood rushes to greet the sharp edge of your relief.
You promised yourself you wouldn’t, but the pain is just to much, inside. If only you can find a balance, a balance between the lonely suffering of your internal hell and the sharp, clean, slice of your external shell. Deeper this time then ever before. You must dig deeper to let it out. Your inner hell, red in its anger, hot liquid in its trespass.
The blade slices, a dance of blood lights it’s way, your focus follows it, watching. You feel almost outside o […]
I’ve wanted to kill myself at various times throughout the past 5 years. Â About two months ago I started to become serious about it and began to plan my death. Â This was after I had gotten out of the psychiatric hospital (my 7th hospitalization since 17 years old). Â I was in the hospital for almost 4 weeks and received 6 electro-convulsive therapy treatments. Â I also got put on some new medications which didn’t do anything to no surprise. Â I was however started on adderall which was the only thing that got me out of bed and able two at least go through the motions of […]