Deep down I knew it all along; I knew I would relapse. I just didn’t know it would happen so soon after I started getting better. Maybe I wasn’t actually getting better? Yeah, I got a job and started doing voluntary work but my mind is still empty. For more than 2 years now it’s been 97% empty, remaining 3% were occupied by my feeling of worthlessness and grief towards life. I stopped daydreaming long time ago. Nothing interests me, nothing bothers me. I don’t think. I’m getting dumber each day and it’s showing. I’m so done.. Even meds stopped working. Sometimes I still […]
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better
I have no friends in real life and i was feeling so lonley that I think I was about to go insane. When I came to this site I managed to atleast say something to someone. I feel much much better. Thank u everyone.
Hi…okay here I go. I have been depressed for about a year now, and I have been so close to just killing myself so many times. I think that the reason why I haven’t is because of my friends. A few of them are depressed and I want to make them better before I try t leave. When people look at me and my life, they see someone perfect. They see a girl who has it all. She is always smiling, and always surrounded by her friends. The things is, I don’t get bullied. Sure, I get teased, but who doesnt? But one day […]
I downloaded Metallica’s Ride the Lightning album last night after falling in love with an 8-bit rendition that was posted to Youtube. While washing the dishes this morning before work, I put the album on and was immediately taken in by the energy that the wall to wall sound of early Metallica radiates. Great album top to bottom, but the standout track is Fade to Black. It’s not enough to read the lyrics; you have to go listen to the song and hear Hetfield crooning to really feel the weight of the words. He had this to say about recording the track:
“I wrote […]
Listening to certain pieces of music instantly triggers anxiety attacks, my mood worsens in just a few minutes and I get those thoughts that I would actually like to avoid. The pieces aren’t special or particularly high quality, it’s rather the fact that I listened to them for a period of time when I felt really bad and thus my brain associates it with these kind of emotions. I can actually trace some songs to the time and reason of feeling bad, which is kind of funny since I was listening to music to make me feel better and now it does the exact opposite. […]
I can’t sleep again, had to wash down another thorazine. I want to paint the walls red but I know it will get me nowhere but scarred for life however long that spark may live on. I am ruminating on my panic attack earlier this week right in the middle of class, the professor sent me home “sick”, I almost jumped off the roof… But I know better (been there, done that). I don’t want to die really, I just want to be free of turmoil and strife. What happens when we die, what do you think? Are we doomed to repeat this miserable life […]
I can not escape this feeling. I did what I could today to get away from this. Here I am feeling the exact same way. I feel useless, a bad mother, a bad person. I don’t know what else to do. I called my therapist today to get some meds. He never called me back. He told me to call him. It was a crappy day. Even though I did everything I possibly could to make it a better day. To get my mind off everything. When will this feeling go away for good? I Just can’t feel this way any more. My son deserves […]
“Taken My Whimsicality To The Death, Albator”
Falling in my realm
Will you be my friend
Whom that it come along to
Can I sing
But most of all, can you know
I can sing, no more
Keep on looking, keep on searching
For a better way, for a better day
Forever
Can I bust another, deepen, sunken
Into the realm, an astral that canned
Dead, he wears the skull and the card
The spades of the world overtaken
Obliterated into your abyss
The neon to the lost veil
In life there is a battle of all
Albator and a Cyborg
I will fall into, the singularity
What […]
Tired of disintegrating under the weight of my own fear of disintegration. Tired of watching everything I suffered so hard to build, crumble away, to slide back into the trauma I desperately want to distance myself from. Tired of the fear of disintegration, only to have it happen in actuality, and have all of my worst fears come true, for the x-teenth time: To relieve my worst experiences, those that caused me to be like this, over and over and over, in the context of current work relationships as I try to make my money and pay my rent, barely scraping by, wondering what I’m […]
StruggleOn here! Part fennec fox and part dead again. And I have nowhere to trust but here so…
Shit has been going on. Its all just bullshit though. You know when you try so hard for somebody but nothing makes them better? That’s kind of how this is. I don’t even care if it helps I just need it to be accepted. Again and again I am beat down. Hopelesness once again engulfed me. Now I’m stuck. I feel helpless and confused and wonder if I’ll ever deserve somebodies love…
Sigh… I never thought I’d be back on this site… after I finally built up the courage to actually speak to my mother and tell her about my suicide thoughts and depression.. but my mother being the religious woman she is (ironic) prayed and since I cut myself off from religion.. I just sat in since while she did and took the advice I got from amazing people on this site..
I went out, I did new things, made new friends… it got better after a while.. until a few days ahgo.
A brief description of me:
I’m a social person, I use humor as a […]
I used to believe anything was possible. Straight A’s. Got into a good university fresh from high school.
I always wanted to cure the acne scars on my face. I thought no man would love me with these scars. So I paid for a laser treatment. It did not make things better, it made things worse. Now half of my face is beautiful and untouched and the other, treated half is ruined. I can’t help but think this affects everything people think about me. The bad half of my face makes me looks sloppy, stupid and trollish.
Worse yet, it is all my fault. And so are […]
Ever feel like everything would be okay if you could just climb out of your skin and be the person you were meant to be? I think that I would have been an okay person. Not a Nobel Prize winner, but okay. I’m tired of pretending that I’m okay, tired of wondering what people would think if they knew what was really in my head. My husband deserves a better wife, and my son deserves a better mother, they deserve that person i could have been.
I’ve tried explaining the intrusive thoughts from OCD to someone, they made some awkward joke about OCD and […]
I hate my life.
I hate my life because I am too stressed. I have been pouring over textbooks my whole life and I have been judge by my peers many many times. I can tell you ,any educational facts, but I cannot tell you the value of security and/or kindness. I can tell you many people have attempted to take their lives because of school. I can tell you that mistakes are viewed as failures in many hallways. A wrong answer is a sin you must atone to, not a human error, but a flaw so grand it defines your life course. When I get […]
I don’t really know what to say. I’ve gotten so used to saying nothing to people because they don’t want to hear about what’s on my mind. And because I’m afraid of the consequences. The psych ward is no fun. Jail is no fun. I’m never going back to either. I used to cut. Pro tip: if anyone asks about the marks, just lie, even if it’s not believable. They won’t challenge you on it because they don’t want to deal with it. Fortunately the scars have faded with time and I have hairy arms so nobody ever notices unless I show them. My […]
Out of all the boys in high school I fell deeply for the emotionally unavailable. This person who I would like nothing more than to give all of myself too has never felt love. While guys were in there room every night playing video games he was working or running errands for his mother. Not your average teenager he was a man. As psychotic and bi polar as I can be …as I am I was always my best with him but its hard for me to express my emotions to someone who I knew liked me so much but never said anything. So there […]
How can I be alive if I’m barely breathing? I’m lying on the cold floor and trying to cry, but no tears are coming out. You’ve made me lose my mind. You broke my heart, drained my tears and destroyed my soul. For what? Is it that nice to hurt someone? To wreck a perfectly normal girl? Huh? Does it make you feel better about yourself? Does it help with your self esteem? Tell me, darling. Make me understand why you did this to me. It’s all I want. To know why. Then I can die in peace. I’m begging you. Tell me what I […]
Maybe if I get it out I’ll feel better. Maybe my next life will be better but I want to leave this one I’m tired of it. All this shit is past mistakes silly decisions. It would be better if I would accidentally get shot or hit by something big. Just so my family don’t feel so bad about how I died. I don’t understand why God just won’t do it cause God know I don’t wanna be here. I put to much faith in people that’s one of my problems and I always get let down friends, girlfriends, family it don’t matter. What happened […]
I feel that the world should pay and those i envy should feel my pain. Why cant i be like him, he is beautiful fits in and finds friends anywhere. I lock myself away from the world my soul it hollows every day. When i feel pain it makes me feel alive again, oh what i would do to feel joy and to be alive. I wish we could trade places but then i dont wish this feeling on anyone to everyone. Sometimes i want to go out on a bang so my message could be hurd unlike every other suicide that is forgotten. Other […]
All I do is hurt people and ruin my relationships. I’m a god awful person who just fucks up everything. I hurt everyone. I judge like I’m better. I wish I had the strength to pull the trigger last year