I’m fairly certain I come from a long line of diagnosed and un-diagnosed mental illness. My maternal great-grandmother committed suicide when my grandmother was eleven. Unfortunately, I never really took the time to ask my grandmother how it effected her as a child and an adult, and now she’s recently passed. I have been diagnosed as bipolar by two psychiatrists, but when I returned to one of those doctors recently after a couple years gap, she seems to be rethinking that diagnosis. I’m not seeing a professional right now because I have a hard time justifying spending $50 to see the therapist every week, plus […]
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better
Ten years ago I got married. I married the mother of my first born and felt more optimistic about life than I ever had. I had my family. We had 2 more kids and it was that much better. I worked up to 3 jobs at a time to begin with so my wife could finish school. When she did I became a stay at home dad and went to working just part time. She made great money. With this came her urge to spend it and the infidelity began. Things were rough for a while but then it all got better. Around my 10th […]
Right now, as I write this, I am in my room. Alone.
It is dark around me and only the light of my computer’s screen is giving me some artificial clarity. But I don’t complain. It is better this way. It is… Perfect for what I am about to do.
In front of me, in my desk, there are several pills and a bottle of water.
I am about to feel true control for the first time in my life and then…
Then…
It will be the last thing I will ever feel.
I’ve posted a few times, explaining how I tried getting through this and how I’m coping. I’m trying to be positive and focus on the small, good things in order to get by. But sometimes I have to ask myself, why? Why am I doing this? My life has been shit. There’s no other way to describe it. It’s been an uphill struggle since day one. I keep pushing on, keeping trying to find that light… But why? What is the reason for it? In the hopes that something will finally click and things will be better/good? That maybe one day I’ll be like everyone […]
Woke up today and sobbed into my pillow. My son came to see me. He made me feel somewhat better. He should not be the one to wipe away my tears. Not these tears. Not for this reason. I hate feeling this way every day. I cried out for relief. I finally made myself go out, again. I went out to see friends. It took me several hours. I am cheating everyone I interact with and myself when I feel this way. I feel better now, but what a waste. I can’t stand to live this way. I can picture myself completing this. I have wanted […]
Still have hope for a better life?
Don’t want to cause pain to loved ones?
Don’t really want to be dead yet and just exploring the possibility of one’s “exit options”?
Use the thought of suicide just to self-sooth the pain?
Ambivalent about dying?
Lack of courage to commit suicide?
Procrastination on suicide?
Afraid of failing your attempt and ending up in a worse state?
Fear of death/hell/afterlife/God’s judgement?
Or something else?
I’m only here because I’m afraid of failing and ending up in a worse state… There are things far worse than death. For instance, my current life. But it would be much, much worse if I end up with brain injury and in […]
Hi, I am new and suicidle, i want to feel better and I guess the best way is to know some people to talk to, or perhaps do the exit thing together, want something to change in my life, I guess friend matters a lot, been by myself for too long……. Anyone?
I just don’t know anymore I’m lost and beaten down I’m tired off fighting this it never gets better and if it doses it’s sort lived. I want to live in my dreams I don’t want to wake-up and face another day.
Getting my weapon soon. I’m excited and nervous. It will be there just in case. I’m waiting to see this through. I want to feel better still. I’m getting there. If I can’t improve…. it is coming together.
sad enough to want death but not crazy enough to actually do it. Anybody else simply sitting in their boat and waiting for a tsunami to end it all? I’m feeling extra sad today, not sure why. I’m trying really, really hard to upgrade my job skills but whenever I sit down to study, I end up doing something else until I quit and trick myself into believing that I’ll get started tomorrow instead (been saying that since February).
I’m here, ready to study this IT junk, but once I get started, I lose all energy and desire to better myself. I pull the rug out […]
i thought I was doing well. I thought I had been able to overcome some aspects of depression and hit art a new, better life. But one bad day brought me back to the point I was at over a year ago. One. Bad. Day.
So I’ve been seeing someone to help straighten me out. I’m not sure he understands fully. I have a plan, and a am willing to go through with this. I was waiting to see if things got better. My anxiety has somewhat. I should be thankful for that. I still just find relief in completing the plan. I don’t think it will mean anything for anyone. Even he said no one would give a crap. No kidding. It’s not for anyone else though. Just for me. The only thing I’ve truly ever done for myself. I am waiting patiently. I don’t have a date. I just […]
Hey SP friends, just wanted to wish you all a good day (or night, wherever you are).
I don’t do this usually, but I’m feeling a bit better today, and I hope some of you are too.
“The thought of suicide is a great consolation: by means of it one gets through many a dark night.’”
I first read this line around 5 years ago in college and I didn’t quite understand it. I was thinking of suicide back then too, but not particularly as a good or comforting thing. Back then, I was afraid of suicide and couldn’t understand why it would be a consolation.
I think that I’m starting to understand this aphorism a lot better now. In my worst days, suicide was the only thing that I had to look forward to. In my only slightly better days, I would go […]
We are just a bunch of depressed people trying to help each other. I thought I was getting better, I stopped crying as much, I started becoming a little happier. Now I’m in my bedroom crying my eyes out on my bed. My bed faces a mirror, i hate looking into the mirror. Whenever, things get hard I say to myself “i wanna go home,” even when i’m inside my own house. I’ve realized I havent found home yet. Not even close.
The sad truth is that I deserve what has happened to me. I don’t want to be a victim anymore. My life has gotten better and worse since I originally joined SP April of last year. I’ve been in love and then lost it, I’ve made friends and lost them just as easily, and I have felt successful and happy for the first time and then lost it. I use the word lost as if I had any control over the situations, but I didn’t. All of those things were taken from me while I sat and watched. I surrendered before the fight even began. […]
I wonder why all the doctors and professors I’ve met told me its going to be okay. I mean, they should know better that there is no escape. This is not a passing cold.
That pisses me off. Later, after 6 months of therapy, they tell me the truth. Fucking morons. I knew that from the beginning. It doesn’t matter how much you stuff me with Prozac, it will be there.
What’s the point of suicidal thoughts if they won’t ever be translated into action? They’re just torturous. Getting better looks like a giant, long, leaking tunnel- almost impossible to move through. Yet death isn’t an option. How do you remedy this?
I have an abusive partner, rarely physical abuse. It’s abuse which is carefully engineered to hurt me from within. Emotional abuse is the worst form I believe. It destroys your mind and leaves you with numbness. Everyday I suffer, in one way or another. I feel myself getting closer and closer to the point of no return. The one thing keeping me here is my son. I’m beginning to feel even he would be better without all of this. Maybe he can then have a happy childhood.
I have no family, I have no friends, this account and post was created in secret. I know it’s […]
Wednesday – my official day off. My daughter works at the same office so I dragged myself out of bed and drove her to work. I would usually stop for a bite to eat on the way home but I’ve felt like puking for three days so I just went home, back to bed and waited for the sun to make my room too hot to tolerate again.
I ran out of pain meds days early so the “rationing” has me fighting withdrawal again. I don’t see the quacktitioner until Friday and the HMO I have wants all their patients off pain meds so thy don’t […]