Wednesday – my official day off. My daughter works at the same office so I dragged myself out of bed and drove her to work. I would usually stop for a bite to eat on the way home but I’ve felt like puking for three days so I just went home, back to bed and waited for the sun to make my room too hot to tolerate again.
I ran out of pain meds days early so the “rationing” has me fighting withdrawal again. I don’t see the quacktitioner until Friday and the HMO I have wants all their patients off pain meds so thy don’t piss off the politicians. The appointment will be just another argument with them trying to make me do things I cannot do. I’d rather live a day pain free and die of a fucking overdose than go on this way.
Maybe I wouldn’t want to die so badly if people had something better to do than try and control me. I wish I had the guts to slice an artery. Why can’t I do it???????
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I’m sitting here at 4 am all alone in the house helping people out on a suicide forum while i seem to become immune to these sleeping pills, i’ve been having this problem for years now.. Surely it cannot be that bad, i keep telling myself that.
killing myself has lingered my mind quite a few times over the past few years as well.
Now ask me the question why can’t i do it? i have no kids, a mom that i despise for sabotaging more than one of my relationships, a great father that died from cancer a few years ago and surprised he stayed with my mom anyways.
Now i don’t know you so i have no right to judge you, but surely it can’t be that bad?
Have you ever been homeless all alone with noone to love or care for? so you can finally get your life back on track to lose the love of your life just so others can screw you over? All i feel is an empty void.. Exit bag with ******** would be the best way to go for me.
I won’t expound on much because you can find what I have been through by reading my other posts – regardless I’ve held to the tenet that what hurts you, hurts you. And yes, it is that bad. If I could face another day I would but if I could muster the courage to end my life tonight I would. There simply is no reason to go on without any quality of life whatsoever.