Im just tired of everything everyone hates me except 2-3 people my family hate me my mom always calls me names and my brother and sister told that next time i try to kill myself i shouldnt tell anyone so i actually die and maybe theyre right i think about it a lot and i realise everyone in my life would be better without me im just a weordo who cant even talk to people i cant even talker to my counsilors and psychiatrists maybe its my time to go and finally give them what they want besides my life has been hell so far […]
Tag:
better
I was told it was going to get better. But, it is considered better if it still lasted 5 years. Where ever I go, I visualize different ways to kill myself with the objects around me. I tried to use my “imagination of my death” in my horror stories of torture. Its gets me to wonder if I really want to torture myself to death because of my self hatred or fall asleep to my death. This goes through my head everyday.
I lay awake at night until the fatigue hits. My doctor has taken me off my sleeping medication. I beg my mom to let me take the pills that are left and she refuses. I think about awful thoughts when I lay awake. I think it will be better in the morning, but I know that’s false hope
i ve finally resolved that staying alive has to be done in a better way and hiding and living under peoples shado isnt any way to live
Everything is falling apart.
I thought that things would change- this was supposed to be the best time of my life. This was supposed to be the time that, years from now, I look to and remember memories of joy, and happiness.
But it’s really not turning out like that.
To achieve this one goal of my life, I let go of many other things. I thought that, after getting to this goal, everything would fall into place. But in fact, the situation just got worse. After what seemed like the happiest day in a long time, every. single. thing. went downhill.
I used to maintain a sense of […]
Isn’t it funny how I’m breaking to pieces, crying every night, cutting, puking, hating, dying, but no one notices. Not my parents, not my friends and not my siblings even though they ALL now how I feel, that I’m depressed, that I cut and that I have an eating disorder but, they all think I’m better and fine now. It’s like no one notices me. No one pays attention even though I can be so obvious. I’ve been depressed since I was 11. Wake up. I’m 15 now and no one has realized that I’m still the same. No wait that’s a lie. A teacher […]
I don’t even know how many suicide attempts i’ve had, it only makes things worse when you don’t succeed.
People want to know why, you get sent to specialists and quite frankly, they’re a load of horse sh*t, putting faith in these people isn’t something i feel comfortable with, they don’t want to give you medication and when they do, they give you the wrong one, or they neglect to tell you that it’s addictive.
Right now i’ve got some anti anxiety medication, it’s started to kick in but the only thing it has done is make me want to clean, then  get stressed about mess, i’m […]
i know i ve vowed never to come back here but here i am. i feel so empty. i just dont have anything to live for and i ve got great expectations. but this feelings is rendering me useless. cus anytime i actually impress myself with something, its always not good enough for them. they feel i could do better so they conden my every efforts. but how am i going to do better when i always feeling useless.
I’m running away from people again.
First time I didn’t have any friends. So it was ok if they didn’t talk to me since I didn’t talk to them.
This time I’ve met so many nice people, but I even catch myself saying  ‘I’m late, we’ll catch up later, right?’ and almost literally running.
I’m out of facebooks and whatsapp groups. I wait some hours or days to text someone back.
Inside, there is that famous phrase ‘help me!’ screaming in repeat. They even know I’m not fine and they want to talk, to make me feel better. So why do I run when I have […]
On Thursday, I was discharged by the ‘Home Treatment’ people at the hospital after a month of getting my meds changed. Took me off the Zopiclone and Citalopram and switched to Tradazone.  I still get to take Lorazepam.
On Saturday I got my discharge papers through the post. I study them and see they have given me a new label.
Now they say I have an ‘Unstable Personality Disorder.’ I look it up online and that equals Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Before that they told me I had a SchizoAffective Disorder. Before that Psycotic Depressive. Before that Schizophrenic. Before that and before that I lose track. I know mental […]
there are two of me. the rational and the irrational. the rational me realizes it all comes down to the money. it is what makes the world go around. if you don’t have it your needs and wants are irrelevant. the same can be said about any kind of healthcare. mental health especially. it was rationed out like it was going to break the bank. as long as those insurance checks keep coming all is well. the “rational” me is very cynical, she doesn’t believe there are better days in my future. it is at this point where the rational and irrational meld. the irrational […]
I know this is a cliche, but I think that if I had a significant other, it would makes thing a lot better. I feel like I just need someone to care about what I’m doing or someone to make me feel better and happy. Just someone exciting. And I think I may have found someone, but I’m still trying to figure out if I like him or if I’m just in love with the idea of being in love. I guess for now I can say that I’m infatuated by him. We’ll see what happens but, for now, I should probably consider having an actual […]
… how much I hurt my ex, I feel suicidal.
I feel like if I were dead that things would be better. Yes, I know this is irrational… but, some part of me feels that if I didn’t exist anymore, that she wouldn’t be sad about me not being with her.
::sigh::
CD 1, Track 5. On media player sounds better. Will I ever in optimum sound. Let’s come get it.
by Bisban
written by Bisban
Abra. The sound of peace.
A Gengar, in a speed of chaos.
Cosmic Cain, and Cosmic Abel.
Humanity. Oh, humanity.
Chapter one of God, yet to be written.
The New Age Bible, speak of today’s devil.
There once was a crusade. Long, long ago.
The belief lost, but a child to believe.
The story… Of the unknown.
God; resuscitate, in the name of Death.
Chapter One, of God.
.. “Chained,” there once was an iron horse. He was born, in the world of Cain. Wishing, for only to rest.
She cried in her own hands, asking what did she do to deserve this much pain. This pain has been stuck inside her for too long, too long for her to believe that this is the punishment for something she has done wrong. But then she thought for no more than a second before realizing, ” I don’t deserve this, I deserve better!”
For every single person who is suffering from internal pain, we deserve better than this.
No person should have to endure such hurt. We are all human, born sinners, who have a lifetime to make things right.
If you are anything like me – someone […]
Hello, Lonely.
I see you there.
Waiting,
thinking,
dreaming of better things.
Hello, Beautiful.
I see you there.
Leaving marks
on your lovely skin.
Waiting
for someone
to see your pain.
Ignore me like disease
A ghost you choose not to see
Pretend I’m not there because
Shortly I won’t be
Maybe you thought I was stronger
That I could live through it
That the lies you spoke no longer linger
And instead I found peace
But you’re wrong, dead wrong
I’m just better at hiding it
The pain you put me through
Gave me much needed guidance
Trust no one
Believe in nothing
And the day will soon come
Where you feel nothing
No pain, no hurt, no sorrow
Maybe emptiness is a better way of living
Keep my heart beating is all you asked […]
I cut while taking a bath tonight for the first time. For some reason it was so much better than cutting dry. The blood swirled around in the water, seeping from my skin. It was beautiful. I was almost hypnotized by it.
Also, nothing is better than going to bed with fresh cuts I’ve decided.
It has come to my realization that I haven’t been engaging with you like I did a few months ago. I apologize for that. But I don’t feel the same anymore. I wish I could say that I’m the same. I wish I could say I’m doing better. But the truth is I don’t know. I have okay days, but then a moment crushes it. And then I just feel terrible. How am I? Honestly I don’t know. I’m sorry.
Tonight is it hopefully I’m done. What life has for me isn’t what I want nor what I can bare. I’m just numb the feeling hurts. ive got my plan ready. I’ve decided I always n knew that it would come to this. I’m to stupid for life to ugly to fucked up for it I can’t stand being in my skin a minute longer I’m tired of weeping I’m retired of being depressed I can’t get help I’m tired of being tired. So goodbye. I hope everybody is better of thani the future