irrational me

there are two of me. the rational and the irrational. the rational me realizes it all comes down to the money. it is what makes the world go around. if you don’t have it your needs and wants are irrelevant. the same can be said about any kind of healthcare. mental health especially. it was rationed out like it was going to break the bank. as long as those insurance checks keep coming all is well.  the “rational” me is very cynical, she doesn’t believe there are better days in my future. it is at this point where the rational and irrational meld.  the irrational me is kind of like a devil sitting on my shoulder. she is hypercritical, angry, and is more than willing to tell the world and everyone in it to fuck off. i have had enough of this bullshit ride. she has done an excellent job of isolating me. she is theone who makes me panicky at the thought of socializing with my friends. she has done this with my family as well. she wants to isolate me to the point where no one knows how shitty i feel. there are many days when i don’t talk to anyone other than my husband. he is out of the loop as well. she has no problem with me purchasing another gun. and i had better keep my mouth shut about it too. the question is do i care about all the people i would hurt killing myself? or am i ready to give up and tell everyone to fuck off? doc says he won’t give up ever. but let’s face the facts-living or dying is my call. and i find myself not caring more and more.