On Thursday, I was discharged by the ‘Home Treatment’ people at the hospital after a month of getting my meds changed. Took me off the Zopiclone and Citalopram and switched to Tradazone.  I still get to take Lorazepam.
On Saturday I got my discharge papers through the post. I study them and see they have given me a new label.
Now they say I have an ‘Unstable Personality Disorder.’ I look it up online and that equals Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Before that they told me I had a SchizoAffective Disorder. Before that Psycotic Depressive. Before that Schizophrenic. Before that and before that I lose track. I know mental health diagnosis is a contant moving spectrum, like sand on beach.
On Tuesday I went to see an employment adviser working for a charity that helps people who have a mental illness, who work and want to keep their jobs. I consented to the adviser meeting my two bosses seperately today to help them better understand my condition. I hope it went well.
How do I feel about the new label? It is embarrasing. Slightly disconcerting in the number of convicted serial killers who are said to have shared it. I have not seriously wanted to kill anyone except myself.
Bottom line, I think this diagnosis is the closest one I can relate to that I have been given.
Just watched this video someone else made, on what it feels like to have BDP, to gain a better understanding.
For me, I think it is bang on. It explains why it feels so difficult for me to be around other people, even in the best of times and why the suicide demons plague me. I feel too much.
1 comment
Watched the video, an got upset that others know almost exactly how I feel. But Im way to paranoid of doctors and the pharmaceutical companies, the doctors lie to me to sell me the drugs that will slowly kill me unless I keep taking them…its just an on going fuckin circle that wont end till we are dead