So my husband comes home from work (he got a job with his parents) and apparently he had a bad day. I spent the day learning how to make Onigiri (Japanese rice balls) granted it didn’t take me long but still. I made some for him because I know manual labor is hard and I wanted him to know he’s loved. He comes in and starts throwing off his clothes angrily (he was going to take a shower) and I made the mistake of asking what’s wrong. He yelled at me that he had a bad day and not to start in on him. I […]
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For about ten years I wore a pair of hematite rings.
Usually they don’t last that long because they can be brittle.
Mine finally broke awhile back, and I enjoyed searching for a suitable replacement.
Something which was interesting but still dark and angsty.
I decided on this. I think it’s pewter.
Gotta love the all-enveloping claws of doom.
I wear it every day.
In 2004, I was pondering about means to commit suicide during two months. I suffered from post natal depression after my second child’s birth. I lost ten pounds in a week, slept about two hours a night, I felt numb most of the times . Each time I felt the pain rising, I played with a knife, or pills, or I went out thinking about getting a gun. I wanted to die, but I was not sure I could succeed, and another failure was out of order.
So one night after the pain was so acute, I got drunk and afterwards, I felt so low that […]
When we first met I had no intention of letting you inside, of giving you my heart, of loving you with my soul. Just a little while later, all of that came true. It all came true at the point I was most ready to end my life. It was… a miracle of sorts. The single best and worst thing that ever happened to me. No longer on the edge, I was yours to take, although you never did. But still, the tomorrows kept coming because of you. It’s two years later and nothing’s changed. I wish I had moved on by now, but with […]
I don’t think I could do it in someone else’s house. Is that too cruel? To change the way they see it forever? Not like they would be the ones to find me, but still. Though it’s the perfect opportunity.
… Well not really; it’s only a 2 hour drive, but still. My roommate and his girlfriend picked me up to head back to school after a weekend at home by myself with no ride. Now we’re 3/4 and we smoked a little bit, and we’ve been telling funny stories and laughing the whole way there. A minute ago 1979 by Smashing Pumpkins came on my iPhone. Now it’s Holiday by Weezer. Things are about to get terrible for me, but right now, in this moment, life is pretty damn good.
I do love psychopath they emotionless they feel no emotion but they learn how to mimic theym which is awesome did u know they cry one eye at a time not both cry I read don’t no if it’s true but still being able to cry with no feelings or reason not really feeling up set sounds good right
and I love their eyes u can tell a psychopath by their eyes it’s called the reptilian gaze they look into your soul
like a animal about to kill that killer instinct the eye
antony Hopkins plays a great psychopath hannible
you ever seen blood in the moon light it […]
You know sometimes I really frigging think to myself, (LIKE RIGHT NOW):
“FUCKING. SNAP. OUT. OF. IT.”
No yah. Its true. Just snap out if it. There IS no sadness.There is no stress. There is no problem. Get up and move on and live life “normally” because that exists for a damn reason.
But you know what? I can’t,”snap out of it”. I can’t wake up one day and be OK. I can’t pretend I am fine. I can’t because I am NOT.
But still,
once more,
“snap out of it. Everything is fine.”
Sure.
But maybe I’m not.
The satiety center in my brain is on overdrive craving entertainment, but my appetite for joy is like anhedonic quicksand enveloping every attempt at satisfaction. I have been searching for something, can’t really say what it is.
At times it feels like I need social interaction, but nothing really curbs that needy feeling. I can hardly talk to my closest of friends. My old internet community doesn’t feel welcoming anymore as I pissed the majority of them off (imagine that =P.). I can’t find a place to call home really, not any longer at least. I sought out an old girlfriend, our relationship formed into […]
so last night I was having a conversation with my mum and one thing lead the the other and I basically said I wanted to die I explained how I feel like iv lived enough already and I can’t take no more I haven’t planned on killing my self yet but now I feel worst because she worrying about me I told her not to worry about me and she started crying saying what would become of her she knows I’m in pain but still wants me to tough it out but I’m not as strong as she thinks I am I’m passed breaking point […]
My guilty sentiments are very vulnerable.
Everything makes me feel guilty.
From the smallest things like knocking over a pencil,
To blaming myself for the Holocaust,
I don’t kid.
I am burdened with my own blame. My own Guilt.
Everything makes me guilty.
I am the cause of everything bad and I deserve to die horribly.
What the most recent experience? Take ten seconds ago. A peer at my school e-mailed me asking what questions we had to do for class. I wish I wrote down her parts on my paper, not just mine. But I only wrote my parts, because its only my responsibility, right?
Wrong.
I’m a selfish bastard who only considered myself […]
So a couple months ago I found out I had been selected to go to a international competition to represent my country in a sport I compete in (There are about 5 countries involved and this is for high school aged kids). Anyways it’s still in a couple of months and there are lots of things that could happen that prevent me from going before then. But anyways, let me get to the point, my family; Grandparents, parents etc. have been telling almost everyone, someone actually posted it on FB for all there friends to see, and I know they are just supporting me and […]
So, I went to see a doctor. Basically to just confirm what I already know. Major depression, anxiety disorder and PTSD. I told him I think I might have a personality disorder too, something along the lines of Borderline Personality Disorder, Schizoid Personality Disorder, or Avoidant Personality Disorder. I know I might be going overboard here, but I feel like I fit the criteria perfectly, for both BPD and SPD, actually. He said he’ll look into it with our upcoming consultations.
I always look at the criteria for all these personality disorders and think, “Fuck! This is so me.” Not that my personality traits cause any […]
So you think that, that’s it. I can’t handle anymore. My life is fucked up. I don’t want to live anymore. I want to die right now. And then you will try to make an attempt, in which you will obviously fail (99.99 % times) and some of you will even fail into making an attempt. You are in pain now but still alive. Now you will try to recover.
But then again something bad (this bad could be anything, some event in real life or just your real imaginary pain in your beautiful mind) will happen. And you will think that’s it. It’s enough. I […]
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
It all started with presenting my research paper . I couldn’t talk . And when I did I just sounded like I had no idea what I was talking about. I did so bad .
Then I took my dental assisting tests . I was so freaked out . I don’t even know why.
Then I went to the group interview . It was the stupidest fucking interview I’ve ever been to. You literally play games . And dance to music with randoms . I mean it was alright but still. All the staff members were annoying . I couldn’t stand any of them.
I fucked up on […]
I feel better (?) but I still hate my life. Why is it that I had a good life (for the last 3 years anyway) when depressed, but have a life I hate while less depressed? I wish my ex had the chance to know me like this, that I had a chance to feel less depressed and be happy with my life at the same time, even if it wasn’t for long. If only I had gotten treatment, real treatment, sooner- everything would be so different.
I am so lonely without my ex. I don’t feel like I’ll ever meet someone I love as much as her […]
hey sp im just here to say life is bullshit i tried my best to stay up but i keep going downhill i tried so many times topping myself never wrked ive dne alot of good but still get badluck for sme reason i got ppl who just act like they like me but its all fake i aint got no one im under anxiety but it get worse and worse when i take my meds i cry alot.Past few days ive been dwn want to leave this world asap. Im bored lonely depressed of life. Now im trying a differnt method of dieing starve […]
I think that I’m really not cut out for life.When I think of my future, I see myself alone. Not because that I suck at doing stuff but because of my anxiety. I am always scared to do things out of my comfort zone, I panic fast, I get angry in little time, I speak before I think and that I am a pessimist. I unknowingly ruin relationships with other people because of these. I wonder if I can get life through with this. I have put all my efforts in changing myself, even just one step at a time but still to no avail, […]
I was adopted at birth, and for good reasons.
I never felt “true love” from my adopted parents even when they said so or acted like it, because in the back of their heads, I was there to fill an emotional hole before anything else.
I never had a friend who truly cared about the Universe. Maybe they weren’t smart enough or weren’t as curious as I am, but still it sucks when you can’t relate to anyone in your entourage, since virtually all the people you know of are actually “playing similar games”, and by doing so, miss the opportunity to look at things from other perspectives.
I […]
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