twelve years later

In 2004, I was pondering about means to commit suicide during two months. I suffered from post natal depression after my second child’s birth. I lost ten pounds in a week, slept about two hours a night, I felt numb most of the times . Each time I felt the pain rising, I played with a knife, or pills, or I went out thinking about getting a gun. I wanted to die, but I was not sure I could succeed, and another failure was out of order.
So one night after the pain was so acute, I got drunk and afterwards, I felt so low that I thought I had to chose between death and life, that there is no way I could go on like this.
So I decided to live and to accept my failures. Each night, I cried for two or three hours every night at first, then six nights a week, then five, … Two years later, crying was occasional.
In my country, depression is not well known and very few people know where to go for professional help. I had to deal with the problem alone, without medication, not even knowing why or what I was suffering from.
Crying a lot helped alleviate most of the pain since I did not think about suicide anymore. But I have insomnia, moods, I feel tired most of the time. I guess in some recess part of my brain the problem is still there.
But the most important thing is that pain may recede, and will recede. Twelve years later, I am still here, not one hundred percent perfect, but still finding happiness in my life.